My partner rough playing with son

[Doodles4919]

Hi,

I want to start out by saying that I do have a wonderful relationship with my partner which is (usually) communicative and adult. He in turn has a wonderful relationship with my DS (age 7, ASC, ADHD).

They play together all the time and that involves a certain amount of horseplay, obviously considering my sons sensory needs. He seeks a lot of behaviour that stimulates him.

My partner does a play thing with him after my son has showered and is wrapped in the towel which involves essentially jiggling him about in the towel (covered of course) until dry. My son loves it, asks for it, giggles like crazy and everyone is happy.

But last night I was there too and waiting to get DS into PJ’s. He requested the jiggling and my partner obliged but when he was jiggling him they were in between the threshold to to his bedroom and the landing. DS’s head was going very close to the door jamb. So much so I said “mind his head” but my partner continued.

Twice more his head almost hit the jamb and I had to shout “MIND HIS HEAD?!”

I then got told to “Ssssh!” like I was wrong to intervene and “I have done this hundreds of times!”

I just couldn’t articulate my absolute frustration and concern in that moment and (in a very annoyed and frustrated tone) said “You nearly smacked his head off the jamb twice!”

Partner then stayed upstairs all night, did not come down and just sulked in bed. It’s 10am and he hasn’t come downstairs yet. I needed space from him so slept on the sofa.

Honestly, I am I being unreasonable? Yes, I raised my voice, but he did not listen to me and I was so concerned he was going to smack my sons head off the door.

I feel like he has massively breached my boundaries and is now acting like a child himself. I want to approach this in an adult way but I don’t feel from his behaviour he is open to that to be honest.

You need to butt out.
He sounds like a fun stepdad.

Glad you sorted it

Gobsmacked at the responses too.

OP, of course he should have listened to you.

Very wrong that he didn't.

His reaction to your concern is a red flag.

You should not have to apologise for being concerned for your son's safety.

It's worrying that you have doubted yourself.

My kids step dad would never play with them naked or after a bath either!

Or rough house horseplay!

You asked him to stop and he didn't
You raised your voice
He sulked for hours

These are not normal behaviours of a grown adult man.

Good grief.

Sometimes I get the impression that there are people on Mumsnet who are genuinely disappointed when men aren't paedophiles.

Oh, do give over.

He was annoyed enough that he stayed out of the way to avoid escalation. OP was equally annoyed enough that she posted on here expecting agreement.

Both were adult enough that they dealt with it properly by both apologising for not getting it right in the moment.

That's how being a grown-up in a grown-up relationship works.

Does he usually sulk when you disagree?

And it wouldn't have hurt for him to move away from the doorway...

Glad this is all sorted now Op but crikey I say things like this all the time to my DH when he’s messing around with the kids?! “Mind their head, watch that glass” etc. I know DH thinks I’m a bit of a nag about a lot of stuff but many times he’s actually needed that warning (he says so himself) and also many times I hear a big bump followed by a loud cry when I’m not in the room with them ha..! I don’t think it’s a bad thing to have different styles of parenting, you can complement each other and in this instance he should’ve listened to you and there was no need to sulk. I wouldn’t be advising Op to bite her tongue in future.

Sulking is the behavior of a child not of an emotionally mature adult.
This should be a warning to you of possible coercive controlling behavior. This man is telling you he does not like to be told he is wrong or behaved inappropriately. Do not let this go by without a discussion. Better to find out sooner than later what kind of person you are dealing with.

Are you this much fun at parties too?

And what about OP shouting at him and then sleeping downstairs on the sofa? Was OP not sulking by not going to bed? Are these the behaviours of a grown adult woman?

My brother once picked up my toddler son in a doorway and lifted him up and walloped his head, so things can go wrong even with loving adults doing what they normally do.
My recent partner wouldn't listen to my protests about him tormenting my cat, and I had visions of him teasing or overdoing rough play with a potential grandchild (my DC are adult) and it was the beginning of the end for me.
I can see both sides here but shocked at how many people are saying YABU. I can relate to how it feels being told your concerns are not valid and basically shut up- it's a bit of a male power thing I'm afraid.

I

Hahah within a few replies the insinuation he's a paedophile was out and a few later he's an abuser. Classic Mumsnet

You are over-reacting. And partner is being a sulky baby.

But either you trust your partner, or your don't. And frankly, if DS gets a donk on the head... kinda so what? He's a robust 7yo, not an infant.

Plus, he DIDN'T hit his head.

There was no need to shout at your partner like that.
However, it was partially his fault you felt the need to because he brushed off your initial mild “mind his head” warning which would have understandably left you feeling more worried, not less worried.

I’m glad you’ve apologised for shouting and over-reacting.
I’m glad he’s apologised for just brushing off your first warning so you didn’t feel listened to (I’m assuming that is what he apologised for)

I don’t think the two of you having a breather and spending the evening apart was ‘sulking’ or ‘immature’ by either of you. Often when there’s been a disagreement it can be better to have a time out to let emotions subside before discussing and patching things up between partners. It is a ND thing to do though which indicates perhaps you or partner also may be ND? It is also why some posters seem to think this is a problem in a relationship- it’s not a problem it’s just different and what works for you, works for you and you should feel no shame in that no matter what others say.

If you are also ND, it may also explain too why you genuinely felt a bit panicky and over worried about your sons head hitting the door jamb as sometimes spatial perceptions can be a bit off.

This. Do you not trust him not to hurt ds?

How long has your partner been in your child's life op?

Has he? I may have missed op saying how long the partner has been involved.

But even so, even if he has been involved for all ds life or just for the last 3 weeks.

At the end of the day, if someone ignores your concerns about your child, and then holds it against you, that's not ok, imo.

He didn't smack his head though?

You've clearly got a very dark, sick mind. Give your own head a wobble before making crazy accusations.

Don't blame him for staying upstairs late into the morning when you chose to sleep on the sofa. You made it quite clear you didn't want to be near him.

Came up on active feed.. just realised it isn't. Sorry.