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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Anyone else find 'just relax' unhelpful advice when TTC

39 replies

TTCalittlebaby · 17/09/2023 05:04

I've been TTC for a few months now and feeling so so depressed every month when I start getting my BFNs at 11, 12 dpo... Does anyone else find that "just relax" is the most unhelpful advice? Thank you, didn't think of that, I was choosing to be stressed! Did anyone conceive whilst not being "relaxed"?

(Written whilst crying at a BFN at 5am...)

OP posts:
ricketybeauty · 17/09/2023 05:20

Sorry things haven’t gone the way you want yet. Honestly though, I’d try and leave that early testing - somehow it just makes it worse to keep seeing negatives!

Anycrispsleft · 17/09/2023 05:31

Oh god it's awful. Especially if they then go on to tell you "stress actually makes it harder to conceive" - thanks, now I'm going to be stressed about how stressed I am...

Having a child is about the biggest life changing decision you ever make. Sure if you'd been going to a big job interview or something and you didn't get the job you would expect to be absolutely gutted so I don't know why people think it's different in TTC. The advice from the PP to stop early testing makes sense but you'd need to be a stronger woman than I am...

Feetupteashot · 17/09/2023 05:33

Sorry op. Just keep going hope all will be fine. Definitely stop early testing makes it all more stressful

BluePinkTrees · 17/09/2023 05:46

”Just relax” means “I don’t care about you”. Of course you get upset by it.

IVF? If you do IVF, it also gives you more idea of what’s failing when. Are you too thin or on a low fat diet? Those can make it harder.

TTCalittlebaby · 17/09/2023 06:10

BluePinkTrees · 17/09/2023 05:46

”Just relax” means “I don’t care about you”. Of course you get upset by it.

IVF? If you do IVF, it also gives you more idea of what’s failing when. Are you too thin or on a low fat diet? Those can make it harder.

Not too thin, not on a low fat diet. Actually 4kg more than what I was when I conceived my DD. Also she was conceived within the first month of trying!

OP posts:
TTCalittlebaby · 17/09/2023 06:10

@ricketybeauty @Feetupteashot every month I tell myself I wont test early. And then I do

OP posts:
Olika · 17/09/2023 06:21

I am just sharing my own journey of trying for 2.5 years before we succeeded... I used to test a lot to know my ovulation. It started to stress me out like crazy so I stopped and instead started listening to my body. I realised I naturally was more in the mood just before my ovulation so I started to use that as an indication. It took some pressure off me and made us enjoy ourselves more. I stopped doing pregnancy tests too as that was stressing me as well. I would wait until my periods would come and then one month finally they hadn't arrived by 5 week mark so I made the test and it was positive. Personally if I was to TTC again I would forget all tests and just listen to my body as that worked better for me.

OrangeSweets · 17/09/2023 07:44

I spent 7 years of TTC with secondary infertility and only had the baby through IVF, luckily, first round.

Stress will not stop you conceiving, it will not have any consequences on your fertility.

I expect what people mean when they say this, is for you to stop hyper focusing on the all consuming nature of TTC.
I really dislike the dismissive nature of this. Whilst the hyper focus for me had lots of lows, it gave me a small sense of control over a period of time that was very much out of my control.

Having milestones, like ovulation tests, TTCing, pregnancy tests, periods etc. Helped get me through the months rather than leaving me to wallow.

I stressed even more during IVF, even tested early and wonderfully, it worked first time.

It turned out that with our problem, TTC naturally was almost pointless.

Wotwotwotwotwot · 17/09/2023 07:52

Just relax is said by people who have never struggled conceiving.
It's facile bollocks. I struggled to conceive my two and if I had just relaxed, they wouldn't be here now. But a few months without success is very normal and doesn't mean that anything's wrong, you'll hopefully get there very soon 🙂 Good luck!

user20793 · 17/09/2023 08:03

It’s something ignorant people say. ‘Relaxing’ makes not one iota of difference, it certainly wouldn’t have magically improved my husband’s sperm morphology. I eventually got pregnant after 7 rounds of IVF with ICSI. I was very stressed during that seventh IVF cycle.

I think when people offer unsolicited advice on ttc it is well intentioned - but those who haven’t gone through the stress end up saying stupid stuff. Unfortunately those who have been lucky enough to conceive easily often think they are an authority on the matter. Conversely, after four years of ttc I wasn’t pregnant, but I knew an awful lot about the whole pathology and physiology surrounding it!

EightChalk · 17/09/2023 08:05

People conceive in war zones, during famines, and any number of horrendous situations. "Just relax" in pretty much any context is dismissive, seeing as worrying is not usually optional.

Curiosity101 · 17/09/2023 08:23

As a PP said, stress won't stop you conceiving.

And knowing exactly when you're ovulating/likely to ovulate will help you conceive.

So in terms of TTC "Just relax" is the most ridiculous advice.

There is a problem with the mental health aspect of putting all the effort in and then not getting the results though. It can and has caused the breakdown of people and relationships, for those people they really should have changed their approach as they lost sight of the bigger picture.

The mental health impact is probably greater of you tracked ovulation through all the methods, make all the lifestyle changes and have sex at all the right times and you still don't succeed. Cause you don't just get a BFN, you also get the disappointment of failing at all the things you did to fix the problem. The answer isn't to tell people to "Just relax" though. It needs to be more specific than that.

What if "just relax" means go with the flow and then you're always having sex significantly before, immediately after ovulation? You literally only have around 5 days per cycle where you can realistically aim to get pregnant. Of those only 3 days give a reasonable chance and the day before ovulation is actually the best day. Having said that, having sex every other day unless on your period gives almost the same chance of getting pregnant as tracking all the things (but that's not feasible for everyone and when there are additional fertility issues to consider then it muddies the water).

Wowokthanks · 17/09/2023 08:53

I conceived when I stopped wanting it. I'd been trying for #2 for 12 years, by the teachers the GPS would test me for pcos I was about 4 years into the struggle, and they refused to help because of my weight. I had WLS, was told I'd lose weight quickly- I didn't. Was told I'd fall pregnant- I didn't.
I went to the gp, and said when can I have help with my pcos? I've tried so hard, please help.
They took one look at my abdomen and told me there was extensive scarring that must have been down to endometriosis... The Dr looked at me sympathetically and said, I can refer you but its unlikely to be helpful, if you have children, I would suggest you go home and enjoy them.

I was crushed but went home and said, that dreams gone.

Infact I believed so much that I couldn't fall pregnant I didn't do a pregnancy test before I had an operation a few months later. It just wasn't a possibility.

I found out I was pregnant 2 days later.

So yes for me, giving up thinking about getting pregnant worked.

But I would recommend hounding the GP for help, and going private if need be to get fertility treatment thats needed. I regret thinking If I was patient I would get help to have a baby.

Kitkatcatflap · 17/09/2023 09:15

When we started IVF, I chose carefully to tell only two people. One was my best friend, who has never been in a relationship nor tried to conceive, the other a brilliant single mum who conceived by accident. Both told me 'to just relax' and best friend said I was thinking about it too hard - whatever that means.

I don't for one second think it means 'I don't care'. I think it's just one of those stock phrases people say - like the response to how are you? Fine. Both women were a great source of support and encouragement. 'Just relax' was mildly irritating but not offensive.

DuchyCazalet · 17/09/2023 09:50

Hate it. It implies that it's your own fault for not getting pregnant - you're stressing about it so that's why it's not happening. I had a friend who used to say it - just feels so dismissive and ignoring the fact that many people need intervention to get pregnant.
Good luck with your journey

Whataretheodds · 17/09/2023 09:54

"Just relax" is deeply unhelpful. But making sure that you are both taking active steps to distress regularly is important for feeling able to DTD (!and to orgasm), and to keep your sanity!

Have you looked at what you're both eating/drinking etc?

TheBirdintheCave · 17/09/2023 10:04

DuchyCazalet · 17/09/2023 09:50

Hate it. It implies that it's your own fault for not getting pregnant - you're stressing about it so that's why it's not happening. I had a friend who used to say it - just feels so dismissive and ignoring the fact that many people need intervention to get pregnant.
Good luck with your journey

Yes this is what annoys me the most about it. It puts all the blame on the person struggling.

BertieBotts · 17/09/2023 10:19

I agree it's silly, unhelpful advice - and likely to be counterproductive because then you're just feeling guilty that you're feeling stressed which is more stress FFS!

Stress is unlikely to have a significant effect on biology. We know it affects it a bit but it's not likely to make huge difference either way. It certainly isn't going to cause a fertility issue where there isn't one, and relaxing isn't going to fix a biological issue.

But, I do think that TTC can be a very stressful experience if you're expecting it to happen straight away, seeing every negative test as some kind of sign of failure, testing so early that you're likely to see negatives (especially if that's compounded by the above). What can help is reframing experiences - expect it to take up to about 8 months for a start, and try (I know!!) not to test too early, although some people do get positives at 11dpo, it's quite unlikely. 13dpo is really the earliest that you should be testing, but a negative is more likely (4x more likely!) than a positive every month even if you're doing everything right! So having that realistic expectation can really help.

Something that I found helpful was saying that I wouldn't test early unless I had an actual reason to, so if I wanted to drink I'd test, if I thought there were multiple symptoms I'd test, I tested early once because my mum was visiting and I wanted to tell her in person if it was positive. But other than this I tried not to.

It can also help to have little treats lined up for every month that you're not pregnant, that you'd have to cancel if you were pregnant, like something involving alcohol, fairground, hot tub, forbidden pregnancy foods, whatever. That way you have something good happening either way and it's not just crushing disappointment every time.

FiddleLeaf · 17/09/2023 10:20

Hah same… it’s always people who are already parents and then you spend time trying to convince them & yourself that you’re not stressed.

Such a stupid thing to say.

MillenialAvocado · 17/09/2023 10:21

Very unhelpful, especially since the reason we couldn't conceive naturally was because DH had a 0% sperm count. Even after we found that out, I still had people giving advice. It's like, what part of 0% sperm count do you not understand? 🙄 All the best with your TTC journey OP - it took us years and I remember how hard it was.

AffableApple · 17/09/2023 10:21

I too was wound up by this bollocks. But to the outside eye all the testing etc if you've never had to do it, seems crazy. People are dickheads when you sound enthused/het up up about something they've not experienced. Most of the time I think it's just something reassuring to say, though hugely inappropriate. It's meant well. I learned not to say anything in the end. Ironically that did make things a bit more relaxing 🙃 Of course you can't "relax". Carry on actually living alongside your testing, and keep up the good work. All the luck and best wishes in the world for you Xxx

Amotherlife · 17/09/2023 10:24

It's a long time ago that I was trying to conceive but yes, being told to 'relax' just makes it worse as you just can't when something means so much to you.

A friend of mine was into alternative medicine then and tried to suggest things I could try to help conception. I had to completely ignore those suggestions as, despite not actually believing they would have any benefit, it just stressed me out even more to consider I might not be doing all I could.

Matildahoney · 17/09/2023 10:33

It is, and I totally get it, we were tracking ovulation & temps for over a year, smep-ing & nothing. We were crazy busy one month, between houses, not tracking anything, and I'm now 24 weeks pregnant! I also had a negative that month at 14dpo, didn't get my bfp until 4 days after af was due! So I guess it is true, but when it's all you want you can't relax about it! Lots of people say go on holiday when you're trying!

MsFrost · 17/09/2023 10:35

I think 'just relax' is a pretty rubbish thing to say to anyone who is stressed in any circumstance really. Almost as bad as 'calm down'.

MsFrost · 17/09/2023 10:39

MillenialAvocado · 17/09/2023 10:21

Very unhelpful, especially since the reason we couldn't conceive naturally was because DH had a 0% sperm count. Even after we found that out, I still had people giving advice. It's like, what part of 0% sperm count do you not understand? 🙄 All the best with your TTC journey OP - it took us years and I remember how hard it was.

Similar situation here. Also, so many people have told me stories about miracle births where people suddenly conceived naturally despite having had IVF etc and it's like... yep that's great for them isn't it, but it's not helpful for me 🙄

People really struggle with the idea that it's not going to work and seem to think you're being pessimistic when actually it's just science.

Frustrating.