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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner rough playing with son

48 replies

Doodles4919 · 15/09/2023 10:18

Hi,

I want to start out by saying that I do have a wonderful relationship with my partner which is (usually) communicative and adult. He in turn has a wonderful relationship with my DS (age 7, ASC, ADHD).

They play together all the time and that involves a certain amount of horseplay, obviously considering my sons sensory needs. He seeks a lot of behaviour that stimulates him.

My partner does a play thing with him after my son has showered and is wrapped in the towel which involves essentially jiggling him about in the towel (covered of course) until dry. My son loves it, asks for it, giggles like crazy and everyone is happy.

But last night I was there too and waiting to get DS into PJ’s. He requested the jiggling and my partner obliged but when he was jiggling him they were in between the threshold to to his bedroom and the landing. DS’s head was going very close to the door jamb. So much so I said “mind his head” but my partner continued.

Twice more his head almost hit the jamb and I had to shout “MIND HIS HEAD?!”

I then got told to “Ssssh!” like I was wrong to intervene and “I have done this hundreds of times!”

I just couldn’t articulate my absolute frustration and concern in that moment and (in a very annoyed and frustrated tone) said “You nearly smacked his head off the jamb twice!”

Partner then stayed upstairs all night, did not come down and just sulked in bed. It’s 10am and he hasn’t come downstairs yet. I needed space from him so slept on the sofa.

Honestly, I am I being unreasonable? Yes, I raised my voice, but he did not listen to me and I was so concerned he was going to smack my sons head off the door.

I feel like he has massively breached my boundaries and is now acting like a child himself. I want to approach this in an adult way but I don’t feel from his behaviour he is open to that to be honest.

OP posts:
HollaWithDaRisinSound · 15/09/2023 10:23

I can see your point - however I think you are over reacting.

You spoke to your husband like he is a child - which is why he stayed out of the way.

Dads do this roughhouse playing with kids. It is part of bonding between Dads and sons afaik

RoomOfRequirement · 15/09/2023 10:27

...Did he hit his head?

He didn't, so yes YABU. If you trust your patterned with your son you need to actually trust him. He was careful not to hit his head. He hasn't previously hit his head in this game. And DS is 7 not 7 weeks.

You overreacted and screamed at another adult not doing anything wrong. You should apologize.

Ibouncetothebeat · 15/09/2023 10:28

You are overreacting. Almost… he didn’t. You shouted, you never went to bed, you need to fix it and explain yourself.

Original poster
Doodles4919 · 15/09/2023 10:28

I completely get that - but he was flinging his head about - it wasn’t a gentle jiggle. It got so close to hitting the door jamb that I panicked.

OP posts:
Colourfulponderings · 15/09/2023 10:31

Parents have to be allowed to parent how they see fit. I do some things DH doesn’t necessarily agree with and likewise. Unless it’s serious we have to accept that the other parent will sometimes make slightly different decisions.

It’s healthy for children to be exposed to different personalities and ways of doing things.

Hermittrismegistus · 15/09/2023 10:32

How long had you known this man before you allowed him to horse play with your undressed child? It doesn't sound like he's his father.

WarmWinterSun · 15/09/2023 10:35

@Hermittrismegistus

Your insinuation is really inappropriate. What the OP is describing is perfectly normal.

My DH does a hair drying thing with our kids involving a towel which is a bit similar to what OP describes and they also love it.

YNK · 15/09/2023 10:38

It's well known that abuse often happens during rough play and as his mum you have a bad feeling about what you saw.
You sought some reassurance and instead got childish behaviour that is not your partners usual behaviour.

I wouldn't ignore this!

Original poster
Doodles4919 · 15/09/2023 10:40

Overwhelming reaction 😂

I had better go and sort it out then. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Hummingbird89 · 15/09/2023 10:40

He sounds like a lovely, engaging stepdad and who’s a great relationship with your son.
Honestly you’ve been dramatic and overbearing. Either he’s allowed to be a father figure to your son or he isn’t. You can’t have it both ways. Carry on like this and you’ll Danae their relationship.

GrazingSheep · 15/09/2023 10:40

How old is your son?

Hummingbird89 · 15/09/2023 10:41

Sorry, crossported with you.
Good luck, I hope he’s receptive to your chat this morning and you sort things out.

Hermittrismegistus · 15/09/2023 10:41

What the OP is describing is perfectly normal.

It's not perfectly normal to allow unrelated males to horse play with your naked child. It's just not.

Motomum23 · 15/09/2023 10:42

My husband used to shout at me 'mind their head' when I was carrying my kids through a door frame... drove me nuts. I know how to not hurt my kids.

Hummingbird89 · 15/09/2023 10:42

Hermittrismegistus · 15/09/2023 10:41

What the OP is describing is perfectly normal.

It's not perfectly normal to allow unrelated males to horse play with your naked child. It's just not.

Unrelated males who’ve known him 6 months? No.
he might have been married to the op for years. Get a grip.

Original poster
Doodles4919 · 15/09/2023 10:42

Hermittrismegistus · 15/09/2023 10:41

What the OP is describing is perfectly normal.

It's not perfectly normal to allow unrelated males to horse play with your naked child. It's just not.

He is covered entirely with a towel. He has been in his life many years. There is nothing nefarious going on here.

OP posts:
Excited101 · 15/09/2023 10:44

I’m really surprised by these reactions! It’s so easy to get caught up in the moment with kids, flinging them around- someone slightly further away can usually see it more clearly. I think your partner was being massively unreasonable, he was being defensive rather than taking on board what you were saying. It wasn’t about him having ‘done it loads of times before’- an incredibly immature response. His sulking makes the immaturity even more apparent. How long have you been together??

TicTacNicNak · 15/09/2023 10:46

GrazingSheep · 15/09/2023 10:40

How old is your son?

The first para of the OP tells you he is 7.

GrazingSheep · 15/09/2023 10:47

Apologies- missed that.

Original poster
Doodles4919 · 15/09/2023 10:47

Thanks for your input everyone. Have a good day.

OP posts:
Pancakefam · 15/09/2023 10:48

I don't agree with the majority either. You saw that he was doing something dangerous and he wouldn't stop. Don't apologise for defending your children. It's a slippery road.

Original poster
Doodles4919 · 15/09/2023 11:04

Thanks all. I’ve apologised. He’s apologised. We have had a chat and all is sorted. 😀

OP posts:
Gillbil · 15/09/2023 11:04

I'm with you, he is an outsider and should always defer to u.
I think your angry because you gave him a boundary and he ignored it, that's one strike, but then to sulk?! I wouldn't be happy at all

TrivialSoul · 15/09/2023 11:11

I'm glad it's all sorted. Let's hope the fun can continue and he will be more mindful of your concerns and you will be able to relax. To those saying that unrelated males shouldn't be near a naked child please educate yourselves, a lot of abuse comes from related males and often where no previous nakedness has occured.

KrisAkabusi · 15/09/2023 11:44

Gillbil · 15/09/2023 11:04

I'm with you, he is an outsider and should always defer to u.
I think your angry because you gave him a boundary and he ignored it, that's one strike, but then to sulk?! I wouldn't be happy at all

Nonsense! He's not an outsider, he's been involved in his life for years.