Do you need support after RB allegations?

[Lwrenagain]

Hello pals,

If you're upset/triggered by the RB allegations being everywhere and will be for the foreseeable future, if you need some support, a virtual hug, you want to discuss what's happened to you to people who "get it" or you just want to give a hand hold to those who need it, I thought I'd start a thread. I hope we can support those who need it.

This isn't about RB as a person, there is enough of those threads already.

Lots of numbers here if an emergency -
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/helplines-listening-services/

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

https://www.cps.gov.uk/rasso-guide/what-support-available-help-you-0

https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/crime-info/types-crime/rape-and-sexual-assault/

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/supporting-a-survivor/

https://www.sarsas.org.uk/

https://www.thesurvivorstrust.org/

https://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/rape-and-sexual-assault/

https://247sexualabusesupport.org.uk/

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/recovering-from-rape-and-sexual-trauma.htm

Tips for talking through SA with survivors - https://www.rainn.org/articles/tips-talking-survivors-sexual-assault

They're just a few sites I've googled but they're there if you need them.

I hope everyone is okay and of course I don't mean this specifically for victims of celebrities etc, it's for anyone who needs it. Be it your trauma, or a secondary (such as being support network for a survivors.)

Sending love and support to anyone who needs it.

💐💐💐

Thank you @Lwrenagain
I don’t know enough about the RB case as I have avoided reading about it.
its more that I am already getting very upset hearing some people saying “why didn’t they just report it” like it’s that simple and like they would have been believed and the perpetrator would be prosecuted convicted every time.

Thank you for sharing this

The victim shaming is really hard to witness. Inbox is open for anyone who needs a chat in a space to privacy x

Thank you. I've been through so much in regards to rape and SA but largely I don't think about it, I've pushed into a corner of my brain to get on with my life. Accounts of rape are obviously upsetting but I focus on the victims experience and not mine. This reaction of other people, the victim blaming and the comments about "they're just trying to take him down because he's a truther" have impacted me more than anything else ever has since I was raped. I'm part full of rage and part heartbroken, it feels like NOWHERE is safe for me to ever talk about my experiences, not even here now. A comment on another thread about how grim it is that women don't report just finished me off, I'm in floods of tears and hiding from my DS so he doesn't ask what's wrong. I'm stunned, I genuinely believed things were changing for the better but obviously not and now, because I didn't report I'm part of the problem? Even my FB is a shit show and I'm reevaluating some longstanding friendships over this right now. I'm so sorry to everyone else who is suffering because of the response to the RB allegations.

It's the fact that nothing has changed that I'm finding most difficult, no 'lessons have been learnt' and there's no change in society's attitudes really. We kid ourselves that we're making some kind of progress but we're really not are we, men (as a sex class) are still predatory and victims are still blamed and I'm utterly fucking sick of all of it. Sorry, I realise that's not constructive, I'm just angry and frustrated because there's nowhere for that anger to go.

You don't need to apologise, so many of us feel the same. I think I had convinced myself things had changed too. I don't know with things like trigger warnings, so called safe spaces, everyone flapping on about BeKind, hashtag BelieveHer and MeToo . . . it feels like it all means nothing, it's lip service, it feels like no one actually gives a shit or actively wants to make a change. I'm furious by so many of the comments I've read online the past 24hrs, I was close to smashing plates in my kitchen last night or going for a long walk just so I could find somewhere to scream at the top of my lungs and get it out!

I can imagine some posters will ridicule you but I think it's a good idea to post this thread and the links.

I am saddened by what women have to endure from sexpest men with no respect or class.

It will be horribly triggering for victims who have had to experience the trauma of being violated and abused. Weirdly, people often downplay the actions of abusers, especially if the abuser has some sort of charisma or is popular. Charisma is more often than not associated with narcissists or sociopaths, it's because they put themselves at the forefront and many people like to follow and covet such personalities.

Thank you, it does help in one way that I'm not alone in how I'm feeling. In another way it just makes it worse though, none of us should be feeling like this but I'd rather it was just me than the vast number of women I know it actually will affect in one way or another.

Thank you for this post.

I am so upset at the number of people blaming the victims, surprised at the number of women particularly.

I am currently struggling as the whole thing has really triggered me.

I experienced sexual assault age 14, 15 and incidents during my 20s.

Thinking of others who may be going through the same.

I'm purposely not going back over everything that happened to me. There's so much stuff I know I will view through a different lens if I examine it with adult eyes and I'm not strong enough for that can of worms. With everything that's happened in the intervening years, all the grooming and abuse cases, all the brave, brave women speaking out, all the social media bullshit how the fuck are we no further forward? The disappointment is crushing me today.

Lovely idea, @Lwrenagain , thank you.

I'm ok, but like PPs crushed with disappointment that people can trot out 'trial by media' 'allegedly' 'why didn't she...' etc.

Have they no self awareness at all?

And every day another story of men demonstrating they can assault women.

So many of the comments have been so insensitive and thoughtless. Agree with the poster above, so many saying 'why didn't they just go to the police' like it's so easy or likely to result in anything.

Can I just say, that whilst there is every chance the OP is sincere, I would warn caution about anyone inviting victims of sexual abuse and rape to inbox them privately to discuss their trauma. There are people who would find that a turn on and you don’t know who the OP is. Sorry OP, but it’s important to make people aware.

If you need support, please call an official Rape crisis line.

So many of the comments have been so insensitive and thoughtless. Agree with the poster above, so many saying 'why didn't they just go to the police' like it's so easy or likely to result in anything.

Completely agree.

In my case i DID go to the police, I was just 14 but had the support of my family.

My abuser was found guilty, put on the sex offenders register and certain people still didn't believe me. Everybody at school found out and I soon left through a sense of shame.

The bastard then did it again to someone else.

@WorkingItOutAsIGo very fair comment, I'd hope people would use the links but if they'd rather turn to an Internet stranger, they're always welcome to talk to me. I wouldn't give advice or anything, I'd simply just let them be heard. Agreed though I could absolutely be a predator, but sadly, sometimes a faceless stranger is easier to vent too.

@HappyMode you get ridiculed for anything on the Internet, let them. At the end of the day if one person sees those links and decides one day, not even today, but one day they'll click one and get support then they can ridicule me as much as they want, I'm a big lass, I'll take it.

Ladies I'm so so sorry you've been through these things, there will be tons of things coming out, idiot incel types saying how the victims didn't mind at the time, the internalised misogynistic types who will ask very loudly why didn't they go the police, so on and so forth.

But there will be women who grow stronger from this and we can hope that we will help future generations learn what is and isn't acceptable, for both sexes.

You poor wee thing, thanks for sharing your horrid story.

I hope you're surrounded by love and support from your family still.

And I hope he falls into a giant blender.

At some point, maybe not soon but at some point, people, women and men, will comprehend that reporting SA gets most people absolutely fucking nowhere.
I'm pretty sure it was only the early 90s that marital rape was made illegal. We still have a long way to go and we shouldn't have to, but we will one day get safety.

A school friend of my DS was recently accused of rape from another teen in their "group", she immediately confessed to it being a lie once she'd sobered up and it was a genuine lie because she'd never actually met the lad. However, my DS and his friends, predominantly male, all double/triple checked with her she wasn't covering up for him. She pretty much had to release a formal statement to the whatsapp group their in, explaining she was drunk and didn't know what she was saying.
The lad is lovely too, so it does speak volumes that the boys didn't immediately disbelieve her, which would have been case scenario even 10 years ago.

I have been asked why I've not reported things and I was attacked many many years ago, I knew my attacker and was asked by the police woman, as I nursed my bruised face was I sure I wanted to really say anything because, "It could go to far" so I didn't even make a statement as I felt like I was the bad guy for doing so. That attitude is one of many reasons we don't report things, isn't it?

Thank you for this.

My friend did go to the police. Immediately.

Then waited years for it to come to court.

Then he got off.

Then you find out this isn't his first time.

When I did jury service on a theft case with no evidence that there was actually money missing let alone that the accused did it.

The complainant had dementia and my fellow jurors also had empty pages under the heading "Evidence" in their notes but voted to convict on the basis that the complainant wouldn't have put himself through this if he wasn't sure and the police and CPS wouldn't have progressed the case if there was no evidence.

Then I sat on a rape case with many of the same people and suddenly it was all "Well just because she says that's what happened it doesn't mean it's true" And "you can't give someone a criminal record just because someone accuses them of something" etc.

I despair.

Yeah, just tried to talk to my husband about feeling triggered, to be told this isn’t about me..

I'm so sorry he's so lacking in understanding

@verdantverdure that's shocking. All of it. Despair indeed. My word 💔

@Onlinetherapist I'm really sorry. He's wrong if that helps, it's about women. Those who've survived SA, those who haven't or ever will, this is about all of us.

Tell him to fuck off from me or I'll get the voodoo dolls out and make all his favourite foods taste of bin juice x

@verdantverdure thank you so much xx

@Lwrenagain thank you for replying, that gave me a smile 😊

Someone upthread said “I'm part full of rage and part heartbroken” which really resonated with me.