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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be sick of men

41 replies

thegreenlight · 17/09/2023 11:02

Husband has just sulked off to a committee meeting for his hobby. Left me alone all summer looking after two ND kids because he couldn’t get a day off despite him being the one to grant holidays. We are having renovations and things are hard but he’s not getting enough sex and it makes him horrid - of course it’s all my fault. I speak to him like shit, I shout at him, I don’t come near him which isn’t true. He always gets like this when we don’t have sex. I’m sick of it. I work full time and have done ALL the mental load for the build, for the kids EVERYTHING. He does more than most but it’s still no where near enough. He gets all ‘woman hatey’ when we don’t have sex too. OBVIOUSLY RB has done nothing wrong and feminists are awful. He’s only like this when he hasn’t had sex. It’s like poison in him. He can be lovely but at the moment if I never see another man again I wouldn’t be sad. He’s off on a work trip to Amsterdam at 3:00 for 2 days and I really couldn’t care less if he paid for sex as obviously I am such a let down to him. Sorry to vent - stuck in a one bedroom flat with my mum with no one to talk to (don’t want to upset mum) I’m sure it will all be fine but rig hit now I’m done.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 17/09/2023 11:15

Of course he excuses RB and anyone else - he thinks he’s entitled to sex and you’re just there for his needs; sexual coercion is a crime

thegreenlight · 17/09/2023 11:18

He get really sexually aggressive when he gets like this, to the point that I’m scared to have sex with him as I can’t predict how he will act. As soon as he’s ejaculated he goes back to his usual self. It really is like a poison in him. It perpetuates the problem. We are sharing a room with our 6 and 10 year old while the renovations are being done so I don’t know what he expects!

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Shoxfordian · 17/09/2023 11:41

Why are you staying married to someone who treats you like this?

ShinyBandana · 17/09/2023 11:44

Omg he sounds appalling

Tell him his behaviour has made your fanny seal up and that’s on him.

Merryoldgoat · 17/09/2023 11:45

So he’s actually not lovely at all.

You need to face the reality of your situation. You’re in an abusive relationship and it won’t get better.

thegreenlight · 17/09/2023 11:46

He can be really, really lovely but when he’s not, he’s not. I hate sex and would never do it ever again if I didn’t have to. He watches lots of porn too even though I used to hate it and get upset but I’ve got used to it now. It’s honestly like Jekyll and Hyde.

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thegreenlight · 17/09/2023 11:50

It’s MY problem if I don’t want it. I’m defective. He’s obsessed with anal and I’m always worried that he will try to do it. It makes me nervous and I can’t relax during sex. We’ve been together since I was 15 (he’s the same age) and I’ve never slept with anyone else in my life. I feel like I’m defective.

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Morewineplease10 · 17/09/2023 11:52

Op this is awful for you.

I think you should look into leaving him. I understand that feels terrifying though, especially as you've been with him for so long.

eggsontoastnbeans · 17/09/2023 11:53

OMG he sounds absolutely awful! Run run run! It's not you x

NunsKnickers · 17/09/2023 11:54

He sounds like an abuser. You sound scared of him.

I hope you're OK OP.

starfro · 17/09/2023 11:55

If you "hate sex" and he enjoys it, it will invariably lead to huge tension.

He is frustrated and lashing out in all the wrong ways, just to get any sort of reaction from you.

Unless you can change things, you're probably better off splitting, as the current situation just leads to resentment on both sides.

thegreenlight · 17/09/2023 11:56

He’s not awful - he really is my best friend. It’s just around sex. He changes and is unrecognisable.

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Angryappendix · 17/09/2023 11:57

Why are you with him then? The money he provides as a partner? A nice renovated house? None of those things are worth your self respect and peace.

He sounds fucking awful, stop enabling him and leave and do it for your kids.

The question is will still still be wanting to do the same venting in a years time or will you have taken the action to leave?

meganorks · 17/09/2023 11:57

None of this is normal OP. If you hate sex it is because of sex with him! And as that is all you have ever known you have no point of comparison. Sex shouldn't be awful and scary and if it is its because you are in an abusive relationship. Being lovely sometimes isn't enough!

Angryappendix · 17/09/2023 11:57

BULLSHIT

Shoxfordian · 17/09/2023 11:58

You’re not defective
You’re not the problem here

Angryappendix · 17/09/2023 11:58

That was in response to OP saying this person is her best friend.

thegreenlight · 17/09/2023 11:58

We have been together 25 years. I earn the same as him. He just changes when it comes to sex.

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thegreenlight · 17/09/2023 12:00

He is - I wouldn’t rather spend time with anyone else. It’s like a different part of him. It makes him angry and poisonous. We have similar sex lives to normal married couples, it’s just his reaction.

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Angryappendix · 17/09/2023 12:01

Ok cool stay with him then and stop whinging 👍

Deadringer · 17/09/2023 12:03

So as long as you keep him happy sexually he is a nice guy. A bit like having a pet lion who won't eat you as long as he is well fed. Doesn't sound like a safe or happy relationship at all.

NunsKnickers · 17/09/2023 12:04

You're scared he might anally rape you but he's your best friend???

OK then.

Shoxfordian · 17/09/2023 12:05

No you don’t have similar sex lives to healthy happy married couples - it’s not normal to feel sexually coerced or worried he’s going to anally rape you

thegreenlight · 17/09/2023 12:05

He wouldn’t rape me! He would pressurise me and me not wanting to would turn things sour. He’s not always like this, just enough to make me nervous in bed.

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thegreenlight · 17/09/2023 12:06

I can’t speak to him - I’m not good at confrontation and he always twists things to make it my fault.

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