Anyone else find 'just relax' unhelpful advice when TTC

[TTCalittlebaby]

I've been TTC for a few months now and feeling so so depressed every month when I start getting my BFNs at 11, 12 dpo... Does anyone else find that "just relax" is the most unhelpful advice? Thank you, didn't think of that, I was choosing to be stressed! Did anyone conceive whilst not being "relaxed"?

(Written whilst crying at a BFN at 5am...)

It's also the one thing guaranteed to make me not relax. It's the same when I go for a flu jab.

@Matildahoney It's not true though 🤷🏻‍♀️ Surely it was just chance it happened that month for you as you'd been trying for a while and odds are most couples will get pregnant by two years of trying.

had this back in late 70s and early 80s have to say the thing that worked and I guess made me relax was my best friend asked me to be godmother to her new baby. There is 9 months between our two boys (men now) good luck

@TheBirdintheCave it was the only thing we did differently! We were waiting on a hycosy because I hadn't fallen pregnant & the consultant had no idea why from our results. It works for lots of people! But as I said I appreciate it's not easy to do.

Just relax and all the other unhelpful stuff is often said because people don't know what to say.

So sorry to hear you got the BFN this month it's so hard and such a roller coaster of emotions. After a couple of years ttc we got lucky and I know I wasn't relaxed, I was still doing crazy stuff like eating pineapple cause I heard it helped ovulation and that egg white mucus stuff LOL also doing ovulation tests to know when to get into action with DH.

Hope you gey your positive soon!

As someone who never got a BFP yes it is stupid and dismissive advice.

@Matildahoney it doesn't matter that it's the only thing you did differently. We have next to no influence over the vast majority of the fertility cycle. Relaxing makes no statistically significant difference to whether you will get a BFP or not.

Things that need to happen for a successful pregnancy:
Healthy egg is released and guided into the fallopian tube (hormone driven, but requires luck)
Egg is fertilised by 1 healthy sperm within the right time frame (mostly luck / timing)
The egg then develops correctly as it travels down (largely genetic)
The fertilised egg implants successfully in the correct place (again, mostly genetic and luck)
The fertilised egg continues to develop successfully (genetics/luck. Most early miscarriages are expected to be due to genetics and the embryo simply not being viable)

In practically every case where people 'relaxed' and then conceived it's correlation not causation.

You mentioned intra uterine scar tissue? Perhaps there is very little surface area that is suitable for implantation 🤷. Perhaps you'd conceived many times but the embryo had never luckily hit the right part of your lining at the right time to be able to implant. But then this time luck was on your side.

So many things have to go right to result in a pregnancy. If that wasn't true then IVF would have spectacular success rates. As it stands the only bit we have any proper control over tends to be ensuring sperm meets egg at the right time. Maybe some lifestyle changes that help regulate hormone/menstrual cycle. But there's so so much more that has to go right to result in successful conception/pregnancy.

And apologies for picking on you, it's not actually aimed at you really. Just playing devil's advocate.

I would definitely never say it as I remember now awful it was to feel like it would never happen. I did stop testing especially early it didn’t help and made me feel so much worse. I still had hope every cycle but was easier to wait for my period to turn up than torture myself with tests in the end. I did also fall pregnant the month we had private fertility testing almost 21 months after we started trying and I do wonder if not really trying or worrying about it that cycle helped or the knowledge that there was other things we would look at/do to get us there. So I do sometimes get where it may come from. Hope it works out for you soon.

@Matildahoney Yep it is hard to do. I couldn't relax at all but I still got pregnant eventually because, whilst relaxing has no effect on sperm motility, taking vitamins can help.

@Matildahoney we had a very similar situation. We had been trying for two years at this point and had also experienced the just relax comments. The month we were moving house I actually thought just have a month off it's too much. Well that was the month we conceived. I do think as much I hate to say it because you often can't just relax but it may have helped. My cycles are definitely effected by stress and that month I tested positive on day 28. For the previous 2 years my cycles ranged between 35 to 40 days so I must have had a shorter cycle the month I conceived.

"Just relax"
"Your time will come"
"Juat stop thinking about it"
Things said by people pushing out toxic positivity and are unable to empathise.

I really hated when anyone said that to me, it used to set me on edge like how the hell can I relax when all I see are pregnant people and I'm left wondering why me. But I will say that I was 22 months trying for my son and finally admitted something was wrong and went to the doctor to be referred and got pregnant that month. This time I was trying for 23m, failed ivf, multiple failed ovulation inductions. But in late June I decided I'm stopping trying for a while I'm going to focus on me, I looked up the best vitamins to deal with my thyroid and pcos, i lost weight (as no hormone injections) I gave up gluten and I walked. I did not do ovulation testing I only bd twice the whole month and I'm 9 weeks now. But that being said I had to get there on my own had someone said to me relax and do this a year ago I'd gave lost it with them. I now get the just relax and enjoy it pregnancy comments off those two people I've told which also drives me mad.

I ttc my second for 2yrs in hindsight, i was flipping mental by the end. EVERYONE said relax and honestly, i could have smashed them all in the face!

I stopped ttc as i couldn't take it anymore, and then i found out my dirty dog stbxh was having a long-term affair, so that put an end to that. I grieved the child I'd never have, made peace with that.
I met someone else and 12 months later with one "try" i got pregnant. Currently 34 weeks. Xx

My advice would be, dont let it consume you.
track your periods so you know when your due on but dont ovualtion test. Ttc absolutely stipped me bare. I won't say relax because it will be on your mind but just try and keep an open mind and have a drink, keep the sex fun and think what will be will be!

My friend also stoped " trying" then got pregnant so i do think there is a little something in it.

The point around mental health i strongly agree with.

I say this as someone who has been there... crying on the floor with a bin full of ovulation strips crying that I had "no eggs!" 🙄 I insisted on fertility testing at month 5 as I was so worked up. We never got the sperm analysis back and I didn't get to do the second blood test... as I was pregnant!
I then had an early scan as I was convinced I had a blighted ovvum 🙄🙄🙄 what?why?
the sonographer nicely told me to unclench and calm down. I Didn't at all. In fact it ramped up and I was anxious the entire pregnancy I only realised how badly now I am pregnant with no 2.

Some times science CAN be counterproductive and in the case of ovulation strips and early pregnancy tests I firmly believe this is the case for 99% women.

You say it's been "a few months" that doesn't at this point indicate actual fertility issues.

I think you should try and find techniques to calm down and stay calm... for you. Crying all Sunday night is no good for anyone.

I really recommend buying the super cheap pregnancy strips and not testing early. Also once you have establish you actually ovulate bin the strips.
It's feels good to test in the short term but long term is not great.