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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be very annoyed at my French DH and MIL's very laidback attitude to the use of our house?

54 replies

aroomwithaperfectview · 17/09/2023 18:05

It's my first post and English isn't my first langage, please forgive my grammar.
My MIL turned up at our house last week as she usually does and just before leaving casually asked if, since we're away on October, would we mind having some people staying at our house. My DH said no problems at all but he did asked, afterwards, who those (these?) people were? My MIL mysteriously replied that she would let us know later.
Today, still a bit miffed about my DH's answer, I asked him if by now his mother had let him know more about this weird arrangement. I must say I'm not confortable at all having people stay in my house while we're away. Obviously I'm being akward, he doesn't know any more than me etc. , but will text his mother to ask, which he did. She answered saying she was coming back later today from one of her multiples holidays, will drop by our house to bring us some oysters and will then tell us all about it. My FIL will be present too but just goes with the flow.
Now, my MIL is very sociable (I'm an introvert). She loves nothing more than to throw big parties and telling her guests they can stay in our house for the night if needed which I've always acceped even though I don't like it at all. Not to drip feed, we already have a very good teacher friend who is staying with us on Sunday and Monday nights term time for practical reasons. This arrangement is for the whole school year then she will be able to retire. I did offer and DH went along, we're long time friends with both her and her DH.
Now, we both own our house, it's his mum, he has a large family, I've hardly anyone left. She's lovely, would do the same for us, not that I would ask.
I feel mean but I really resent her asking this kind of arrangement and resent my lovely DH for always saying yes, his argument being, well YOU can always refuse, I know but sick of always being the baddy. Have to go, apparently they're on their way.
Will reply later if someone is interested to find out who these (those) mysterious guests are.
By the way I'm French too but no time to edit my title or to reread this post.

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 17/09/2023 20:41

They're nice and relaxed people, I'm more reserved and hum... uptight.

You are not reserved or uptight for not wanting people you have never met in your home when you’re not there. I would think it sensible.

5foot5 · 17/09/2023 21:36

My MIL didn't know we would be back on time for the party. She then decided our house could host quite a few people in our absence... family or complete strangers to us.

See this is what I couldn't get past, the sheer outrageous cheek of deciding that your house could be used to host people without properly asking you. Obviously your family runs differently but I would never, ever tolerate this and words would be said.

Original poster
aroomwithaperfectview · 17/09/2023 23:22

5foot5 · 17/09/2023 21:36

My MIL didn't know we would be back on time for the party. She then decided our house could host quite a few people in our absence... family or complete strangers to us.

See this is what I couldn't get past, the sheer outrageous cheek of deciding that your house could be used to host people without properly asking you. Obviously your family runs differently but I would never, ever tolerate this and words would be said.

Especially as not one guest has asked yet to be hosted for one or two nights. She took it up upon herself to offer our house as a place to crash in since we would be away. She just loves organising things.

OP posts:
kweeble · 17/09/2023 23:35

So she looks like the generous one for suggesting your place - you need to work out what you’re happy with and set some boundaries with your husband.
for instance, I would never let people stay when you’re away apart from your longstanding weekly lodger.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/09/2023 23:48

Honestly, I can't relate to people like you at all. You're so passive you're practically horizontal. I would have told your mother-in-law, husband, neighbours, the bloke at the petrol station, and whoever else might be listening that, NO, these people aren't staying in my home and that's the end of it. Your husband's lack of respect for you is appalling. My husband wouldn't even dream of speaking for me as to who stays in our home.

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 18/09/2023 00:01

Tell MIL that you've just arranged for friends to stay for a few days over this period so no, there is no more room.

Mamasperspective · 18/09/2023 06:13

There needs to be an arrangement where you have a private discussion about this and it is agreed with both of you before anyone tells MIL yes or no, he should not be saying yes without your agreement first.

momymu · 18/09/2023 07:06

My DH is not french, but from Southern Europe and him/his family had similar ideas when we met. Unfortunately (for them) I didn't support this and soon enough they have all been retrained. I couldn't live like that- my home is my castle.

SMabbutt · 18/09/2023 07:15

It sounds as if this is something your mil has done a few times now, so you know she will 'ask' again.
I think you need to preempt her and have a chat with your dh now about what you are comfortable with going forward. Then let your mil know that you have agreed, that from now on you don't want her offering your home as a place to stay. Don't wait for the next time she tries to arrange guests for your home.
I think you should say you may be able to host family only on occasions if they are struggling to find accommodation, but can she not tell them they can stay at your house. Instead can she let you know the details without mentioning it to them, and if it is convenient you will contact them to offer them a place to stay. However, if her visitors can't stay with her, they should initially assume they need to book a hotel or airbnb, as you don't enjoy having people you don't know well or aren't close to staying with you.

TerfTalking · 18/09/2023 07:36

Non, non, non!

How does this even work? Do you lock your valuables away, hide your greying underwear (or is it true that French women only have lovely underwear 😀) do they leave the house as they found it? Strip the beds? Wash the bedding and towels used? Use your best toiletries?

I cannot comprehend opening up my home to random friends of relatives when I’m not there.

But I am British, so it could be me, but I am not a MNetter that doesn’t answer the door or expects my mum to book a visit for a cuppa in advance either.

Zonder · 18/09/2023 07:47

You definitely need to come to an agreement with DH that any future requests would be met with a holding reply. "Leave it with me and I'll discuss it with @aroomwithaperfectview and we will get back to you".

tara66 · 18/09/2023 10:56

How does this work logistically? Are these people given key to your house? If so key could easily get lost. Change the locks if MIL carries on?

Newestname002 · 18/09/2023 11:50

Aquamarine1029 · 17/09/2023 23:48

Honestly, I can't relate to people like you at all. You're so passive you're practically horizontal. I would have told your mother-in-law, husband, neighbours, the bloke at the petrol station, and whoever else might be listening that, NO, these people aren't staying in my home and that's the end of it. Your husband's lack of respect for you is appalling. My husband wouldn't even dream of speaking for me as to who stays in our home.

Totally agree with this. I just can't understand why you allow this to continue @aroomwithaperfectview. My home is not a doss house, motel or AirBnB for anyone to be landed on me. If you don't like this take a deep breath and tell your husband and MIL very clearly this will not be happening. There may well be unhappy feelings from them but that's a small price to pay for not having people foisted on you and making free of your home. 🌹

Original poster
aroomwithaperfectview · 18/09/2023 13:03

Mamasperspective · 18/09/2023 06:13

There needs to be an arrangement where you have a private discussion about this and it is agreed with both of you before anyone tells MIL yes or no, he should not be saying yes without your agreement first.

I've told him exactly this many many times. Usually he knows very well he hzs to reply with: "see with aroomwith first" but not this time. A I said before my MIL usually put me on the spot which I hate.

OP posts:
Original poster
aroomwithaperfectview · 18/09/2023 13:04

tara66 · 18/09/2023 10:56

How does this work logistically? Are these people given key to your house? If so key could easily get lost. Change the locks if MIL carries on?

Yes, I supposed they would have been given the key to our house.

OP posts:
Original poster
aroomwithaperfectview · 18/09/2023 13:09

Aquamarine1029 · 17/09/2023 23:48

Honestly, I can't relate to people like you at all. You're so passive you're practically horizontal. I would have told your mother-in-law, husband, neighbours, the bloke at the petrol station, and whoever else might be listening that, NO, these people aren't staying in my home and that's the end of it. Your husband's lack of respect for you is appalling. My husband wouldn't even dream of speaking for me as to who stays in our home.

It's not a big deal for him at all so he fails to realize how much I hate the idea.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 18/09/2023 14:04

I think you need to have a word with your DH about how freely he offers things that now belong to both of you without so much as saying "Oh, we'll have to check to see if that works for us" kind of thing.

They are looking for somewhere free to stay. I mean you're still going to be paying for the electricity and gas and such to your home while these strangers stay in it, right? You're not going to charge them to stay in your home right? Would he normally offer up his cheque book/bank account and pay for strangers to stay somewhere because that is essentially what he is doing.

I think you need a chat with him to agree what is and isn't going to happen and letting strangers stay in your home is not something that you seem comfortable with so I'd have to say it would be a no, we have thought this through and we're actually not going to allow anyone stay in our home if we're not here too.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/09/2023 14:27

aroomwithaperfectview · 18/09/2023 13:09

It's not a big deal for him at all so he fails to realize how much I hate the idea.

Show quote history

Then you tell him and tell him this isn't happening. Isn't that obvious?

Original poster
aroomwithaperfectview · 18/09/2023 14:58

LookItsMeAgain · 18/09/2023 14:04

I think you need to have a word with your DH about how freely he offers things that now belong to both of you without so much as saying "Oh, we'll have to check to see if that works for us" kind of thing.

They are looking for somewhere free to stay. I mean you're still going to be paying for the electricity and gas and such to your home while these strangers stay in it, right? You're not going to charge them to stay in your home right? Would he normally offer up his cheque book/bank account and pay for strangers to stay somewhere because that is essentially what he is doing.

I think you need a chat with him to agree what is and isn't going to happen and letting strangers stay in your home is not something that you seem comfortable with so I'd have to say it would be a no, we have thought this through and we're actually not going to allow anyone stay in our home if we're not here too.

The chat has happened. I told him I wouldn't have any strangers or even family in my house while we were away and no strangers at all when we are presents. I also told my MIL.
The thing is nobody has even asked to be hosted by us yet. It's my MIL's very generous idea to offer by mail a list of accommodation in our area. Guests houses, airb&b etc. and our house...

OP posts:
Original poster
aroomwithaperfectview · 18/09/2023 15:00

Aquamarine1029 · 18/09/2023 14:27

Then you tell him and tell him this isn't happening. Isn't that obvious?

Show quote history

Done!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/09/2023 15:04

Well done, op. Don't ever be a doormat, and make it clear to your husband that he is never to speak for you again. Anything regarding your home needs to be an agreement between the two of you, and your mother-in-law doesn't get a vote.

Newestname002 · 18/09/2023 15:28

@aroomwithaperfectview

Well done on drawing the boundaries with your husband and MIL. You may need to repeat this in the future so do keep your guard up.

As to this ⬇️

The thing is nobody has even asked to be hosted by us yet. It's my MIL's very generous idea to offer by mail a list of accommodation in our area. Guests houses, airb&b etc. and our house...

If you are approached by other people, whether Friends, family or strangers because MIL is still being sneaky or controlling, let those people know that MIL did not have your permission to offer your home and they'll need to sort out other accommodation - perhaps with her!

I'd suggest you also change your locks and don't let MIL have copies. 🌹

LookItsMeAgain · 19/09/2023 15:40

Well done you!

Mcmach1 · 21/01/2024 07:41

aroomwithaperfectview · 17/09/2023 18:05

It's my first post and English isn't my first langage, please forgive my grammar.
My MIL turned up at our house last week as she usually does and just before leaving casually asked if, since we're away on October, would we mind having some people staying at our house. My DH said no problems at all but he did asked, afterwards, who those (these?) people were? My MIL mysteriously replied that she would let us know later.
Today, still a bit miffed about my DH's answer, I asked him if by now his mother had let him know more about this weird arrangement. I must say I'm not confortable at all having people stay in my house while we're away. Obviously I'm being akward, he doesn't know any more than me etc. , but will text his mother to ask, which he did. She answered saying she was coming back later today from one of her multiples holidays, will drop by our house to bring us some oysters and will then tell us all about it. My FIL will be present too but just goes with the flow.
Now, my MIL is very sociable (I'm an introvert). She loves nothing more than to throw big parties and telling her guests they can stay in our house for the night if needed which I've always acceped even though I don't like it at all. Not to drip feed, we already have a very good teacher friend who is staying with us on Sunday and Monday nights term time for practical reasons. This arrangement is for the whole school year then she will be able to retire. I did offer and DH went along, we're long time friends with both her and her DH.
Now, we both own our house, it's his mum, he has a large family, I've hardly anyone left. She's lovely, would do the same for us, not that I would ask.
I feel mean but I really resent her asking this kind of arrangement and resent my lovely DH for always saying yes, his argument being, well YOU can always refuse, I know but sick of always being the baddy. Have to go, apparently they're on their way.
Will reply later if someone is interested to find out who these (those) mysterious guests are.
By the way I'm French too but no time to edit my title or to reread this post.

Place cameras or mention you have cameras. Say for keeping eye on the dog? cat, cars, garden etc
Cost £30 each for WiFi ones easy setup (wyze)

Peace of mind for you and a deterrent to unwanted behaviour.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 21/01/2024 07:47

Does MIL have a key? Change the locks, put new key on dhs keyring...
T

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