Before I start I just want to say I'm not good at 'wording' things so please forgive me if this doesn't really flow well. I hope I don’t offend anybody. I'm just going to get it out.
Note when I first wrote this it was a lot longer than I planned so I have tried to shorten it a bit.
My partner and I have been together 7 years, he was a healthy weight when I met him. His weight has steadily been increasing. He is 5’11, and currently 27 stone. His BMI is 52.9. To be fair, he doesn’t actually look that big. I don’t think you’d be able to guess his weight correctly just by looking at him. He has broad shoulders, but he carries most of his weight round his middle. He has an overhang.
I feel really selfish saying this, but I feel really frustrated about his weight.
He has admitted to me he has issues with food and may have an eating disorder. There are days when he goes shopping, brings back a whole tub of ice cream and eats it in one go. He buys a multipack of crisps, or a ‘sharing bag’, but eats them all. A sharing bag of skittles? Gone in one sitting. But he doesn’t eat proper meals – he doesn’t even schedule them, it is normal for him to miss breakfast and lunch, but then eat very late at night, usually ready meals. He says he does enjoy cooking, but doesn’t actually cook at all, it’s always a ready meal.
Even though he snacks, it’s only because I’ve caught him - I wouldn’t be able to tell you where the rest of the calories are coming from. He eats in secret I think.
I went through a stage of making overnight oats for him, which he said he really enjoyed, and he had it every day for about 2 months, then said he’d gone off it.
I also cooked a fresh meal daily for him for a while, protein with vegetables, I did vary the protein etc but he said he got bored. I cook other meals, like spag bol or stir fries, but I work a really active job, so I often come back from work and don't really want to spend time cooking, and he lost the motivation to do it himself, he was eating crap on the days I wasn't cooking, so I thought what's the point going to all this effort? We tried the slimming world diet, which I stuck to but he didn’t, about 4 years ago. Did it for 2 months.
He does do ‘veganuary’ with me each year, it’s the one thing he’s stuck at. He’s done it for the past 3 years and lost basically a stone by the end of January, but always gains it back.
He has a gym membership and has started with a personal trainer, he started both of those a year ago and has lost a stone. We are trying to save money so I told him he should have lost much more than that by now, is the personal trainer worth it, and he said he disagreed, he is gaining muscle strength and is becoming fitter etc etc. I leave for work at 7am 5 days a week, so I told him the ideal time to go to the gym would probably be with me in the morning, I can drop him off at the gym on the way to work and then he can walk back, ready for his work meeting at 8.30. (The gym is 15 min walk away). He did it for 2 months, but then says he is not a morning person, hates going to the gym in the morning, so he barely goes now. He has the personal trainer once a week (so does get up early one day a week) but goes to the gym once or twice the rest of the week. It is always a different excuse. This time, it’s because he ripped his only pair of joggers, which is true, but he hasn’t ordered new ones for 3 weeks, so he hasn’t been to the gym at all in that time. But previously the excuses have been, I’m too tired because I went to bed too late, I have an upset stomach, I have a headache. I feel he has no motivation at all but he gets annoyed at me when I mention anything.
We have a dog, which he walks for 15 minutes a day (which isn’t long enough, but he said he hasn’t got time to do longer walks), but he will find any excuse not to walk her at all. There has been a couple of times he has lied to me that he has walked her, when actually he hasn’t (we have CCTV outside the house) which has led to arguments as well. I do a walk daily with her as well and mine is at least 30 minutes.
He has a very sedentary job (currently works from home sat at a desk).
We are trying to start a family, but honestly, there are days when I really struggle to see our future. We are struggling to conceive and I wonder if it’s partly because of his weight. His mum and brother are also obese (much bigger than he is), and they are diabetic. I think they also have food issues – I have seen them binge eat.
I feel so overwhelmed with it, I feel like I have done everything I can. Part of me is like, ‘just leave him to it – you have done all you can’ but then another part of me is thinking ‘but he will die if he doesn’t get help!’
He has seen the GP for a weight management referral, that was 2 years ago and he’s still on a waiting list.
Quite simply: My partner is obese, and I feel like it is affecting our relationship and future. Am I right to feel frustrated? What would you do if you were in my situation? Tell it to me straight.