AIBU? I don’t feel guilty / sad for leaving DC to go out

[Mamatolittleboy]

I have a 6 mo DS. I love him with everything I have. Myself and DH have started to have a night each per week where we will go out without DS for a few hours and do our own thing. I’m enjoying going out, seeing my friends, feeling like my old self, being able to put a bit of makeup on etc and dress up a bit.

Some of my friends tell me they’d feel guilty leaving this DC at home and hate being apart. Although I miss my DS and think about him, I can’t wait to have my own time each week.

Does anyone else feel the same as me?

Agree with the poster who said people who can never leave their baby for 4 seconds are right bores! I get it if you have literally only yourself and your baby, no one who you could say “can I just have a walk around the block and you hold the baby,” to and no support network at all. That’s not someone being a bore; that’s someone having no other options.
Everyone is different obviously but I always enjoyed having a break. Their dad was (and still is!) a good dad, I wasn’t leaving them with a negligent parent. Sure, he probably did things differently when I wasn’t there but that doesn’t make him a worse parent.
I personally felt it did me good getting out and about and it’s healthy for them too.
When my last dc was born I went on a long weekend with my best friend when he was about 6 months old, it was absolutely glorious.

Nope I’ve never felt guilty. Never went out as a couple when mine were little but that’s because our older child is disabled and there was no one else who could look after him but I did go out with friends and regularly on long weekends with friends. DH happy to stay home with the kids.

for the pp who mentioned breastfeeding. All mine were exclusively breast fed for over a year. I just used to express a couple of bottles. The op’s babu us 6 months old !

I don't think it's helpful for people to slag off other mothers who aren't/weren't happy to leave their babies and small children. We are all different, and different things make us happy and fulfilled. One mother might need to spend a couple of hours out with friends; another might need to spend some time at the gym or shopping; another might not need or want to do any of these things. The only things that are ever a problem are a mother wanting either to leave her child for a bit and not being able to; or a mother having to leave her child when she doesn't want to.

Those of us who didn't or don't want to leave our children are no more deserving of snide remarks and judgement as those who and did want to.

Exactly. I find this thread a bit mean tbh! I didn’t leave mine but I wouldn’t judge those that do but seems many are happy to judge the other way.

Not everyone can express HTH

Not when they were little because they were both BF. Covid was a really intense time for us all because of DH’s work. But he does his fair share and doesn’t go out/have time away more than I do. I am planning to go away to visit a friend next month for the weekend, the first time I’ll ever have been away from them overnight! Not sure how I feel about it to be honest!

That was in reply to @Torganer - I clicked ‘reply’ but is didn’t quote you or anything.

Not everyone can express HTH

And not all babies will take a bottle!!

They're just jealous you can do that every week!! I'd love that!!

What happens when Mums who never leave their children for a minute go into hospital to have their second child? I can imagine that must be so traumatic for a child who has never been apart from their mother.

Please don't feel guilty, being a good parent doesn't mean being a martyr. The break from it all probably helps you restore your parenting battery.

Hi, OP - To each her own, and covid was especially difficult.

But I’m with you. It’s great for your DC to build an independent relationship with their dad, and it will be good for all of you to find a couple of great babysitters that DC regards as a special treat so you can occasionally go out together. None of this means you love him less!

I hated leaving my twins, I felt physically sick being separated from them as babies. That changed naturally as they got older, they are confident, independent 11 year olds now and I can wave them off trusting that they will call me if they need me.

My son was a very high needs baby (still is a high needs 8 year old), I needed time away from him to stay sane, so I arranged it, chilled out and came back a much better mother.

We are all different, each relationship is different and if you need the space take it. But remember that not everyone is in the same place as you.

@AnnaTortoiseshell yes that happens to me too - not sure what the point of the replying function is, it never works for me!

Yes, we also had a baby in lockdown, luckily we had started to come out just after they were born. Was awful as my husband couldn’t stay with me after I had them and it was so lonely.

I guess I was lucky and ours took a bottle, we tried a few weeks in and it seemed to work. I think you’ll have an amazing time away, the children will love having a weekend with their dad to themselves!!

YANBU. Happy mum, happy baby. It is a good thing for parents to see their friends, have social connection, have a break from the very hard task that is parenting! If you’re being guilt tripped, I suspect whoever is doing it might be a bit jealous.

Nope not U at all. I think it's healthy to get a few hours headspace. I have 2 children, one is currently EBF so can't be left for more than about 10 minutes to pop to the corner shop (obviously left with dp) but I look forward to the time I can go out for a few hours without the pram/being responsible for another human.

Yes, and I can’t believe women posting on here like it’s something compulsory, like teething or paying tax. It has never occurred to me to feel guilty about anything related to parenting, or to maintaining a life outside of being a parent.

This thread has come about as a result of all the hand-wringing, self-congratulation and sanctimony you typically get on mn on the subject of leaving babies at home, or rather, not. It's pretty aggravating.

Of course you shouldn’t feel guilty, ignore your friend. You’re still a person and it’s important you do things for yourself. Baby is with their other parent, I hate this thing in society that fathers are seen as ‘babysitting’ their own kid

I never got as far as that but good point! Could never get anything out. Hate the “just express” nonsense.

I remember the first time I went to work (rather than WFH) for the day when my LB was about 7 or 8 months and I loved every second of the day, even just sat peacefully on my own on the train felt like a treat. I love my LB more than anything but I don’t miss having to be with him 24 hours a day (he was breastfed so for the first 7 or 8 months I was never away from him for longer than about an hour).

I never got as far as that but good point! Could never get anything out. Hate the “just express” nonsense.

@BananaSlug oh totally, I was joining you! It’s really not as simple as saying ‘just express’. Even if you can, and your baby will take a bottle, it’s bloody awful! No ‘just’ about it!

Completely agree. Felt like I was pumping for weeks to get 50ml out!! Can’t believe I kept it up for so long, my midwife MIL told me not to bother as it was causing me distress and just give formula for a bottle if I was out (luckily ours would take a bottle). It was such a weight of my mind, even though I stupidly felt guilty about it - I won’t be making the same mistake next time if we are lucky enough to have another!!

God no! Not unreasonable at all. I went on my first night out when baby was 6 weeks old and I've been out regularly since then (he's now 5). He also slept at my mums 1 night a week from about 4 weeks old (up until starting school as now it doesn't fit in as easy with all the kids parties and classes etc), so I'm probably very much the opposite to a lot of people but I really needed the break for my sanity.
Enjoy your time to yourself :)

This is a dick comment and unnecessary. Just because people don't want to go out they aren't boring.

Op, of course you are absolutely fine to go out and not feel guilty. The friends who said they did are being dicks because there is no need for them to say anything other than have a good night.

As with most of these things doing either is fine - going out is fine, it doesn't make you a negligent, awful parent. Staying in is also fine, it doesn't make you a boring martyr who can only talk about your kids!

@PostBoxErgoProperBox @BananaSlug Sorry that you both find this thread mean. Everyone is different and if you don’t feel ready too or don’t want to leave DC when they are young that’s completely understandable. My thread was more for the mums that sometimes want some time away from DC but get judged by those who do not leave DC. Both ways are absolutely acceptable and neither should be judged xx