To ask for financial help (not from mumsnet!)

[BillyNotQuiteNoMates]

Simple back story - Single mum, working long hours to support immediate family. Siblings doing well, but living abroad. Parents living a “reasonable” drive away, not too far, but an “inconvenient distance” when taking into account working long hours. Parents not in good health, and rely on me when they are unwell. Siblings keep saying “thanks” and “they wish they could help” but not actually suggesting anything.
Issue is that I’m more than happy to go running, but frankly it’s expensive. It’s an unpaid shift plus £35 petrol everytime. The last two months I’ve had missed bills because I just didn’t have the money to pay them. My parents have money, but I know that if I ask them they’d be mortified that they hadn’t considered it and wouldn’t ask me for help next time, when they need it.
So question is, WIBU to ask siblings for a bit of financial help? Would you be offended if you were in their shoes?

I think it’s time to let them know the reality of your situation. If they don’t know, it probably won’t occur to them. Perhaps say that you need them to help as it’s all on you, physically, emotionally and especially financially.

I think you are not unreasonable since you can't really afford the extra cost. They are your and your siblings' parents and you are really doing your siblings a favour by making yourself available to help. Otherwise they'd need to hire paid help if you weren't there and it would cost much more than just petrol cost.

I can RATIONALISE asking them, but I still don’t like the idea 😞
If this was your sibling, would you actually want them to say something?

I'd want you to say something. I'd hate for my sibling to be struggling because they're supporting our parents where I couldn't.

Is it time to have a more formal conversation about bringing in carers to help?

I would, yes, I think it makes sense, but understand that it’s difficult.

Look at it this way - by missing bills or cutting back on food or whatever, you're endangering your own and your child / children's security, so no matter how much you dislike something, you're going to have to put your objective big girl pants on and talk to your siblings.

Hopefully your siblings genuinely don't realise, as opposed to deliberately withholding or passing off: if you were my sister, I'd be horrified that you had been forced to default on payments and would absolutely contribute. But you have to speak to them!

I agree with PPs that it may also be time for a conversation about employing carers on a more formal basis, especially if your parents aren't struggling financially.

Not at all U. I expect siblings (in law) to pay towards things for MIL. It's unacceptable that the financial burden falls to you on top of the physical one.

Just say what you've said here - that you've hesitated to send the email as you feel awkward asking but that you need them to contribute. Spell out exactly how much it is costing you & ask how they think the costs should be fairly split. Hopefully they feel already feel slightly guilty about leaving it all to you and will be more than happy to help out. Why should you feel bad?!!

Having been in a very similar situation, I suspect that it hasn't occurred to your sibling the real impact of your parents' care needs. And if they are half decent people, they'll be mortified that they hadn't stepped up before.

Maybe email them and say that you think it's time to have a proper convo about your parents' needs. Ask when would be a good time for a FaceTime chat. Make sure the kids are out of the way and then discuss

• housing needs
• health concerns
• power of attorney if not already arranged
• carers
• support they can do from their end eg online shopping, regular phone calls etc
• an honest update on how this is impacting you and your family - financially, time commitments, phone calls to docs, random appointments, etc,

Honestly OP, you owe it to yourself and your DC to have this conversation. You need to address this now because I'm afraid it's not going to get better, this is a long term responsibility that needs to be shared.

The OP indicates the parents "have money" so the siblings wouldn't be paying for the parents care - the parents would.

Hi OP,
I don't think you should be asking your siblings for money for your petrol (or time?) when it is your parents care and your parents can afford it.

You say your parents would be mortified if you asked them - are you intending to keep your siblings help a secret so your parents think you are selflessly driving about and helping them but your siblings are paying you? That doesn't seem right to me.

I would keep it simple. "Parents the cost of everything is going up and I'm starting to miss bills. I'm not going to be able to come over unless you can cover my petrol. I also need to look for a second job/overtime so I will be available less - I'll keep you informed".

Then if your parents choose to give you £100 quid a week to keep your Saturdays free that's fine. If not you need that second job and they will have to look for paid care/cleaning/taxis when they need them.

You mention you are a single mum. How old are your kids. Isn't this care impacting on them when you already work?

Just ask your parents.

I would feel really awkward if a sibling asked me for money.

I've said YABU, not because I think you shouldn't have financial help with costs you're incurring helping your parents, but because I don't think it should be your siblings chipping in.

I think you need to talk to your parents. You've said they're not struggling and can afford to pay the costs you need to cover when you run to them, I really really think you need to sit down and explain that you need some help.

You've said your fear is that they won't ask you again if you broach it, from embarrassment that they'd not considered it - who would they ask instead? If they need help to that degree they'll have to ask someone and it sounds like you're their only option?

Do they know you're missing work to come to them (and not getting paid as a result!) or do they think you're free/taking paid leave? What sort of occurrences are you having to run to that you're missing work? Are they proper emergencies or is there just an expectation that you'll come immediately regardless?

I really think you need to sit down and talk to them, make clear you want to help and don't mind at all, but you can't afford to miss work / pay petrol and it's causing you some real problems so can they help you work out what to do.

They might decide they'll cover your costs and you carry on as you are, or they might decide they'll get taxis etc where they can and only call on you when they really need to.

You could also ask a sibling to talk to them on your behalf, if you think it would be better recieved from an intermediary and they'd be less embarrassed etc.

I would talk to your parents first
DD provides bulk of care for my DM with dementia and we pay her an hourly rate
Despite that Mum realises other things cost and is always saying to both of us ‘don’t leave yourself short’ every few weeks she’ll give us her card to get fuel for car or insists we put a few bits of our food shopping in with her bill when we do her shopping

I've reflected a little more since my post. Having read other posts, I agree that your parents have some responsibility too. Maybe a 3 way convo between parents, you and your sibling?

Agree what the needs are and how to address them. Outsource what you can either to sibling or other provider. Find hospital transport tel no that they can use for appts. Get them to get a cleaner. Apply for carers and/or attendance allowance if appropriate which can be used to help cover your petrol costs. Unless it's an emergency, refuse to take time off work - they'll have to find another solution.

Remind your parents that you'd love to be a family visitor when you go to theirs, not a carer.

If they continue to lean on you more than is reasonable, your sibling can step in and remind them what was agreed and how their demands are impacting their daughter and grandchildren.

Someone else made a good point on a different thread that it makes financial sense for elderly parents to pay for everything related to their care (your lost earnings, petrol etc) if they are sitting on cash/assets. It ultimately reduced the IHT in the event of their eventual death.

So regardless of whether or not you or your siblings can afford it, your parents should cover your costs. I assume you and your siblings would be beneficiaries of their estate so so may as well access those funds now prior to them being taxed than at a later date.

I think you should ask your parents, not your siblings. Neither you nor your siblings are responsible for financially supporting your comfortably off parents!

And if you can't/don't to do something, then just say no!

Op it may be that your parents get attendance allowance.
This a long term situation you need to have a conversation with them.
Good luck its not easy.

You talk to your parents, no matter how mortified they might be that they didn't realise. It's for them to help you financially if you supporting them leaves you financially compromised, not your siblings.

My Dad often used to offer me petrol money and I refused because I'm comfortably off - however, I would have taken it if I were not.

If it's costing you £35 in petrol each time, it must be quite a distance? Surely someone has copped on that that's going to cost you time and money? Are your siblings assuming that your parents are paying you? If not, they're being a wee bit cheeky, I think - or they're choosing not to think about it too much.

You need to ask your parents OP and explain to your siblings as well and get a plan in place to deal with this and other issues that are going to arise

Talking to my parents about the financial implications just isn’t an option, for reasons that I won’t go into as it would be too outing. But thank you to everyone who has commented. I am taking on board everyone’s comments and am very grateful for your input

I don't know what needs your parents have

Suggest that they apply separately for attendance allowance (there are 2 types) & it is not means tested. This will give them extra money to pay for health/ living needs

Also agree get power of attorney in place for both of them. There are 2 sorts health & financial. You don't need a solicitor, you can print off, pay & send the forms off. You don't need to use the POA until it is time, but you will have POA ready to use. Plus wills

You can also refuse to do some tasks & suggest that they buy in some outside help

Parents can be exasperating sometimes !

My parent sometimes asks me to give them a lift to the hospital for their appointments

The taxi costs approx £20

It takes me 3.5 to 8 hours depending on the traffic to drive one way to their location. I am happy to do this if it is on my days off work & I can spend a couple of days visiting & helping out with other things that need doing. But I am not available all the time. The cost is a lot more than £20 for me.

Attendance allowance was awarded successfully

Sometimes I have said no, I cannot help, so they get the taxi

What I am trying to say is that you need to balance your life & their requests/ needs for help

It is OK for you to say NO sometimes (perhaps you need a weekend to rest instead)

Can they pay for a cleaner, gardener, taxi, hand person, shop online

Do they have friends or neighbours who can help ?

I understand asking people for money is uncomfortable but I think in this case you just have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable IYSWIM.

If you were my sibling I'd be glad you told me, so I could help out financially and still feel guilty it all falls on you emotionally.