DH ill when having to look after the kids

[Dguu6u]

My DH and I have a system in place where we will take some time off together during the school holidays to do stuff as a family, but split the remaining days between us to look after the kids. So we take turns having them for a full day, entertain them, do the cleaning and cooking, while the other one works.

But it seems like almost every time it's his turn, he mysteriously comes down with a migraine, or suddenly feels run down or tired. I've kept track, and I'm convinced that at least 80% of the days he was supposed to look after them in the last year, he's pulled the "I'm not feeling well" card.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a sympathetic partner, and if he were genuinely ill, I'd be right there to look after him and the kids. But it's never a full-blown sickness that makes him bedridden, more that he feels like he can't take care of the kids and the house all day.

So, instead of my dream scenario where he takes the kids on a fun-filled day out and handles the chores, and I don't have to worry about anything but my work, we end up with bored kids roaming the house while he naps, and while I'm trying to do my work (I work from home). If I'm lucky he might take them out for a quick trip to the shops. Plus, I still end up doing the chores that day.

It's starting to feel like a bit of a pattern. Am I being unfair to suspect that maybe, just maybe, he's using these mild "illnesses" to get out of his duties?

I mean, am I unreasonable to feel frustrated by this? Is it just a string of bad luck, or is there something fishy going on? I'd love to hear your thoughts and maybe even some advice on how to approach this without causing a full-blown family feud.

Just seen you can't go to a cafe and don't have an office. Do you have a friends with Wi-Fi that will let you camp out there? I certainly couldn't work at home when DS was small as he'd constantly ask for me.

That’s a nonsense, they’re his kids and he just needs to get on with it like most parents do. I have little sympathy, if I’m ill I can’t just stop being a parent - I need to muddle through. I don’t understand though why you feel guilty if he’s having to do everything, that’s the deal he agreed to but you end up covering your days with the kids and covering his too.

I’d be telling him I’m in back to back meetings so he needs to get on with it, shut yourself in the office or wherever you work and tune out his inevitable moans and groans. No wonder women take such a career hit when their men pull that nonsense.

Could you have a fake meeting or training day somewhere that would take you out of the house all day, and secretly book yourself some office space/go to a friend's to work?

Do these illnesses strike at other times and prevent him from going out with friends, to the football, etc?

Thanks for all the good advice! I will find somewhere else to work next time he has the kids for the day and just go, even when he's complaining. And not feel guilty about it!

My ex often has an "illness" when he has the kids. As he's an ex I just ignore. Its boring for the kids but I'm not going to facilitate him being a useless parent.

do that OP! I bet he doesn’t take to his fainting couch with stress & sniffles when work give him a lot to do. Oddly I bet it’s only when it’s his turn to mind your DC

Infuriating.

Have you tried raising it with him? 'DH, I've noticed you tend to feel unwell on your days with the children, are you aware of that connection?'

That you can't slow down when you're a bit ill (as opposed to very ill) is a you problem. You need firmer boundaries on the worth of rest when you need it.

As you say, he will take over when you're ill. You just be a martyr about it because of your own feelings of guilt.

That he has firmer boundaries to rest when needed isn't an issue. Its good self care. You have every right and reason to do the same. You say he's basically a good person who is kind and thoughtful so would step up to carry more than his 50% share of the load, if you're ill.

All this sounds like resentment building in you because you want to be able to do the same. That's a you problem.

God, this is pitiful.

My XH was the laziest cunt ever but even he was able to cope with looking after his own kids without getting a headache over it.

If he's anxious about looking after the kids, he needs to get some practice in so he'll be less anxious in the future.

Also, start actually keeping a record. Document what percentage of your days he's doing this for.

Get in your car, this is your office. Just go for a drive and do your calls wherever.

I think I'd sit him down and say something like 'summer holidays have just finished and they were a lot. I noticed you were unwell a lot, but nothing specific. I'm worried about you, and also it's had an impact on me with the childcare around work/having to do chores etc. Can we have a chat about how you're doing in general, if you need to see a Dr, and what we can do to make sure the load is evenly shared if regular unwell is part of what's going on for you?' I find being direct helps a lot, and this doesn't accuse him of lying/malingering but makes it clear there's a responsibility on him to manage his health and his responsibility to the kids?

Brene Brown gave a great answer on relationships never being 50-50 (it'll be on youtube)

In her view, relationships aren't about equal contributions on a scale, but rather involve each person giving their best effort, which may fluctuate and vary over time.

So if sometimes you can only give 30% and tell husband that, in a good relationship he'll have the 70%. At other times he might only have 20%, you care for him by taking the 80%. And so on.

There will equally be times where he might say "I've only got 15%" and you may reply with "I'm so tired, I only have 30%" - like maybe now for you @Dguu6u. When you can't make the 100% between you, that's when you sit down and talk, compromise and agree what can be lowered in priority so you can both cope.

He also will take days off here and there when the kids are at school, but I can't do the same or else we'll not have enough left to cover school holidays.

This is important.
He is fundamentally selfish and irresponsible, and see the DC as 'your job' and 'your problem'.
You need to have a conversation about allocating annual leave and school holiday cover in the first week of January, not forgetting inset days and keeping a couple of days 'spare' each of you for covering DC sickness. The spare days can be used up around Xmas if not otherwise needed.

Have a conversation now about remaining annual leave for you both for this year.
If he breaks the agreement, LTB.

Next timenhe tries this stunt, I recommend you lose your shit.

Peel rushers off him. Shame him. Tell him he needs to get his sorry arse in gear because you are sick to the back teeth of his nonsense. Produce the record you've kept of his 'illnesses'. Ask him kf he thinks you're stupid.

Refuse to accept this lazy, immature behaviour.

Book him a GP appointment and tell him how concerned you about him because of all the frequent illnesses.

Tell him you'll swap days but he will need to pick up tomorrow, next week etc.

As for the leave days at the beginning of the year work out how many holiday days they'll have, how many you'll do as a family and therefore how many are left. Split those in 2 and tell him he has x number of days. Ask him which he wants so you can book yours. Keep a tally of those he actually does - don't knock off any days you end up coving for him - they come off your tally. He'll soon realise you've stopped covering for him and maybe he'll pull his socks up because he's been exposed... or you'll see exactly how selfish he his and rake other wction...

Anxiety to look after your own kids? My arse.

More like shirking his parental responsibilities.

OP, I would question his motives,he can’t have it both ways and you physically can’t be in 2 places at the same time.How would he manage if you were hospitalised for a few days? He would have to manage.

Looking after kids especially younger ones is relentless,sometimes boring and challenging. Tough titties,we can’t opt out of parenting just because we don’t feel like it sometimes.

Weather’s still good,he can take them to the park to run off some steam then crack on with some household tasks.

Paracetamol is good for headaches. Tried and tested 😉

Agreed. Anxious my arse.

You need to keep a daily diary with the days in which he looks after the children highlighted and how his health was.

It will be obvious from that at the end of the holidays that his mysterious illnesses are only appearing on childcare days.

Share it with him and ask him to comment as to why he thinks that might be.

I would also take yourself out for the day at weekends too. If he's not confident handling the kids on his own, he clearly needs a lot more practice! It's also only fair if he takes random days of annual leave off, you need some days off too to balance it out.

If it is anxiety I'm afraid I'd be very much in the 'get the fuck over it and sort yourself out' camp. JFC

I'd point out what you've noticed so he knows he's rumbled.

He's being totally unfair and not pulling his weight.

Or a cafe with wifi.

Eurgh my friends DH is like this. Every school holiday you can guarantee he'll come down with a mysterious bug that will leave him bedridden for a week!