To feel frustrated by my partner's weight?

[Thriving30]

Before I start I just want to say I'm not good at 'wording' things so please forgive me if this doesn't really flow well. I hope I don’t offend anybody. I'm just going to get it out.
Note when I first wrote this it was a lot longer than I planned so I have tried to shorten it a bit.

My partner and I have been together 7 years, he was a healthy weight when I met him. His weight has steadily been increasing. He is 5’11, and currently 27 stone. His BMI is 52.9. To be fair, he doesn’t actually look that big. I don’t think you’d be able to guess his weight correctly just by looking at him. He has broad shoulders, but he carries most of his weight round his middle. He has an overhang.

I feel really selfish saying this, but I feel really frustrated about his weight.

He has admitted to me he has issues with food and may have an eating disorder. There are days when he goes shopping, brings back a whole tub of ice cream and eats it in one go. He buys a multipack of crisps, or a ‘sharing bag’, but eats them all. A sharing bag of skittles? Gone in one sitting. But he doesn’t eat proper meals – he doesn’t even schedule them, it is normal for him to miss breakfast and lunch, but then eat very late at night, usually ready meals. He says he does enjoy cooking, but doesn’t actually cook at all, it’s always a ready meal.

Even though he snacks, it’s only because I’ve caught him - I wouldn’t be able to tell you where the rest of the calories are coming from. He eats in secret I think.
I went through a stage of making overnight oats for him, which he said he really enjoyed, and he had it every day for about 2 months, then said he’d gone off it.
I also cooked a fresh meal daily for him for a while, protein with vegetables, I did vary the protein etc but he said he got bored. I cook other meals, like spag bol or stir fries, but I work a really active job, so I often come back from work and don't really want to spend time cooking, and he lost the motivation to do it himself, he was eating crap on the days I wasn't cooking, so I thought what's the point going to all this effort? We tried the slimming world diet, which I stuck to but he didn’t, about 4 years ago. Did it for 2 months.
He does do ‘veganuary’ with me each year, it’s the one thing he’s stuck at. He’s done it for the past 3 years and lost basically a stone by the end of January, but always gains it back.

He has a gym membership and has started with a personal trainer, he started both of those a year ago and has lost a stone. We are trying to save money so I told him he should have lost much more than that by now, is the personal trainer worth it, and he said he disagreed, he is gaining muscle strength and is becoming fitter etc etc. I leave for work at 7am 5 days a week, so I told him the ideal time to go to the gym would probably be with me in the morning, I can drop him off at the gym on the way to work and then he can walk back, ready for his work meeting at 8.30. (The gym is 15 min walk away). He did it for 2 months, but then says he is not a morning person, hates going to the gym in the morning, so he barely goes now. He has the personal trainer once a week (so does get up early one day a week) but goes to the gym once or twice the rest of the week. It is always a different excuse. This time, it’s because he ripped his only pair of joggers, which is true, but he hasn’t ordered new ones for 3 weeks, so he hasn’t been to the gym at all in that time. But previously the excuses have been, I’m too tired because I went to bed too late, I have an upset stomach, I have a headache. I feel he has no motivation at all but he gets annoyed at me when I mention anything.

We have a dog, which he walks for 15 minutes a day (which isn’t long enough, but he said he hasn’t got time to do longer walks), but he will find any excuse not to walk her at all. There has been a couple of times he has lied to me that he has walked her, when actually he hasn’t (we have CCTV outside the house) which has led to arguments as well. I do a walk daily with her as well and mine is at least 30 minutes.

He has a very sedentary job (currently works from home sat at a desk).

We are trying to start a family, but honestly, there are days when I really struggle to see our future. We are struggling to conceive and I wonder if it’s partly because of his weight. His mum and brother are also obese (much bigger than he is), and they are diabetic. I think they also have food issues – I have seen them binge eat.

I feel so overwhelmed with it, I feel like I have done everything I can. Part of me is like, ‘just leave him to it – you have done all you can’ but then another part of me is thinking ‘but he will die if he doesn’t get help!’

He has seen the GP for a weight management referral, that was 2 years ago and he’s still on a waiting list.

Quite simply: My partner is obese, and I feel like it is affecting our relationship and future. Am I right to feel frustrated? What would you do if you were in my situation? Tell it to me straight.

He has an eating disorder OP that's for sure. This requires a serious conversation with him and I would think therapy as a starting point. Honestly I think he is wasting time and money at the gym, the issues are with food. Exercise at that weight must be incredibly painful and difficult.

I'm a little taken aback by the negative comments here. If a man posted that his partner is bulimic and everyone told him to run away and dump her, there would be outrage.

If you want to be with him you need to support him, but I agree you need to tell him how serious this is and that he needs to face up to it now and start getting professional help or else he is jeopardising his relationship with you.

It's very complex but 2 things to consider:

1. It is not his fault, eating and diet are incredibly complex.
2. He is very unlikely to change, ever, and even less likely to as a result of nagging. His behaviour will impact you and any children you have.

We do have shared interests and do go out together. Funnily enough our eating habits are totally different, I eat a balanced healthy diet, cook most meals from scratch, I do have the occasional takeaway (who doesn't?) I rarely snack in between meals, I very much see food as fuel and base my meals around whole foods. We don't eat together at all anymore actually, because he doesn't have scheduled meals at home, we only sit down together for a meal if we are eating out somewhere.
We do walk the dog separately but tbh that was something I suggested we do, to encourage him to get out and walk the dog himself.. it's also better for the dog to be walked twice a day instead of just once. It also works better for our work pattern (he is on a 9-5 and I am on 7-6) He is supposed to do a morning/lunchtime walk and I do the evening, on my days off we do the reverse.

Thank you, I agree - I don't have a lot of self confidence and I think this is probably why I have settled and just put up with things the way they are.

I'm intrigued by messages saying he will never change his habits - but it is also worrying me as well. I have decided to put my feelings all down on paper actually, I will write a letter tonight and ask him to read it tomorrow so we can discuss it together. I am tired of just telling him verbally how I feel because I have done it so many times and got nowhere, he shuts down, gets angry and refuses to speak.. so I am hoping when he sees the words written down it will hit home.

Thank you everyone.💐

Any decent PT will arrange a healthy eating program for weight loss. Plus one session a week will do rock all if he's still stuffing his face. He should be working out at least 3 times a week plus some cardio sessions.

There are lots of weight loss transformations on YouTube that might help him see that he can change and it will be for the better.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=udWKg4smS9U&pp=ygUdV2VpZ2h0bG9zcyB0cmFuc2ZpZW1hdGlvbiBtYW4%3D

Good luck, op. If you can, update us on what your p said about your letter.

I hope it goes well, and that it kickstarts a realisation that he needs to change his habits to survive.

💐

Read why we eat, too much. This isn't simply a eating disorder, it's genetics too.

If you don't want to be with him big, end it. But there's more to his weight gain.

If you wish to be together for a long time and for your DH to be healthy you should pick up on the eating disorder discussion.
Help him have the courage to seek proper medical help. He will need a lot of support to become healthy.

Can you both become invested in what the dietition suggests is a better way to eat, sleep and exercise?

You sound hard work. You admit he's lost weight and that you nagged him because it wasn't enough. Perhaps the cause of his eating disorder is closer than you think. 🙄

OP just to reassure you that only people who don't want to face their own responsibilities blame their addictions or bad lifestyle habits on someone else.

He wants the 'fix' of the food more than he wants to be healthy and until that changes there's nothing you can say or do that will make him lose weight. You either accept that and tell him when he wants to address it you will support him every step of the way or you say sorry, this is not a relationship I can be in, and you leave.

Don't be surprised if he refuses to read the letter

He's got a bit of a nerve getting pissy with you for raising it, quite frankly most people would not have been as supportive and would have ran for the hills a long time ago. I think his attitude would bother me as much or more than the weight. No one is owed a relationship or for the relationship to continue, he must think he has you 100% locked down to be so cavalier about your feelings on this. At a minimum you should tell him that this is not the case, that separating is very much an option but honestly, I would be gone already.

Please please please do not have children with this man. If he struggles to walk a dog for 15 mins, how do you think he will be as a parent? Can you see him taking a baby out by himself? Or dealing with a toddler? That’s very physical, I’m heavily pregnant and struggling.

Yeah sorry, I wouldn’t find still being 26 stone acceptable either.

You're blaming the OP for her DP's morbid obesity?!

OP I think you've been very measured in your posts. I also think this shows that we've lost sight of what is a healthy weight and size. Your DH is not that tall and is 27st but you don't think he looks that big? I think that shows how much you love him and are trying to see him in the best light.
Don't TTC with him. He's set himself up for a lifetime of health issues so you will end up parenting for two.
I agree that it's an eating disorder but he still needs to have the willpower and desire to change. At that size he'd surely meet the criteria for Bariatric surgery.

Not read any of the responses but I think it's the height of selfishness to go from a healthy weight to 27 stone in 7 years and still expect your partner to be attracted to you.

I'd personally give him an ultimatum. He'd need to lose weight or I'd be off. And if the shoe was on the other foot I'd think it was reasonable for him to say the same to you.

And before people get up in arms, it goes without saying that weight gain because or medical issues are a different kettle of fish.

To cut to the chase OP, you need to decide whether this issue outweighs (no pun) the positives in your relationship, and if it does, make plans to leave, because you can't go on trying and failing to police and control his diet and lifestyle. Its a fools errand, doomed to failure because he isn't on board with it. Going on as you are is exhausting, frustrating and will create a very unhealthy dynamic in your relationship with resentment on both sides.
Its possible that in time he will find the motivation. But equally possible he never will and will join the many people who live and die obese. You need to decide if you can accept that or not.

FFS don’t breed with him. He’ll be too lazy and find excuses to not ever take your child for walks, to the park etc and do you want your child to pick up those lazy habits?

Don’t bring a child into this. He has no intention of changing as he can’t be arsed to. No other reason. Binge eating is one thing which people do struggle to control, but avoiding the gym and even walking the dog is pure fucking indifference.

That is a shocking weight to reach. You have every right to be frustrated with this. I definitely couldn't bro g myself to have kids with this man, if he's prepared to do so little for his own health and your relationship

OP, write the letter if you like, but don't expect it to suddenly make a difference. You talk about it "hitting home" but honestly your DP has a serious addiction problem and reading one letter isn't going to change that, however much he and you would like it to. Things are more deep rooted than that. Research has shown that the chance of a morbidly obese person reaching a healthy weight is around 1 in 1000.

Op he has to want to loose weight.
Loosing weight is a hard thing to do, if it was easy their wouldn't be a whole weight loss / diet industry and we'd all be like twigs!

I think you need to talk to him, focus on his lack of fitness / laziness rather than weight. Only walking the dog for short time is making you question how hands on he'll be as a Dad.

The food bill must be horrendous, you don't want your kids do grow up over eating with a Dad who's very unfit.

Make it clear he either has to start loosing or he looses you.

This makes for sad reading…. He obviously has some serious issues with food and lifestyle, but other than that is a gorgeous chap. The problem is - these are such huge issues and have such big implications for your life going forward. For a start, he could be eating himself into extremely bad health and an early grave. I would have a real problem with this… I find it sad that you don’t cook/eat together on a daily basis… We all have busy lives and different schedules but I think most couple try and make an effort to cook/eat together most days… it is a ‘together’ thing to do! I also would not consider trying to conceive with him whilst he is battling a food addiction… he won’t be fit enough to help much with a young child, not to mention a terrible role model when it comes to food, exercise and a healthy lifestyle…. I would be having a frank conversation with him about how you feel, don’t think about a baby for now… if he will seek help (he is going to need help to deal with his addiction issues…. CBT training or hypnotherapy could both help…) you might have a future but if he won’t (or indeed just can’t get a grip despite help…) I think you need to walk away… Very sad - but the future is just not bright for him or you whilst he remains in this state…

Sounds like he may be depressed?

I just ran a quick projection through the NHS' BMI calculator, making some assumptions (putting the OP's partner's age at 30, assuming white etc).

The absolute top end of the 'healthy weight' scale, according to that, was 12st11lb / 85kg, so if the OP's partner was indeed a healthy weight (give or take 10kgs or so) when they met, he has more than doubled his body weight in less than a decade, which is terrifying and would almost certainly indicate a need for fairly urgent medical intervention.