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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh always asking me what’s wrong

29 replies

Treslittlebirds · 17/09/2023 17:19

He’s done it all weekend, I say I’m fine as I’m literally sat there watching tv with Dd or on my phone, then he says I’m obviously not and gets angry. I’ve just come upstairs to get some space as we were all happily watching a film, eating our dinner on the sofa and he asked again, I was mid fork in my mouth?! Drives me nuts, can’t relax in my own house. Plus today, I was watching a video of directions from the ballet teacher, for Dds new ballet place and he hovered over my shoulder asking what I’m watching 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

CherryMaDeara · 17/09/2023 17:20

YANBU. Start doing it back to him. Is he one of those twats who tells women ‘smile, it may never happen’?

Original poster

Treslittlebirds · 17/09/2023 17:24

@CherryMaDeara He wouldn’t say that to others, but even if I’m feeling any sort of way, I can’t be myself…plus If there was something actually wrong-why shout at me?! That wouldn’t make it better. I told him I was fine, why not just leave me be and accept people have different moods/feelings maybe or am I wrong and should be sat with a smile plastered on my face when just in my own house

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StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 17/09/2023 17:28

Omfg my dh does this and it drives me fucking nuts. He kept whining are you alright sweetie? In the end I asked him why he kept asking me that question. He gave a really good answer actually, and I ended up asking him how he would react if someone didn't believe him and kept asking the same q over and over again. What effect does he think it has on me? Have I EVER hesitated to discuss something with him? So why do you think it has changed? He's got much better since.

He also knows not to interrupt me when I'm listening to a podcast and I'm frowning - it's just my concentrating face.

CherryMaDeara · 17/09/2023 17:30

That’s controlling and toxic behaviour from him

I think you need to be more vocal with him, especially if he does this in front of the kids.

First, sit him down and tell him that his behaviour is becoming really worrying and controlling and he needs to stop immediately.

If it doesn’t work, next time he asks what’s wrong say ‘nothing, what’s wrong with you?’ Or ‘Nothing was wrong until you started your interrogation’.

And as I said, start doing it to him, put the questions back on him.

EstieGreenwood · 17/09/2023 17:33

I’d suspect he thinks you found out something he did that you wouldn’t like! Guilty conscience? It would be so annoying either way…

Original poster

Treslittlebirds · 17/09/2023 17:52

@CherryMaDeara In what way is it controlling & toxic? Really interested as it’s pissing me off!

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Catsafterme · 17/09/2023 17:57

It's controlling in the sense that you are just being yourself but he's constantly questioning that something is wrong with you and now you're fucked off and there is something wrong with you when there wasn't before.

I dunno if that falls under emotional but I had this for over a decade but that was abusive in my case was more than that.

Original poster

Treslittlebirds · 17/09/2023 18:09

@Catsafterme Sorry to hear that, did he used to say the same to you?

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Catsafterme · 17/09/2023 19:06

@Treslittlebirds My wife did, along with a lot more, that was just a part of it.

There was always something wrong, being asked all the time and no matter how much I said I was fine, nope something was wrong. I'm fine... I'm just watching the children play. You sure? Yes, I'm fine honestly...You don't look fine. I am, I'm fine, I've already said, I'm fine I would say if I wasn't there's nothing wrong. Okay...you don't look fine though. I am though...I dunno what else to tell you.

That and the hovering over shoulder, I could be reading a book and get it. Very paranoid.

Original poster

Treslittlebirds · 17/09/2023 19:11

@Catsafterme How awful, was she always like that or did something change? What is the reason for asking all the time, I asked Dh and he said because I look angry/upset, I guess that’s just my face then! Nobody else asks me this

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sweaterweatherplease · 17/09/2023 19:12

I think it sounds like a guilty conscience to me too. The constant checking is the worry that you've found out something he's trying to hide and isn't telling him while you 'get your ducks in a row'. His reaction to you watching the ballet video just seems to back it up.

What is he like with his phone? Do you have access to it or does he protect it? Could be an affair, or emotional affair, or porn maybe.

Is he an anxious person? A people pleaser? If so, he might genuinely think he's pissed you off and hates him...

Freezingcoldinseptember · 17/09/2023 19:13

Google how to get rid of a body.... Keep that page on until he next looks..

NanooCov · 17/09/2023 19:16

Maybe you've just got really strong resting bitch face?

The constantly asking if you're ok would drive me bonkers but asking what you're watching wouldn't bother me 🤷‍♀️

ChocolateRaisin09 · 17/09/2023 19:22

So has it just started this weekend? Hmmm.... have you checked bank statements lately? I wonder... I'd be so suspicious asking
"Why do you keep asking? Is there something you need to tell me?"

Catsafterme · 17/09/2023 19:26

@Treslittlebirds Not right at the beginning but pretty sure I got love bombed because it moved insanely fast and looking back that started around six months in but we were already living together. I fell for a victim act that turned out to be a lie and not until we got married and had children did it turn abusive. We're apart now but it's still continuing in other ways, has taken the children.

I'm not sure why other than seemed to thrive on chaos and drama, wasn't just me either had issues with everyone we knew. Life couldn't be peaceful it was consistent sabotage and a part of that was there must be something wrong with me. Bear in mind that abusive mindset of blame shifting played a part too.

But yeah the same, I would say it's just my face... I'm not angry or sad I'm just content... didn't matter what I said though.

Original poster

Treslittlebirds · 17/09/2023 19:34

It *Could be just my face, although I’ve been quieter but I’m ok I guess, just a bit flat I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️But everyone has different moods/feelings, why can’t I be left

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80skid · 17/09/2023 19:40

MyDH used to accuse me of scowling at him. It was really odd - I'd be thinking "oh I must remember to buy oxo cubes" and he'd be accusing me of giving him evils as Vicky Pollard would say. I've explained to him over time that a) not every fleeting thought I have is about him and b) I must have a resting bitch face.

Maybe your DH needs telling how he will know if there is a problem and how to tell if you're content?

PaperwhiteTheGhost · 17/09/2023 19:42

My DP used to do the "what are you thinking" all the time. Drove me nuts as I was generally not thinking anything at all.

Till o read an article that said its been scientifically proven that about 50% of people don't have an internal monologue. I don't, he does. He can now accept that when I'm not actively thinking something, my mind is completely blank.

Prelapsarianhag · 17/09/2023 19:43

He means: Why are you happy in yourself? Why wont you focus on meeeee, all the time? Fucking grandiose narc twat.

Gowlett · 17/09/2023 19:45

My DH does this. Thinks my actions / faces / tone of voice is somehow related to him. They aren’t. It’s all in his mind…

Crikeyalmighty · 17/09/2023 20:53

@Treslittlebirds does he also say 'are you alright' frequently- mine does this a lot- especially if I'm quiet etc . I find it annoying too

Yahyahs22 · 17/09/2023 21:08

So, my partner does this. The constant "are you okay?" And "what's up?". I saw a that said.."adults who constantly ask if you're okay grew up in an environment that was unstable in some way. Perhaps their parents were happy one minute and angry the next."
Knowing how my partner grew up this actually made me feel really sad and it no longer annoys me.

Yahyahs22 · 17/09/2023 21:09

I saw a video that said**

Original poster

Treslittlebirds · 17/09/2023 21:13

@Yahyahs22 He didn’t grow up in that environment, I’d say that was more me

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Original poster

Treslittlebirds · 17/09/2023 21:14

@Crikeyalmighty Yes, I can’t be quiet/feel a bit down/be thinking about something…be human basically without it being a problem

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