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AIBU?

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Original poster

If your DP cheated, would you automatically stop loving them?

81 replies

GnTx3 · 14/09/2023 20:40

Hi,

This came from a conversation I had with a friend last week. She said that not only would she not forgive her DP if they cheated, but she wouldn't love them anymore. As in, immediately. All love, gone from that point.

I said I definitely couldn't forgive and am pretty sure that would be it, in terms of the relationship, but I can't imagine that the love would just stop. Yes, I would feel differently about them. I suspect I would hate them actually and the love certainly wouldn't be the same, but it wouldn't be gone entirely....I don't think, anyway.

Am I unusual for feeling like this? I've never really thought about it before this conversation.

YABU - Yes, the love would stop

YANBU - No, I would still love them as well as hating their guts

OP posts:
Legale · 14/09/2023 20:42

I don't know for sure, it's possible I could. I think I probably still would, however I definitely wouldn't stay with him. I could and would not trust him again.

Hermittrismegistus · 14/09/2023 20:43

Often how you think you would react to a situation and how you do actually react when that situation happens is completely opposite.

Gurthnamuckla · 14/09/2023 20:44

Nope. And I’ll go further and say there are far worse things that could happen in a marriage.

fertha · 14/09/2023 20:44

Yes I would. He wouldn't be the person I loved after that so there would be no love left on my part. I would find it easy to walk away (I have done in other relationships) and I could never be one of those amicably co-parenting and doing fun trips with an ex and the dc.

Crucible · 14/09/2023 20:45

All respect would be immediately gone. And the foundation of love is that respect. So, yes, pretty immediate for me. And I would expect a similar response from DH if I were unfaithful, and I'd deserve the loss.

Shirtella · 14/09/2023 20:46

It dawned on me, pretty shortly after I found out, that the man I loved didn’t exist.

The man I loved wouldn’t cheat on me. The man I married did.And I didn’t love that man.

Barbiesback · 14/09/2023 20:49

These are the people that always end up staying. You can't swear you wouldn't do XYZ in a situation unless your actually in it. It's just hypothetical otherwise.

Lieslies · 14/09/2023 20:49

I still loved him, and I was heartbroken. It took months for the love to die out.

Despite also seeing him as an evil doppelganger of the man he'd been.

Truemilk · 14/09/2023 20:57

Having been through this I can confirm that the loved did stop immediately for me. I was disgusted with him. It was like he was a stranger to me.

ChristmasCrumpet · 14/09/2023 20:58

Yes. Immediately.

I'd feel like I had loved a character, an actor playing a part...and now the real man behind that had revealed his cheating self. I would see them as two different people. I would still love the former, but he doesn't actually exist.

Desecratedcoconut · 14/09/2023 21:07

Yes, I think I'd pull up that drawbridge immediately. Betrayal is a hard line in the sand for me. Unconditional love is for children.

MsFrost · 14/09/2023 21:09

I think if you have loved someone deeply for years, that love does not really disappear overnight, even if they have done something shocking and awful, and even if we want it to.

Over time though, it does fade.

LisaD1 · 14/09/2023 21:11

I’d be devastated and as sure as I can be the relationship would be over but I don’t know how I would stop loving the man I’ve loved for 20 years.

readbooksdrinktea · 14/09/2023 21:12

I would possibly still love him for a while, it takes a little time to get over. But I would no longer respect or like him, and, therefore, I wouldn't want to be around him any longer.

MiddleParking · 14/09/2023 21:14

I really can’t imagine that I would just stop loving my husband, father of my children, because he’d betrayed me romantically/sexually/whatever. Don’t get me wrong, I might hate him, but the love is where that anger would come from. That love is tied up in nearly every memory of my adult life and my children are half him. I don’t see how it could just switch off instantly.

Sapphire387 · 14/09/2023 21:16

I hope I never have to find out the answer to this.

I suspect the love would not immediately disappear, but I don't think I would be able to 'get over it' or stay with him.

Poptones · 14/09/2023 21:18

Depends on how he otherwise treated me. I'm not a woman who believes an act of infidelity from a man is necessarily a reflection on how he feels about me.
Men are not women. They can have sex and just leave it at the door.
I wouldn't want to know, though.
I'd be pissed off at his lack of discretion, if I found out, not the actual infidelity.

Most men who cheat are clueless bastards, though, and don't cover their tracks well, or so desperate for sex they'll gush any old shit to the other woman.
So it's the stupidity in being dull enough for me to find out that I'd loathe him for.

What goes on tour stays on tour.

To be frank, I'd rather have an otherwise good dh than a faithful loser who treated me like dirt.

So to sum up, if I had a man whom I could otherwise trust and had the good sense to keep it from me, didn't confuse sex with love, and otherwise treated me well, I'd probably be OK with it.

Thepeopleversuswork · 14/09/2023 21:21

I would lose respect and trust immediately so effectively yes. A relationship without trust and respect is defunct.

I dare say there would probably be some lingering feeling and a lot of anger and hurt and humiliation and it would take me a while to get past it. You can't switch off feelings for someone like a light going on. But that isn't love, it's an emotional reaction to betrayal.

There is literally no point remaining emotionally connected to someone who has cheated on you. All the internal rationale for the relationship is gone.

Blueeyedmale · 14/09/2023 21:25

I don't go think you can stop loving straight away,when I found out my ex was cheating and ended up getting pregnant by another man,the love was still there but the betrayal was to hurtful to forgive, it was such a hard decision to leave the family home,but any love I felt was not enough and easygoing the arguments would not have been fair on my son,in my opinion there is no way back when a partner cheats,love is not enough

Poptones · 14/09/2023 21:38

Blueeyedmale · 14/09/2023 21:25

I don't go think you can stop loving straight away,when I found out my ex was cheating and ended up getting pregnant by another man,the love was still there but the betrayal was to hurtful to forgive, it was such a hard decision to leave the family home,but any love I felt was not enough and easygoing the arguments would not have been fair on my son,in my opinion there is no way back when a partner cheats,love is not enough

I know it's no consolation but you did the right thing. I do think that when a woman cheats it's because she's lost respect for her dh or just really bored or unhappy.
It's awful to say it but forgiving it would make her lose even more respect for you as you'd just confirm you were weak to tolerate something so intolerable as getting pregnant by someone else.

No be proud you walked away. It couldn't have been easy to walk but It would've got worse if you stayed.

TregunaMekoides · 14/09/2023 21:43

I'm not sure whether the love would stop. If it did I think it would make it easier as it would lessen the hurt.
I do know I couldn't stay married as he wouldn't be the man I thought he was if he cheated.

Barbiesback · 14/09/2023 21:46

@Poptones I agree. I think I could forgive the one time but it's a plot twist when someone gets pregnant I couldn't forgive that part. I always wonder can't a person have enough respect not to get pregnant at least it's the ultimate betrayal because you can't send a baby back.

Original poster
GnTx3 · 15/09/2023 07:19

Most of you are describing my friends reasoning. I.e, they'd be a different person, so how could you love someone who didn't really exist? I do get that.

OP posts:
BarrelOfOtters · 15/09/2023 07:27

Sort of depends. Long term infidelity versus a stupid one off ? I don’t think a stupid mistake makes someone evil.

Siameasy · 15/09/2023 07:34

I would probably have lots of feelings about it but I wouldn’t end the marriage. Agree with a PP there are far worse things. We have a primary age child and she is my priority.
TBH I’d rather not know if DH had a drunken encounter.
I would reflect upon why he did it and talk about it.
Most divorces are initiated by women so you will usually have a good chance of staying in the marriage if you want to.