To wonder what the natural consequence is for leaving shoes on a bus

[UsuallyBaffled]

DS just started year 7. One week in and he's left a boot bag containing brand new Clarks school shoes and Nike trainers on the bus (well over £100 of new shoes). Have tried bus company nothing handed in. Obviously I have to replace them as he needs both for school but what should the consequence be for my generally well behaved but slightly head-in- the-clouds DS? I feel like we can't just replace them and carry on he needs to learn something from it AIBU?

Maybe he lost the Clark's shoes on purpose...

@Tohaveandtohold the Clarks only last longer if they don't get left on the bus !!
@UsuallyBaffled did he realise he only needed football boots for PE that day and didn't need to take his trainers in (I assume the school doesn't insist on them lugging both trainers and footy boots in).
Obviously it's still early days for Year 7 and he will be getting used to the timetable but is he still taking "everything" in at once. Some Year 7s it doesn't occur to them that they only need the stuff for what's on the timetable that day. Year 7s are a bit dopey still - bless them 🙂

Why on earth does there have to be a consequence? He presumably didn't do it on purpose. I've recently left my handbag in a restaurant and my phone in a public toilet. Luckily I got them both back, but these things happen to us all.

If he can't be trusted to get off a bus with everything he got on with I'd tell him he's not getting the bus anymore. But he doesn't need to worry as I'll be picking him up from school instead.

I'd then arrange with my boss to finish early and I'd wait outside school in a very garish old lady coat, with rollers in, pulling one of those wheeled shopping bags, and when he's walking towards to gates I'd be shouting "Yoohoo! BaffledSon! I'm here dearest boy! Yoo hoo! Mummy's come to take you home!" in a really shrill earpiercing voice.

He won't do it again.

Well first of all I would look into the lost property process for whoever is running that bus service. See if the shoes can be retrieved.

Second, are you asking "What should I do now?" or "How should I punish DC?" or "How can I make this less likely to happen again?"

Because the natural consequence is that now the shoes are not easily accessible and must either be chased up with lost property and gone to fetch etc or replaced at however much that costs, both involving the hassle of going to the shop/depot/etc and trying new shoes on etc, and the inconvenience of having no shoes or having to wear old shoes or borrowed shoes in the meantime.

If you're asking "how can I make DC aware of the effects of their actions" then getting them to do some/all of the above might be useful.

If you're asking "how to punish" then apparently the whole idea that consequences MUST be related/natural/logical etc is a load of rubbish and it makes no difference; involve them in the hassleful parts of replacing/retrieving the shoes if you want but it's not necessarily having a punitive effect (it might have a learning effect, which is great) but if it's punishment you want then it makes no difference if you ground them for a week vs say "Sorry you can't go to fun activity as we need to replace the shoes".

If you're asking "how to prevent/reduce chances of this happening again" then you probably want to do problem solving instead, this involves debriefing the situation to find out what went wrong, and building in safeguards against that scenario.

So for example, think up a way to attach the shoes to the bag so that when the bag is picked up, the shoes come with.

Or start a policy of checking back at the seat every time you get off the bus so as not to forget anything.

Of course you can do multiple of these things at once, it's not like an either or.

Unfortunately people keep or steal branded stuff. So if he has or gets branded stuff he really needs to value and safeguard it like a hawk. So firstly, he needs to understand that properly. How are you going to teach him that? By making him pay a contribution via pocket money sacrifice or chores. However, equally you need to talk to him about whether he does value the branded stuff or would prefer cheaper replacements and less chores/pocket money sacrifice. I would let him make the decision.

I'm pretty sure he didn't donut on purpose. How could any consequences mean it won't happen again? Have you never left something on a bus or list anything?

He has to wear cheap replacements.

Does he have form for losing stuff? If so, you might want to expressly teach him some techniques he can use to NOT lose stuff (easier said than done). I speak as a frequent, semi reformed loser-of-things. Until my mid-20’s I would lose EVERYTHING. Dealing with the consequences didn’t help one jot because I literally did not know how not to lose things/ keep track of my stuff. Luckily for me, my best friend (who was getting pissed off at having to deal with my panic/faff when I had lost my purse/phone/keys for the millionth time that day) told me that I needed to make a habit of LOOKING BEHIND ME whenever I left a place. She then shouted at me to do so until it became an ingrained habit. It was life changing. I reckon I have cut down on losing stuff outside of my own house 99.9999 per cent due to this piece of advice.

Since then I have frequently questioned why my parents just shouted at me for my whole childhood instead of actually teaching me the skills I needed🫤.

Can you help your son identify situations in which he is most likely to lose his stuff? Can you then invent a ‘trigger’ - maybe something in his routine - that will remind him to check whether it is still with him?

Do completely agree with this.

From experience I might wait a week or two so he can take on the extra info if you try to build in systems. They are dealing with a LOT these first few weeks and he's going to be 'filtering' (i.e. not listening to) lots of the instructions and chat.

Some people on this thread seem really cruel. If I could afford to I would replace them and tell him to be more careful next time.

I wouldn't go too hard. Start of Year 7 can be a lot. His head would have been in the clouds to a much greater extent. But it also depends on his reaction. Was he genuinely sorry and upset or just meh and bolshy? That should feed into the consequences.

Your natural consequence is that you had the hassle of phoning round places or back tracking etc to find it then if you'd not got them back, the cost of replacing. Children don't have these which is why you have to somewhat orchestrate the consequences so they learn that if they want to avoid it, they need to take care

Agree. Very annoying and costly but these things happen.

It's the start of year 7, it's a huge transition and he is presumably learning to do a lot of new things and taking on a lot of new responsibilities. If he was appropriately apologetic I would let it go but warn him of consequences if it happens again. We all fuck up sometimes

Children shouldn’t be paid or receive pocket money for household chores.

They should do chores because doing chores is part of being in a family, and the whole family pitches in together.

Intrinsic motivation, not external.

Could you get him to be responsible for making a phone call to the bus company and also the school to see if they have been handed in? Not a consequence as such but a little lesson to take responsibility afterwards.

What would be the consequence for you if you accidentally left your shoes on the bus?
For me it would be that I'd forego something else in order to pay to replace them, day out or something else i hoped to buy.
I certainly wouldn't wear old scruffy ones, cheap ones I didn't like or ones that weren't appropriate for the occasion to punish myself. Would you?
If you treat them as you'd treat yourself you'll usually be on the right lines.

Posters??! Those shoes will be long gone !

I think I’d be tempted to double check with the bus company - my son left his phone on the bus and around 24 hours later they confirmed they had it and I collected it.

Perhaps try posting on social media - ‘son was on x bus on x date - did anyone pick up a yellow bag with shoes in it?’ - you never know

As for ‘consequences’ - I’m pretty sure he didn’t mean to do it and I’m sure he feels just as bad as you. Replace the lost shoes with what you can afford and explain to him to double check he has everything before he gets off the bus in future. He’s only 11 after all - and Year 7 is a big step.

I can remember leaving my coat on the bus once at that age and my Mum going absolutely mental at me - I can still remember the sick feeling I had walking into the house to tell her and getting absolutely blasted!

Exactly this. He's 11. He doesn't need punishing - it was a mistake albeit an expensive one.

What does he think should happen next?

If he is really remorseful then I’d buy new ones but let him know how cross I was and that it is a lot of money that could have been spent on other things, - the odd ‘we could have got x but we spent the money on your replacement shoes’, but don’t drag it on too long.

If he’s not bothered then he gets cheap shoes until he grows out of them. But I know what you mean about not making life hard for him for not having branded stuff.

Make him pay for the replacements himself. If he has pocket money or gets money for doing household tasks, stop those payments until he's paid for the new items. Alternatively don't get him any Christmas or birthday presents and explain to him his replacement shoes were the presents. It will start to make him think about the value of the items lost.

I don't really like the idea of 'consequences' in & of themselves.

As PP said, the natural consequence is he lost his new stuff, my teens, esp my DSS, would be really upset.

In terms of replacing them, I'm on a tight budget as a single parent. I genuinely couldn't just replace them. But usually they'd have some Christmas or birthday money available to them that they could use for whatever was most important.

I'd prioritise buying the essential footwear and yes, non-branded tho not totally cheap as they simply won't last.

I'd be a bit cross for sure too!

Poor lad. It's a very harsh lesson.
I soon learnt to do a check of my bags etc whenever I got off the bus.
I left my late Grandma's umbrella and a large Fisher Price toy my Mum has asked me to collect. I still remember the sinking feeling.

I am prone to leaving things about (passports in airports, phones in toilets), and at 52 have learnt how to manage it. At 11 this is either a one off, or if it's something he's going to be prone to doing he needs your help in making sure he doesn't keep losing stuff.

Get on bus - count how many bags I have.
Stand up to get off - count how many bags I have.

For a first offence I would replace with non-branded shoes, or if he wants fancy Nike ones he need to pay for the additional cost on top of non-branded.

and yes as PP say, it can take a while for things to get back to the depot.
Keep trying. My son left his phone on the bus. It took a week to get back the lost property depot. This was right on the opposite end of the bus route he took, so he had to go out of his way and get a later bus back home to retrieve it. That was a consequence. He was older than 11 though.