To want to checkout for a bit

[Greenspace81]

This is an unsexy post for a Friday evening but I am where I am!

I graduated with a PhD this year which was the culmination of 12 years of studying, from an access course and completing three degrees back to back while raising my teenage DS alone from birth. During this time I experienced bankruptcy, housing insecurity, and helping out with issues in my family of origin, plus problems with DS' health and education as well as self doubt, loneliness and depression.

I'm approaching a crossroads as a fixed term academic job I've had finishes at the end of the year. I have other opportunities but I have been so isolated for so long I don't want to WFH any more or to be so much in head.

The only proper emotional support I've had is from therapists over the years and I feel so alone that small tasks feel overwhelming. I've been signed off sick with depression repeatedly this year and will probably need another period of sick leave now.

I've sacrificed so much and been under varying degrees of pressure for so long, that I feel the ideal would be to six months to a year to live a bit and to get my energy back but financially this is not possible. It is just me and DS right now.

I am not a victim; I chose these things and am proud of how far I have come. My son tells me he is proud of me and inspired by me. But I need a break and possibly a change. Any advice?

There are some great suggestions here.

Trust: you are right about how I have been measuring success. I know this stems from deep rooted insecurities and a desire to 'prove' myself. Don't know if I was born this way or if it is about my life experience but the idea of living a mundane or obscure life worries me. I want to make my mark, but it is this very thing that affects my ability to be content.

Having become a single parent at a relatively young age and taken on family responsibility early I guess I never learned how to live or find contentment. I've been in survival mode for so long. The completion of the PhD and ending of my fixed-term job are opportunities which give me space but for what I am not sure.

One thing I haven't mentioned is that there is a funding application I should hear about any day now, for work that will be begin in the new year. It will be more practical work developing a cultural product based on my research interests within cultural institution for 20 months. I to and fro about being excited about it and feeling daunted by it. It will be a mix of WFH and hot-desking.