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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH ill when having to look after the kids

51 replies

Dguu6u · 16/09/2023 17:39

My DH and I have a system in place where we will take some time off together during the school holidays to do stuff as a family, but split the remaining days between us to look after the kids. So we take turns having them for a full day, entertain them, do the cleaning and cooking, while the other one works.

But it seems like almost every time it's his turn, he mysteriously comes down with a migraine, or suddenly feels run down or tired. I've kept track, and I'm convinced that at least 80% of the days he was supposed to look after them in the last year, he's pulled the "I'm not feeling well" card.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a sympathetic partner, and if he were genuinely ill, I'd be right there to look after him and the kids. But it's never a full-blown sickness that makes him bedridden, more that he feels like he can't take care of the kids and the house all day.

So, instead of my dream scenario where he takes the kids on a fun-filled day out and handles the chores, and I don't have to worry about anything but my work, we end up with bored kids roaming the house while he naps, and while I'm trying to do my work (I work from home). If I'm lucky he might take them out for a quick trip to the shops. Plus, I still end up doing the chores that day.

It's starting to feel like a bit of a pattern. Am I being unfair to suspect that maybe, just maybe, he's using these mild "illnesses" to get out of his duties?

I mean, am I unreasonable to feel frustrated by this? Is it just a string of bad luck, or is there something fishy going on? I'd love to hear your thoughts and maybe even some advice on how to approach this without causing a full-blown family feud.

OP posts:
Neuilly · 16/09/2023 17:41

I think you might have to start going into the office on his days if you can.

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 16/09/2023 17:54

Could it be anxiety at the thought of being left with the kids, my DS's anxiety presents as illness, sore heads, stomach, fatigue etc. Albeit my DS is 13... either that or he's at it and can't be arsed doing anything with the kids.

EverybodyLTB · 16/09/2023 17:57

My EXH used to do this. Mysterious undefined illnesses with no symptoms whenever I needed him for anything. Narcissistic pig in general. Is yours problematic in any others subtle (or not) ways?

cheddercherry · 16/09/2023 17:58

If you had a headache on “your” day, what would his reaction be?

Because if he didn’t jump in to help like you do for him then yeah, I’d be pretty annoyed too!

If there is an underlying issue like he’s actually anxious etc about having kids on his own and not wanting to tell you, the only way to know that you’d have to outright ask him really and mention that you’ve clocked that he dips out of 80% of his days. I guess he could then get defensive but either way it’s not really fair to have a partner not share the load. Either there’s a valid reason he needs to work on/ support with, and you need to get that out in the open to resolve it, or there’s not valid reason and you’re just expected to run round like a madwoman doing it all.

coodawoodashooda · 16/09/2023 18:01

Selfish pig

YukoandHiro · 16/09/2023 18:01

He's trying to stop you formalising this.

Don't wfh on those days. Say you've got a meeting or whatever and go and work in a cafe. If he's feeling under the weather but is at home the kids are safe. You just say "sorry, that's rubbish but I really have to do this today, they will be fine with some tv etc".

Keep doing this and eventually he'll get bored of his own schtick.

I do agree with other about the confidence thing too. My DH was a bit like this with my eldest but then the pandemic happened and he just had to get on with at as we juggled work and it got much better after that, I think as he was doing it daily

Woush · 16/09/2023 18:02

What is your husband like when you are ill @Dguu6u? Have you married someone who is intrinsically uncaring and not thoughtful?

gamerchick · 16/09/2023 18:04

When the next time rolls around. Say to him 'your turn to keep the kids occupied and happy, I wonder what kind of lurgy you'll come down with to get out of it'.

I agree, go work somewhere else.

CherryMaDeara · 16/09/2023 18:04

Yep either go to the office on his days or start doing this back to him. Be ill on your days.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 16/09/2023 18:05

Go and work elsewhere and leave him to it.

I'd just say "Oh, what a shame, have you taken some painkillers?" and ignore the rest of his whinging.

Clymene · 16/09/2023 18:06

Go into the office / have client meetings /leave the house when he's in charge.

He thinks childcare is your job.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 16/09/2023 18:06

Now you mention it, my DH does this too. Last time he did it, I called him out on it. He ended up at the doctors and it only turned out he had bloody pneumonia that time.

AllotmentTime · 16/09/2023 18:11

If he's normally decent and pulls his weight then sit down at a good quiet time and ask him if he feels anxious or something about looking after the children, you've noticed he seems reluctant and can he tell you what's behind that. And try and help like you would any other problem your DH was having.

If this is dickishness in a long pattern of dickishness, then next time anticipate it and tell him "and no mystery illnesses like so often seem to happen, it's your turn so suck it up"!!

Original poster
Dguu6u · 16/09/2023 18:11

YukoandHiro · 16/09/2023 18:01

He's trying to stop you formalising this.

Don't wfh on those days. Say you've got a meeting or whatever and go and work in a cafe. If he's feeling under the weather but is at home the kids are safe. You just say "sorry, that's rubbish but I really have to do this today, they will be fine with some tv etc".

Keep doing this and eventually he'll get bored of his own schtick.

I do agree with other about the confidence thing too. My DH was a bit like this with my eldest but then the pandemic happened and he just had to get on with at as we juggled work and it got much better after that, I think as he was doing it daily

This is a good idea, thank you!

OP posts:
GreyDuck · 16/09/2023 18:11

You need to think about what else is going on with him.
Stress or anxiety can present as physical symptoms. So it could be anxiety about being with the kids all day.
Or, sometimes relief from stress triggers migraines. My friend with an awful home situation used to get severe migraine every Monday.
My husband's migraines are triggered by changing his sleep pattern, so he can't lie in.
If you can, try asking him if he thinks there is a pattern, and what he thinks the triggers might be.

Original poster
Dguu6u · 16/09/2023 18:12

Woush · 16/09/2023 18:02

What is your husband like when you are ill @Dguu6u? Have you married someone who is intrinsically uncaring and not thoughtful?

He will take over when I'm ill, but I have to be absolutely too ill to move. I would just feel too guilty if I'm not, because he gets so stressed out having to do everything himself when I'm ill.

OP posts:
Screamingabdabz · 16/09/2023 18:13

Dguu6u · 16/09/2023 18:12

He will take over when I'm ill, but I have to be absolutely too ill to move. I would just feel too guilty if I'm not, because he gets so stressed out having to do everything himself when I'm ill.

Show quote history

God these poor men getting ‘stressed out’ having to do ‘everything’… 🙄 x

vodkaredbullgirl · 16/09/2023 18:13

Similar post a while ago.

Just leave him with the kids and go to work.

StorminanDcup · 16/09/2023 18:18

It does sound like he’s trying it on.

If he’s not bed ridden and it’s just a headache then he shouldn’t be palming off onto you when you’re trying to work.

Id do as others have suggested, let him know in advance as well.

“DH on your day next week I am in an all day meeting on site so won’t be home, just for info”

Then unless he is literally bed ridden or on the toilet with the shits, just leave him to it.

It’s what many parents have to do! Single parents have no choice but to look after their kids when they are unwell as do parents whose partners have jobs where they can’t take flexible leave unless a literal emergency.

Making me laugh how people are saying their partners get headaches from anxiety over the kids. Aye so do I. But I have no choice! You lot are being taken for a ride 😀

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 16/09/2023 18:20

You need to go into the office on those days, every time, regardless of how he is 'feeling'

Sunshineclouds11 · 16/09/2023 18:22

Totally agree going elsewhere on your work days!

Original poster
Dguu6u · 16/09/2023 18:24

The problem is I don't have an office! No where else to work, and I often have calls that I can't hold in a public place (nothing weird, just sensitive information!)

He also will take days off here and there when the kids are at school, but I can't do the same or else we'll not have enough left to cover school holidays.

OP posts:
andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 16/09/2023 18:30

Dguu6u · 16/09/2023 18:24

The problem is I don't have an office! No where else to work, and I often have calls that I can't hold in a public place (nothing weird, just sensitive information!)

He also will take days off here and there when the kids are at school, but I can't do the same or else we'll not have enough left to cover school holidays.

What happens if you just lock yourself in your office/work area and ignore them all?

AnneElliott · 16/09/2023 18:32

Go into the office on his days with them. Otherwise it's too tempting to rope you into doing the work.

muchalover · 16/09/2023 18:35

You could look into renting a desk in a shared office space. It will have wifi etc.

Just the next few times. Or schedule meetings for other days.