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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are semi regular spontaneous all nighters ok in your marriage

50 replies

Aworldofwonder · 17/09/2023 14:45

This is no big deal, just something I've been pondering over since a lunch yesterday with friends.

Nothing juicy btw sorry.

Three women let's call them Angela, Barbara and Catherine meet for lunch. Angela and Barbara both have kids and are married. The lunch has been arranged for ages, it was supposed to be dinner but there's sports on later that Barbara wants to watch. The other two women have not committed one way or another to joining her for sports watching.

Angela lives significantly further away from the city than the other two. She had suggested meeting at a more midpoint but nothing was agreed on. On the day there is a problem with the trains from her direction so she drives her car. Her DH had offered to drive her but with DC commitments she would have been late for lunch. The other two come on public transport so they are drinking wine.

After lunch Angela mentions in passing how lovely the lunch was and how she's disappointed she didn't get to drink wine as she was looking forward to it. Barbara suggests Angela drive to the area where Barbara lives to watch the sports as Angela has family living there and can dump the car and stay locally overnight and then will be able to enjoy drinks with Barbara and Barbara's DH.

Angela says she won't do that as she hasn't arranged it with her husband and she would be upset with him if it was the other way around. Angela thinks this is a selfish suggestion. Herself and DH spend overnights away from each other but they are planned in advance

Barbara says that is unreasonable that either spouse deciding to have a spontaneous overnight should be discouraged as one parent can manage well. She says it happens on both sides four or five times a year in her marriage. Barbara thinks Angela is controlling for suggesting she would be annoyed at her DH.

Some extra information;

Angela and her DH both work long hours outside of the home, they do more early daytime fitness related hobby stuff and are not prone to late nights anyway. They are both focused on their careers and have less free time. They are happy together.

Barbara's husband works long hours outside of the home but Barbara works very hard in the home with a larger family and is very busy. They do a lot of socialising, drink much more and also have a happy marriage.

What are your thoughts?
YABU : A spontaneous night out where you leave your partner to do bedtime on top of the whole day and ruin plans for the next morning because you missed out on some alcoholic beverages is not an automatic privilege. .
YANBU : A marriage is not a prison, both should be prioritising keeping their social lives going elsewhere. Plans are not set in stone. It's controlling to not allow your spouse to switch things up.

OP posts:
PosterBoy · 17/09/2023 14:50

Barbara's husband probably engineered this concept a while ago as it gives him a bit of time to spend with his affair partner of the moment.

Angela was just being polite when she said she wished she could drink the wine. The last thing she wants is to spend the night getting pissed up. She loves her cosy duvet too much to want to be away overnight.

What was Catherine up to in all this?

ssd · 17/09/2023 14:50

Jeezo.

fiddlesticksandotherwords · 17/09/2023 14:52

My thoughts?

Angela's DH is controlling and abusive and wouldn't allow her to stay out overnight like that, and she knew there would be hell to pay if she asked. So she told her friends the opposite because she was ashamed to admit the truth.

Original poster
Aworldofwonder · 17/09/2023 14:54

Interesting replies!

OP posts:
BeMoreBarbie · 17/09/2023 14:54

It's an interesting question. In theory, yes they should be ok as long as children are safe and happy. You should not be controlled and you should be able to have fun without the "will X allow it." In practice, it doesn't seem to work that way and I'm not sure why.

Megapint · 17/09/2023 14:59

Angela suspects Barbara & her husband might be sex people. Not a chance in hell she's s going to stay there & get pissed with them, so she's made up an excuse that her old man wouldn't be down with it. I also think the op could have been summed up in 1 paragraph. There is too much extra dross to wade through.

PostBoxErgoProperBox · 17/09/2023 15:03

I agree that Barbara and Mr Barbara are swingers, and Angela didn't fancy it.

Original poster
Aworldofwonder · 17/09/2023 15:04

Not swingers or anything weirder than a potentially heavy night drinking; Angela knows Mrs and Mr Barbara decades.

OP posts:
BrawnWild · 17/09/2023 15:06

Barbara should butt out.

BrawnWild · 17/09/2023 15:09

Barbara should butt out.

And to add that Angela probably found the whole thing a pain in the arse as it had to be rearranged to suit Barbara and Angela probably saw from a mile off that Barbara wanted Angela to be a free taxi home.

Barbara is selfish and decided to shame Angela's relationship because she didnt get her own way. Fuck Barbara.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 17/09/2023 15:18

I got a bit confused reading this but I think I got the gist.

To me, randomly having a night away would very much depend on the age of the children. If my DH was to turn a lunch with friends into an overnight drinking session, I probably wouldn’t be happy about it because we have two DC, aged 9 and 2. He wouldn’t be happy if I did it either. This isn’t because either one of us is controlling but because children (especially toddlers) are hard work and it’s nice to have some back up and support. Unless I’ve missed it or it’s not been said and the children are teens, then this would be less of a big deal as long as it didn’t ruin other plans.

I think Barbara should but out of her friends relationship and accept the no for what it was.

Woahtheremate · 17/09/2023 15:26

It way waaaay too much information I fell off at least 20 times....but Angela is being unreasonable. The occasional spontaneous stay over for reasons like this are perfectly normal on both sides. The fact that she would be angry at her DH probably shows a lack of trust, maybe on both sides. People suddenly act like they can't cope for themselves, for no other reason than that they are being controlling.

Stimpend · 17/09/2023 15:27

You do you. Personally I'd be with Angela but either is pretty normal I would think. Weird think to judge in someone else's marriage though.

I'm on the fence as to whether you are Angela or the mysterious Catherine.

pickledandpuzzled · 17/09/2023 15:27

If angela wanted to stay out, she should have been able to ring her DH and check it was ok with the rest of the family, and vice Versa. It's possible to be both spontaneous and considerate.

Barbara should pipe down, she's already had her way about the timing and the venue.

Barbara and Cathy probably need to be more considerate of angela too.

In fact, angela seems a considerate person, and values that quality. I'm surprised she still wants to hang out with Barbara and perhaps even Kathy. I wonder whether she's reconsidering?!

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 17/09/2023 15:28

An occasional change of plans resulting in a night away is fine, as long as my other half let's me know thats the plan. Saying you'll be home by 11pm then not turning up at home is not acceptable.

I tend to do day drinking so am usually home and tucked up in bed by 9pm. DH goes out for a few drinks, and then they decide to have an all nighters. Which is fine as long as I know the plans have changed.

Merryoldgoat · 17/09/2023 15:34

Whether this is appropriate (for me and DH) depends on the next day’s plans. I wouldn’t be impressed if it prevented me from doing something I’d arranged for the next day. However if no plans I wouldn’t care and vice versa.

rwalker · 17/09/2023 15:35

Angela doesn’t want to stay and used husband as excuse
whilst it would be nice to have few wines it messes up the night and next day not worth the hassle for a few drinks

Sandysandwich · 17/09/2023 15:37

Both sound annoying and judgy. Both types of marriage are fine, it is fine to plan your nights in advance and also fine if the couple is happy being spontaneous.
It was rude of Angela to say that it would be selfish thing to do when its obvious that her friend does that.
It was rude of Barbara to say that Angela is controlling when really she just has a different relationship style.

Irrelevant Catherine could probably make better less annoying friends.

Original poster
Aworldofwonder · 17/09/2023 15:38

Thanks for all the replies. I know the topic was pretty dull so it was interesting to hear the perspectives. I posted as I am wondering if I was deluding myself a bit.

I am Angela.

I think

  1. I was a bit miffed that I had to travel really far again and that was possibly the real reason I wouldn't even consider further inconveniencing myself and DH.
  2. I value weekend time as a family as an always shattered after a week's work. My DH is the same. The judgment about our relationship got my back up slightly. We had a date planned for the following morning (going to a spa) and I didn't want to explain that.

What was strange was when I got home and explained about the sport watching DH immediately said "why didn't you go with them? I was thinking you'd probably stay the night." Then I felt a bit shamed for saying to Barbara I wouldn't accept it the other way around. He's never requested anything like that though.

Our DC is 5 for reference and we have a teenager staying with us. So it would have been work for him.

I didn't want to be away from DH and DC overnight though. That's probably the main reason.

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 17/09/2023 15:41

I think the answer is somewhere in the middle. Not really okay to just spontaneously pull an all nighter without checking with DP first, but I don’t see a problem in sending a text to a DP ‘I’m having a great time and Barbara’s suggested I go back to hers for the night, is that okay with you to have the kids? Will be back by lunchtime tomorrow.’ In a reasonable marriage I don’t see why DP wouldn’t say yes unless there is a reason (eg: plans the next day) or it’s happening too frequently without the DP ever getting a break.

UnbeatenMum · 17/09/2023 15:42

Our children are and have always been fairly challenging, there's no way either of us would feel it was appropriate or fair to add on a night at no notice. Plus I'm not a student, I like my own PJs and toothbrush and a clean pair of pants in the morning!

gannett · 17/09/2023 15:42

I did get the distinct impression that Angela wasn't up for an all-nighter regardless of her relationship rules, and was just saying whatever to get out of it. But you did throw your husband under the bus a bit. Just say you're tired and have plans the next morning.

Whether spontaneous all-nighters are OK depends on the context. Are there plans that will be disrupted or not, how much inconvenience will you cause your partner, have you communicated it all well. A blanket ban on them does seem controlling but equally you do need to have some consideration for your partner.

notacooldad · 17/09/2023 15:47

I've stayed on spontaneously once or twice when the kids were very young and I was already on a night out. Just a quick phone call to DH to tell him where I was and where I was staying and all was good. His response was always ' have a nice time, do you want me to pick you up in the morning' and he would say the kids were asleep or settling down or what ever. Same the other way round when he went out.
It didn't happen that often, I think we both like our own bed too much but not a biggie if it happened.

gogomoto · 17/09/2023 15:49

All depends, I certainly thinks it's fine if (a) nothing is planned (b) you aren't leaving the other person to be with kids etc and not reciprocated, and (c) you're not disturbing Sunday plans (eg with a hangover).

Dp has stayed at his mum's a couple of times unplanned but he wasn't having fun, I'd be more aggrieved if he was out with mates as we normally do a certain thing on Saturdays and if he was planning to be away I'd make other plans. Couple of times a year i could live with, more than that I'd say make plans in advance!

Woahtheremate · 17/09/2023 15:56

After reading your update, it sounds more like you just didn't want the all nighter, rather than making excuses as such. Your DH would have been fine about it, I dont see why you wouldn't have been fine with him doing it. But the real reason is you just didn't want to stay away, and that's fine. But being honest and saying you don't like staying out looks a lot less controlling than you wouldn't like one another staying out.

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