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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU

35 replies

Helpamumout1 · 16/09/2023 00:47

My 10 year old whos never had a proper birthday party before asked for one for her 10th birthday. She invited 30 children from school / dance/neighbours.
She invited the all the girls from her class minus 2 who she doesn’t get on with ( one who has bullied her all through primary - sprained her arm purposely, stamped on her head, calls her fat)
Tonight was the party some girls popped a snapchat story on their phones( not my daughter and not a pic of my daughter as i have seen the story ).
i then received this message from the bullies Mum
Other Mum : Hi, if you wouldn’t mind please can you ask the girls not to voice message …..telling her to “get over it” for not being invited to …. party. She was quite upset about not coming anyway but understands that’s it’s ….choice who she invites but getting messages like that isn’t very nice and she’s now devastated x

Me: Really sorry , you know what they r like with there phones they are going in 10 mins . I then suggested to the girls they put there phone down and did some dancing

Other Mum : Yeah but it’s really unkind. I know it’s not your fault at all but someone needs to tell them that’s not ok x

Me : I do agree but you will have to speak with their parents directly

Other Mum : Agree. But I just wanted you to ask them to stop because it’s really not a kind thing to do. Anyway I’ll leave you to the party.

What would you all have done in my situation, there were 30 girls in total and I didn’t feel i should tell children off that aren’t mine.
was i in the wrong for telling the parent speak to their parent/guardians direct and not getting involved. Personally if this was the other way round i would have just taken the phone off my child and turned it off until tomo

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 16/09/2023 00:49

I wouldn't have responded to her at all.

WhateverMate · 16/09/2023 00:50

If that happened while they were in my house, you'd better believe I'd be telling them off and asking them to put their phones where I could see them.

Then I'd have a word with their parents at pick up.

IHateLegDay · 16/09/2023 00:50

To other mum,
You know what's not a kind thing to do? stamping on someone's head! So maybe sort your daughter's unkind behaviour out before judging someone else's.

WhateverMate · 16/09/2023 00:51

IHateLegDay · 16/09/2023 00:50

To other mum,
You know what's not a kind thing to do? stamping on someone's head! So maybe sort your daughter's unkind behaviour out before judging someone else's.

The OP hasn't said the other mum hasn't done that though?

Original poster
Helpamumout1 · 16/09/2023 00:52

unti after they went i was unaware who it was until i viewed all the storys on my childs phone i did ask them as a group of 30 to put the phones down and do dancing

OP posts:
WhateverMate · 16/09/2023 00:56

Whoever it was, was obviously doing their own share of bullying by leaving voice messages and rubbing it in about not being invited, and that wouldn't be ok in my house if I were responsible for them.

I get why the child wasn't invited, no way would I have invited them either but that's not the point here.

jolaylasofia · 16/09/2023 00:56

why on earth are 10 year olds at parties with smart phones and why do they have snapchat??

AprQ · 16/09/2023 00:57

Why would the other mum need to speak with the other parents directly though? I don’t understand that.

It’s not hard to say, ‘okay girls, let’s start getting ready for dinner/bed/a film and stop messaging X because she isn’t here.’ You don’t need to stand in their faces wagging your finger in front of 30 children that aren’t yours.

I can see why the other mum would send a message to you directly because you’re the adult hosting the birthday party….

AprQ · 16/09/2023 00:58

Whoops I can see it was a party and not a sleepover, my bad! Same thing still applies though. You could have just said a passing comment so the children were no longer messaging the girl who wasn’t there (valid reasons not to invite her ofc)

Original poster
Helpamumout1 · 16/09/2023 01:04

i just thought as it was their children been unkind they might want to know so they can discuss it with them .
i did tell everyone to put the phone down and dance ( disco party) but if it happens again i will take your advice on board( hopefully it won’t as my child doesn’t want another big party until she is 13 and friendships will have changed by then), I probably have a lack of sympathy to ‘other mum’ due to the injuries her daughter caused to my child( school did sort this)

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 16/09/2023 01:07

I wouldn't have responded during my child's party or texted a parent during their child's party. I think she was being passive aggressive. Afterwards I may have messaged to suggest contacting their parents.

Original poster
Helpamumout1 · 16/09/2023 01:07

She is still just as bad now , school usually sort , her mum not bothered and rarely tells her off from what i have been told

OP posts:
AprQ · 16/09/2023 01:07

Of course, that’s completely understandable. I don’t think you need to have any sympathy towards the other mum and her daughter.

Imo, it’s more the fact that the children are in your house and under your care. I’m sure you wouldn’t have been happy to hear that a couple/few/group of children were sending slightly mean messages to another kid whilst under your roof

Mamasperspective · 16/09/2023 04:08

"Sorry other mum, she would have of course been invited, had the incident with my daughter not occurred previously. I have mentioned to the girls to put their phones away and enjoy the party but I have no further control with that situation I'm afraid so if it continues, you would need to speak to the individual's parents. I do sympathise though because it's not nice knowing your child is being picked on by others"

Humidititties · 16/09/2023 04:34

Smart phones and Snapchat at 10 years old, what a sad world we live in

autienotnaughty · 16/09/2023 06:21

I think you managed it well. I would leave it now, it's up to the other mum if she wants to pursue it. Just remind your child to be kind.

Seashor · 16/09/2023 06:44

they shouldn’t have been allowed phones at the party full stop, they’re 10 for goodness sake. They were in your care and you allowed cyber bullying, you are being VERY unreasonable and irresponsible.

Mumof2teens79 · 16/09/2023 06:45

I wouldn't have let her deliberately leave out just two girls "she doesn't really get along with"
Have you dealt with the bullying issue? Is her mum aware? There are two sides to every story and it seems like the other girls including your daughter maybe the ones singling her out??

I certainly wouldn't let them send voice notes like that. And would have offered to speak to their parents at pick up.

EarringsandLipstick · 16/09/2023 06:47

jolaylasofia · 16/09/2023 00:56

why on earth are 10 year olds at parties with smart phones and why do they have snapchat??

This.

I cannot believe 10 year olds have phones. And that you allowed them use them at a party. The behaviour is shocking & your answer is 'you know what they're like' 😳

fairyfluf · 16/09/2023 06:51

Yeah I'd have told them to stop. They shouldn't have Snapchat at that age partly for this reason.

I know she's a bully but there's no need for them to bully her back

GoodVibesHere · 16/09/2023 06:52

I wouldn't have engaged with the mother at all. But I would've told the girls to be careful not to upset others who weren't at the party.

EarringsandLipstick · 16/09/2023 06:52

I can't believe how many posters are missing the point. Not to mention OP!

What's happened to OP's daughter is unacceptable but not the point here.

None of these children should have phones. They are 10!

If they did, OP should have ensured they were not in use at the party - and of course that's her job!

That behaviour is shocking, nasty & bullying. As soon as OP saw the message she should have stopped it, spoken to the relevant girls & briefly confirmed it to other mum.

The messages from the other mum sound perfectly reasonable, regardless of what may have happened before.

God, OP, your lack of response to this is baffling.

Canonlythinkofthisone · 16/09/2023 06:54

10 year olds with phones and Snapchat?

Jesus.

EarringsandLipstick · 16/09/2023 06:54

GoodVibesHere · 16/09/2023 06:52

I wouldn't have engaged with the mother at all. But I would've told the girls to be careful not to upset others who weren't at the party.

Why wouldn't you? The mother was making perfectly reasonable requests.

'Not to upset'? 10 year olds with phones sent voice notes saying 'get over it' - that's a bit more than 'upsetting'.

AmIAutumnalNow · 16/09/2023 12:56

They were in your care and were actively bullying the girl who wasn't invited

What a lovely group of children