AIBU? I don’t feel guilty / sad for leaving DC to go out

[Mamatolittleboy]

I have a 6 mo DS. I love him with everything I have. Myself and DH have started to have a night each per week where we will go out without DS for a few hours and do our own thing. I’m enjoying going out, seeing my friends, feeling like my old self, being able to put a bit of makeup on etc and dress up a bit.

Some of my friends tell me they’d feel guilty leaving this DC at home and hate being apart. Although I miss my DS and think about him, I can’t wait to have my own time each week.

Does anyone else feel the same as me?

Sounds sensible and enjoyable. Both parents should be able to look after their children without the other. Good to have some company and see different people.

I’m with you .

@PostBoxErgoProperBox I feel the same as you where DS is my whole world, I love spending our days together

But I can’t help but still have this desire to go out and about, doing all the things I used to love doing pre baby / pregnancy.

Love hearing everyone’s perspective too! Also loved that you mentioned you are no better / I am no better than you. I think sometimes mums make it out like they love their child more because they can’t go out without them. “I could never leave my baby, I love them too much! As if I don’t love my DS!

The guilt tripping friend is ridiculous. If anything people encourage mothers to get out because no matter how irrational, it can feel difficult for some.

I went out a lot but my baby was so easy, I was always out in cafes, restaurants, dinner parties and sometimes even a quiet bar. I did leave him for a weekend with his dad when he was less than a year so I could go away with friends. Unfortunately my bravado was all talk and I spent the weekend crying and missing him.

Same.

Mine are much older now but I've never felt guilty for going out and never 'missed' them either when they've been away at weekends.

I look forward to seeing them when I know I'm going to but that's all.

My exh still prioritised my social life when we split up too. He felt it was important that I had a social life - happy mum; happy kids n all.

But I can’t help but still have this desire to go out and about, doing all the things I used to love doing pre baby / pregnancy.

And so you should.

You didn't sacrifice yourself, your personality, your whole being.

Some women doing their babies too much to do it when theyre young and thats fine too! But some also martyr themselves at the altar of motherhood and that doesn't benefit anyone.

Well she’ll get used to it pretty quickly once she’s back at work 🤷‍♀️

Nobody should feel guilty for this. I went to see a (very long) film at the cinema by myself when DS was 3 weeks old. I left DH a bottle of expressed milk. No issues at all.

I find most of the women who say this are saying it out of jealousy because they can’t do this either cause of lousy husbands or whatever so they try to justify it by saying they wouldnt want to etc

and please before anyone who actually doesnt want to leave leave their child jumps down my throat i said MOST not ALL.

you don’t stop becoming your own person when you have kids, having time away to refresh is good for you and in turn for your kids in the long run for having a happier mum

I also add that staying a couple of days with doting grandparents is good for everyone.

@Covetthee I do think part of it could be that if I’m honest. Always moaning about their useless partner so probably why she doesn’t go out without DC yet. I’ve told her before to just say “right I’m going out Thursday evening so you can be with DC” like he does to her

Hell no I couldn't wait to get a (rare) break from my kids. Also I don't buy all this shit from parents weeping and wailing with grief cos their kids have started school 😳 The flags went out at my house when mine started school 🤣🤣🤣

Have an I read this right - a few hours once a week when your baby is already 6 months? This seems completely normal to me, and actually I'm very impressed with how organised and level headed about your socialising you and your DH have been about this. I used to love the occasional evening out when DC was little but it was always ad hoc. It's a great idea to plan it so you know you have that bit of normality to look forward to.

Agree it's lazy partners and the general expectation that women be martyrs who never have time to enjoy themselves. If you were saying that you were doing one day a week in the office, doing the weekly shopping, helping elderly parents or spending a few hours quality time with just you and baby's older brother no body would bat an eyelid about missing their baby too much - couple of hours with friends, and sometimes a cocktail?? Impossible, would rather die than be apart for so long......

I started leaving my baby with my DH to go out for lunch/shopping/cinema nails etc when he was a few days old. Never even thought twice about it as he was with his other parent and I want to have my own life too.

My mum started babysitting once or twice a week when he was a week old so me and DH could go for meals together regularly.

I find it bizarre that people don't want to still have a semblance of their own life. I love my baby but I need my own time too! He's been formula fed from birth though so that makes it easier.

I never feel guilty for leaving DC with their dad. He's their parent too!

I think everyone has "that" friend. Mine told me I was a bad mum for not taking my DC to a tooth extraction with me 😂

Her children are now upper primary school and she still does not go anywhere without them.

Funnily enough I don't see her much anymore!

While we are on the subject OP, my kids are 6 and 10 and I share your sentiments and I continue to - I’ll tell you why.

Growing up I was one of three and my mum really marytyred herself for 20 years over us. She was NEVER out the house when we were little in case anyone of us needed her. She ditched hobbies, she stopped going out with friends because in her eyes good mums didn’t do that, good mums were slaves to their kids.

So there’s just over a year between us all and by the time we were 12, 13 & 14 what were we doing - buggering off with mates, thinking poor mum was the saddest thing going (as teens do!) so not spending times with her, we basically left her to it - until we wanted something and we expected her to be around because she always was!

What was she doing - nothing. She’d lost her pals, lost her confidence to try new things, she ended up rattling around the house bored and unhappy. When I was pregnant with DD she made me promise that I wouldn’t do what she did. That I’d show I am a person with interests and my own enjoyment, that I’d model being happy in my own right.

Thats exactly wha I’ve done. I’m off for a girls weekend next Friday. DH is going on a week long holiday in October with a mate. I often bugger off for days on end and always have done. My kids see me as Martin (not my real name but pretend it is 🤣) rather than just MumBot. I think it’s SO important to take this stance and it’s the advice I will always offer!

The mums who feel like that are mostly the mums who don't trust other people with their babies, including their partners. I'm like that due to anxiety and it's an utterly shite way to live 😅 So don't be like me! Keep enjoying your evenings/nights out.

I went out for a friend’s leaving drinks at 6m. Had a great time! One ex-colleague (who was a bit tipsy), kept telling me how she couldn’t have done what I was doing at that age as she would have missed her daughter too much!! I was out for a total of 4hrs during which my child was asleep in bed 😂

I run an activity weekly, I had 6 weeks break after my first as I had had a C section and then no break after 2nd as they arrived during the summer holidays.

Been out every Thursday since they were born, both breastfed but fed before I left and once home if needed, but both would take a bottle of expressed milk as well.

Different strokes for different folks, no need to judge on either side.

I ran out the door the second I could to see my friends etc and didn’t look back 😂 I always felt like I was doing something wrong or missing some motherly instinct when people said they didn’t want to or just miss their baby too much when I didn’t at all… or was their baby nicer than mine 😂 I spend so much time with my baby, I really need some time to myself to not go mad, but have accepted we’re all different mothers! Once a week is absolutely reasonable, if you wanted to do it 3x a week and it worked for you it would still be reasonable…

Of course!

And I think anyone who doesn’t should get down the GP. At 6 months time spent interacting with others is good for them, as is learning that when you go away you will come back, and he is safe. Not to mention the fact that the healthier you both are mentally the better it is for him.

It’s so tough when you don’t have the options of sitters. It’s crazy to deliberately inflect it on yourself.

I went back to work at 6 months. What kind of monster am I?? You are doing nothing wrong and your mate is being daft.

I think in a way I'm lucky in that all my friends who have babies have similar opinions to me, we have always maintained our social lives both with and without our kids being present.

I remember when DD was about 7 months old, it was 2020 so rule of six and only allowed to be in a public place I think (no back gardens at this point I reckon as I can't see why it came about otherwise), me and 5 of my friends left our kids at home so we could take our camping chairs and sat on a park bandstand like teenagers but 2m apart from each other to celebrate a birthday 😂 yours seems a lot more civilised haha.

I can’t relate to these posts at all, my DD1 was tiny when covid hit and was also BF. And then DD2 wouldn’t take a bottle, so I had very intense times with both my little ones. I don’t think I would have felt comfortable leaving them at 6 months, though, even if I could have.

My eldest is 3.5 now and I’ve never been away for a night, even. Except to have DD2! Partly because we don’t have the offer of childcare, to be fair!

I do try to do things just for me each week now they’re toddlers. Like PP have said, I want them to see their mum as a human in my own right. I think this is so important! I do feel guilty, though I know I shouldn’t.

Oh no! That sounds so tough. Do you live with their dad? Could he not take them for a few nights whilst you had a break with friends?