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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To occasionally fantasise about life with no children

54 replies

Whereland · 17/09/2023 08:17

I love my children and wouldn't have it any other way. But every now and then I indulge in a little "what would I be doing right now if I had no children" daydream. I was up this morning at 5.45 in the pitch black with 2 y/o, the other two followed not long after. I can't help thinking how much I'd love to still be asleep in bed and planning a chilled day of doing whatever I want. Alas, soft play it is.

OP posts:
BelindaBears · 17/09/2023 08:20

My 5 year old has been annoying me since 6:15, DH is ill and I slept really badly. She wouldn’t even be palmed off with screen time which is usually my early morning fall back. You bet I’m fantasising about a child free day. Not that she didn’t exist, just that she was perhaps having a sleepover somewhere until early afternoon.

alifeunexpected · 17/09/2023 08:22

No it's not unreasonable at all...& I think it's pretty normal. I know I do it very regularly! 😂 I love my DS & of course wouldn't be without him, but as my DH & I don't have any help on the childcare front, I often reminisce about life before kids, & how lovely it would be to just head off on a city break for a few days, just us.

Life is really tough these days, & I think a little daydream is healthy. As long as it doesn't make you resentful. If it starts to make you feel that way, probably best not to think about it too much!

Nothingbuttheglory · 17/09/2023 08:25

Yanbu yanbu yanbu

NnarcissaMalfoy · 17/09/2023 08:32

I regularly have these thoughts! But then remind myself that I wasn't any happier really before kids, despite life being easier

RockAndRollerskate · 17/09/2023 08:37

I dream of grandparents that will take the kids for the weekend or a DH that loves doing bedtime on his own

Puffinsandcreeks · 17/09/2023 08:37

I think there's name difference between thinking about "what would my life be like if I didn't have my children & they didn't exist" and "what would life be like if I could have a breather and just have adult time", that breather might come in the form of childcare help from others to give you a night off, a partner whisking them away to give you a lie in, etc. Some friends I have often book themself in to an airbnb for a night and then have a day to themself but that's not something I'd spend my money on.

In truth I think the former is kind of horrible. A relative recently told me she often wonders about her life if she never had her children, meaning they wouldn't exist, and personally I couldn't ever think that about my kids. Call me what you want for my honesty there. She actually said it in front of them both and they're old enough to understand her.

Wanting a break from the early wake ups, the child-based activities, and wanting a day to yourself is perfectly normal.
You're allowed to love your children but also want a break from mum-ing.

Mammma91 · 17/09/2023 08:38

I’m with you on the day dreaming. DS has been hard work and quite tearful the last few days. I’m in my first trimester of pregnancy and barely sleeping and pissed off as a result. Oh for us all to be off on a cruise with some sunshine and no children for a few days 😂

Phos · 17/09/2023 08:39

Of course not, it’s not that different from fantasising about becoming a millionaire when trudging to work one cold November morning! I sometimes look back wistfully at those lazy, chilled Sundays when we woke up when we wanted to, went for a long walk and then to a pub for the afternoon.

Palegreenstars · 17/09/2023 08:40

Haha I love doing this. I’ve just survived hosting my daughters first sleepover with a friend. I’m exhausted.

if they weren’t here, I’d be just waking up, reading the papers, maybe go for a long walk and an autumn roast. Watch a movie. All things I can do to some degree today, but it would just be so relaxing.

pumpkintits · 17/09/2023 08:43

I do this far too often (I love my kids I swear!)

I told DH my fantasy was for him to take the kids away for 2 nights so I could have one full day where from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep where I got to watch what I wanted, drink what I wanted, eat what I wanted, read what I wanted and do nothing for anyone else at all.

I would tell no one about this day and avoid answering calls and the door because some fucker would find out and ask me to socialise and that's just a big fat no!

Hopingforno2in2023 · 17/09/2023 08:44

Very normal at that age I think. I don’t have those thoughts anymore but DS is 7 and sleeps well and largely entertains himself when we are at home.

JonjoMonjo21 · 17/09/2023 08:46

YANBU also been up since 5am with toddler. I have not motivation to even get dressed today. I’m exhausted with life.

MadamPia · 17/09/2023 08:51

I do every now and then. I also have thoughts about other. Joice’s I made I. My life like “what if I took that job instead of that” and “what if I lived here instead of there” I love my DD and wouldn’t change her or my life. Her existence really grounds me but the thoughts are quick “wonders” as opposed to wishing them away. I agree with the previous person, sometimes we need a break if we catch a glimpse of a single persons life and it’s normal to go into a daydream.

flidbenzz · 17/09/2023 08:58

YANBU. Same here. DD 3 up at 6 as per usual, DH away on a school trip so I'm going to battle soft play with her with horrible period pain. The joys!
Love the bones of her but I wish I could just watch a bit of eastenders and rest!

BibbleandSqwauk · 17/09/2023 08:58

Absolutely fine. I have the odd weekend and sometimes whole weeks in the school holidays when they are at their dads and it's brilliant. Tidy, clean house, complete autonomy to come and go as I want, see people, do things or do nothing. My married friends who never get that break are envious. Of course most of the time I pay for it because everything is all on me day to day, but it is wonderful to have so no, it's not wrong or weird to think of it.
I also don't think it's wrong to imagine the "what if they were never born" life. It's not personal, it's about you not them.

Tumbleweed101 · 17/09/2023 09:02

It does get better... Still not like having no children... but better when they are teens/adults.

They are still a worry but I can go off and do what I want these days without worrying about the children needing me there.

Fifireee · 17/09/2023 09:03

I love them.
They’re teenagers and wonderful.
But I think I’d have been happier childfree. The relentless worry and stress is horrible. I can’t remember the last time I felt peace.
I’m also guilty I’ve brought them into a world which is ravaged by climate change and will only get worse. I don’t know what I was thinking. Everything I do now is to try and secure some kind of future for them where they are safe.

NowWhattt · 17/09/2023 09:06

YANBU..

We’re approaching the teenage years with an almost 13 year old. Fucking hell. And I thought the baby years were hard .
We also have a feisty and independent little 9 going on 29 year old.
My husband works away a lot abroad with his work and if we had no children, I could fuck off with him. Having the kids means I can’t . Often my mental health is on the floor and being a Mother is very very difficult. I don’t know how I cope at times to be honest.

I also miss spontaneity: sex, going away somewhere on a whim, last minute meals out etc.

Adore the children though. They’re our absolute world.

CrystalVision · 17/09/2023 09:07

One of my guiltiest pleasures is looking at one bed flats on Rightmove 🙈

Covidwoes · 17/09/2023 09:08

All. The. Time. Wouldn't swap DD5 and DD2 for the world, but dear god I miss alone time. I lived alone for five years at one point, and sometimes I wonder why I didn't make the most of it. 😂😂

alifeunexpected · 17/09/2023 09:09

Fifireee · 17/09/2023 09:03

I love them.
They’re teenagers and wonderful.
But I think I’d have been happier childfree. The relentless worry and stress is horrible. I can’t remember the last time I felt peace.
I’m also guilty I’ve brought them into a world which is ravaged by climate change and will only get worse. I don’t know what I was thinking. Everything I do now is to try and secure some kind of future for them where they are safe.

I feel similar! Life is getting harder & I really worry about the future for my DS. As you say, & it's all we can do, is try & secure a future for them, & bring them up to be responsible adults who go into good jobs 🤞🏻

Try not to think/worry too much about it as it's a long time away & they will have to take responsibility for themselves at some point. Hopefully our guidance puts them in a good position.

alifeunexpected · 17/09/2023 09:10

CrystalVision · 17/09/2023 09:07

One of my guiltiest pleasures is looking at one bed flats on Rightmove 🙈

Haha! This is brilliant! Might have to give that a go 😂

Applescruffle · 17/09/2023 09:17

Yes.
I think not just about not having children but single life where I am not married and just have occasional sex with strangers who fuck off home. I've even thought about the house I'd have. A modest little two bed terrace with all my own stuff in it, it would stay tidy and I would only pick up after myself.

This morning I was woken by my five year old sitting on me and shining a torch in my eyes. There's a pile of laundry and housework to do today and I've already broken up two fights.

I do love my life with husband and kids but I think it's natural to imagine if ypur life had gone down a different path. In reality, if I was living in the little house on my own, I would no doubt be imagining a life with a husband and kids.

user14699084658 · 17/09/2023 09:21

Ha, yes often used to daydream this when mine was small, and I don’t have three!
Now teenagers and I daydream about what I’d be spending all the cash on!

Blough · 17/09/2023 09:24

I'm childfree, still in bed. Work part time from home. Today I have to walk my dog in the rain and then I might bring the duvet on to the sofa, do my hobby (craft), eat snacks, listen to an audiobook.