To want to checkout for a bit

[Greenspace81]

This is an unsexy post for a Friday evening but I am where I am!

I graduated with a PhD this year which was the culmination of 12 years of studying, from an access course and completing three degrees back to back while raising my teenage DS alone from birth. During this time I experienced bankruptcy, housing insecurity, and helping out with issues in my family of origin, plus problems with DS' health and education as well as self doubt, loneliness and depression.

I'm approaching a crossroads as a fixed term academic job I've had finishes at the end of the year. I have other opportunities but I have been so isolated for so long I don't want to WFH any more or to be so much in head.

The only proper emotional support I've had is from therapists over the years and I feel so alone that small tasks feel overwhelming. I've been signed off sick with depression repeatedly this year and will probably need another period of sick leave now.

I've sacrificed so much and been under varying degrees of pressure for so long, that I feel the ideal would be to six months to a year to live a bit and to get my energy back but financially this is not possible. It is just me and DS right now.

I am not a victim; I chose these things and am proud of how far I have come. My son tells me he is proud of me and inspired by me. But I need a break and possibly a change. Any advice?

Ip, you have done amazing, I mean this kindly
But how will you fund this break?
You're signed off
Your contact is coming to an end

Thanks for replying Widow, that's the point: it is not possible. But mentally and psychologically I feel I need it, so what can I do?

Three degrees a PHd I think for so long you've focused on the end goal and now you're there, it's a bit like what's next?
You need a new focus, maybe a job that you can throw yourself into?

I'd like it as well. But I can't afford it.

Yes, I agree something new to get stuck into but I am wondering what kind of job would work with my mental health?

Studying for so long and then WFH I feel so disconnected from society. It feels like I haven't had a 'proper' full time job for ages, even though that's what my current role has been.

I've no idea if this would work with your career, or if it would help at all, but is there any way a temporary break to do something completely different would work? A different sort of job for a year? Maybe more social, or manual, or similar, for income. Just a 'break' from the academic type of work?

Thanks so much for this but that's what I've been fantasising about: lorry driving, train driving, Ubering! I do enjoy the intellectual stimulation of academia but to be honest I'm not really engaging as I would usually be because of my MH.

The other thing is, I want to have a public voice and be in a position of influence as I've felt powerless and voiceless all my life. I actually got an arts council grant to research a book on a topic I am passionate about as well as a literary agent. I've started with the research and it's been great but I'm worried about how depleted and alone I'm feeling.

To me, you've been in the academic world for so long, you need a break, you need to reconnect with society
Let your hair down
Start to enjoy life

Yes I agree, but MH is hindering this as well as my ability to do everyday tasks.

Are there networking groups you can join at the university you’re affiliated with? Mine has some fab active groups around different research themes and they meet very regularly which gives a great opportunity to be social and not feel
isolated.

Thanks for your reply. The university I work is at the end of the country and this has been part of the problem. It would definitely be good to work at an institution closer to home for more in-person contact and groups like what you describe!

I guess thinking about switching to a manual career is quite dramatic and defeatist.

Used to long to work on a supermarket till when finishing my PhD as to me it represented being able to just turn up, do shift and then not think about work until next day. Think academia is pretty overwhelming and pressured and always something more you can do - and sometimes that you want to because you are interested in it. Definitely recommend a break if you can (I went hiking for a month and took about 3 weeks to actually get to a state where I relaxed). Also congrats on the grant - could you get it extended and part-time to give you space to fit in other work that is totally different and more social? Is there maybe a writing group you could join or writing retreat you could go on which might help with feeling less alone with the writing?

Thanks for your reply Mary, the appeal of that type of job makes sense.

As for the grant, I can ask for an extension for the work I'm doing but not more money unfortunately. And I can't apply again until I've finished.

It would be great to connect with other writers, like the PhD, writing is a solitary type of work. I want community and support.

Yesterday I spent a lot of time looking at jobs and feel so confused. I obviously need to work but want to make a choice that feels authentic, realistic in the context of all the energy I've expended to get here but also sensible.

After 3 degrees & PHD, it sounds like you are burnt out
But you are already starting another project !
Why are you starting another project ?

Are there not any social groups that you can join in your area ?

Are there any volunteering groups that you can join in your are ?

Did you not make any friends when you did all your studying ? because I am still in touch with some of my uni friends we have WhatsApp chats & meet up a few times a year. We all live in different locations.

Can you contact your university for advice ?

Does your employer offer any health services? My employer has some free numbers that employees can phone related to health, pensions, etc

I also have a lovely friend (would do anything for anyone) who has multiple qualifications, Masters etc

After a couple of good jobs, redundancies

Then worked in a shop (nothing wrong with that, because it paid the bills)
She became very frustrated after seeing the youngsters go off to university or to much better paid jobs with career progression

There is more to the story...

Can you relocate to the university that your job is attached to ?

I don't think that working in retail will solve your issues, it will give you more issues

I'm not feeling good... but getting better means more slogging and little relief. At the moment I am not sleeping well, struggling to get dressed in the morning and not doing chores. The front garden is wild, the cat needs to go to vet, it's a struggle to even make a phone call.

I'm seeing a therapist which keeps me ticking over but little else. Don't want to take medication for various reasons, main one being I know it is trial and error and I can't afford for things get worse

StrawBerry thanks for your replies, I really appreciate you taking the time to write.

I made friends whilst studying but they are distant friends; we are mostly geographically scattered.

I did begin volunteering as a walking leader for a while but the responsibility was a bit much at the time. Another thing I did was begin a group for fans of a niche music genre. This has connected me with a few interesting women but it is based on monthly outings to gigs.

You are right that taking up menial work will probably cause more problems. I experience suicidal ideation from time to time, though I am sticking things out for my son as there is no one else there really for him. The other thing is I can totally see myself becoming bitter and resentful at my dreams going unfulfilled, and at feeling invisible and undervalued.

Take up running. I'm serious.

Would the ACE grant be enough to support you or do you need a job in addition? You could throw yourself into writing the book but also pick up a part time job like food delivery?

You could try something like HelpX or WorkAway but you'd need to choose wisely.

How old is you son?

Can you find something part-time to do alongside writing your book? You can then focus on the 'grant-funded book writing' part on your CV and devote a line or two to say you supported your writing with part-time work that gave you X, Y, Z transferrable skills.

I don't think it generally raises much of an eyebrow if there's a bit of a gap-year or a transition period after completing a PhD, anyway.

I don't think there is anything wrong with taking a year out of your academic pursuits to just do a more physical...not in your head ..job. You need it. And take up some exercise to also clear your head.
But l would also rethink taking meds for depression. You might be amazed at how much they help and be wondering why you didn't do it sooner.
Could you sign up to a temping agency for a while just to make some cash and meet new people without giving too much of yourself to it.
Rest, eat well exercise and meds for a year to recharge your batteries. You are completely burnt out and that's not surprising after all that study.
My dd was burnt out after a lot of academic work and took a job in a florists. The whole creative, hands on experience really helped her...she loved it and returned to her normal life after a while. Although she still dreams about that job. Sometimes we can push ourselves too much.

Could you use the Career Advice Dept at your university and talk through your circumstances and options with them. It sounds like you're stuck and just need a reset and ideas on what to do next.

have you thought of working in the Civil Service? Your academic skills would be highly valued. You could come in at a lower grade and you'd soon find opportunities to take on more, as you find your feet.

I mean this in the kindest possible way; you seem to have created a life in which you define success by being academic and creating projects. Even your attempt at leisure meant actually starting a group. Life is not always full of immersion in rarified subjects and contemplation, it also means doing the garden and taking the cat to the vet! I think it’s that life admin that really messes with a lot of women’s heads, made even harder by having kids. I absolutely agree with the PP who suggested running. It sounds like you need to reconnect and get out of your head. Doing the garden might just be the best thing ever or wild swimming. My local park also offer free outdoor yoga- maybe there’s something near you. Lots of my friends met new people doing the park run or singing with a community choir. Good luck, you sound like a fascinating person.

Really appreciate the replies, thank you.

OCD: I received the funding more than a year ago and have already had one extension. Unfortunately, you cannot ask for more money though they seem understanding when it comes to extensions.

Regarding exercise, I started the gym this winter really and enjoy it, and intend to keep it at it. Holidays/low mood/overwhelm have disrupted my flow recently.