To ask for financial help (not from mumsnet!)

[BillyNotQuiteNoMates]

Simple back story - Single mum, working long hours to support immediate family. Siblings doing well, but living abroad. Parents living a “reasonable” drive away, not too far, but an “inconvenient distance” when taking into account working long hours. Parents not in good health, and rely on me when they are unwell. Siblings keep saying “thanks” and “they wish they could help” but not actually suggesting anything.
Issue is that I’m more than happy to go running, but frankly it’s expensive. It’s an unpaid shift plus £35 petrol everytime. The last two months I’ve had missed bills because I just didn’t have the money to pay them. My parents have money, but I know that if I ask them they’d be mortified that they hadn’t considered it and wouldn’t ask me for help next time, when they need it.
So question is, WIBU to ask siblings for a bit of financial help? Would you be offended if you were in their shoes?

YADNBU OP and personally I think it's really shitty that your siblings haven't already proactively suggested contributing financially.

When my DF was end of life, one of my siblings was able (and wanted) take unpaid leave and care for him. My other sibling and I immediately offered (and did) cover her loss of earnings and other expenses, and were only to happy to do this.

Dear siblings

As you know, I am very happy to support DD and DM. But I do have to confess I am struggling with the finances of this. Every time I go to see them it costs approx £35 in petrol, and my commitment to them means I can't get a Saturday job, which I was otherwise considering. Is there any way that we as a family can share this burden and help me to be able to pay my family's bills despite this extra cost?

Don't ask your siblings if you won't ask the people actually responsible for your costs. That's ridiculous.

If your parents have money, why not raise it with them rather than your siblings?
Not an easy conversation, but I'm sure if face to face it can be handled sensitively so as not to embarrass them/make them feel guilty about not offering before.

Your parents do sound a bit prickly - Can you get siblings on board with a strategy to get parents to offer? How would your parents react if one of your siblings mentioned casually to them that

'It must be costing Dsis a fair bit to keep doing the journey to you, and I know she's had to miss work a few times, is she doing OK money wise? Do you think we should check in with her to see if she needs any help with the costs? I know she'd never ask for money, I'd hate her to be struggling though.'

Or something like that, that would give them the chance to offer you help, and save face by being the ones to bring it up rather than being embarrassed that they'd not thought of it, iyswim?

Totally agree with this poster, and having unfortunately been the sibling who lived too far away to be of any help, I would have wanted my siblings to speak up if I could have helped financially in any way. Thankfully, I know that this wasn't the case, as they lived very close by, and were reasonably well off, but I would have hated to think they suffered and had to go without, when they were the ones putting in all the hard work.

Maybe they know that their parents have plenty of money and have assumed they are covering the costs? It makes no sense to get the siblings to pay rather than the parents. They can't take their money with them.

I'm really sorry that no one in your family has even considered this, so you're not being unreasonable at all.

Do your parents receive Attendance Allowance? That is what it's for, to help with the costs of their care.

I do a lot for my dad and every month he fills up my petrol tank using money from his allowance. It covers the many miles I do for him, hospital appointments, shopping etc etc and it helps enormously. You're not asking to be paid as such but I think it's 100% fair that if there's money there, you're not left out of pocket in terms of petrol/expenses etc.

Do a group video chat and tell them the truth. Everytime you attend to an emergency related to your parents it costs you money you don't have. Tell them they need to help or you all put together some kind of plan for or with your parents.

It's impossible to say how your siblings will react because I don't know them.

What I can say is that if I was your sibling I'd welcome a conversation and would actually feel mortified I'd not helped you out previously.

I think a pp nailed it in suggesting a "wider" conversation with your siblings about care and responsibilities.

It would enable you to be frank about your situation without the focus being "I need you to contribute" as an initial segway into the topic.

That said, I don't think you should feel embarrassed about asking for financial support in this respect.

I appreciate you don't want to disclose why you can't ask your parents, but realistically they should (if only for inheritance tax purposes) be paying your costs.

In the absence of that possibility it's unfair for you to carry that financial burden alone.

Though be prepared for a rebuttal from your siblings though this might be dependent on the reasons why you can't have this conversation with your parents.

What I would say is please don't fall into the trap of sacrificing your (and your children's welfare) to support your parents.

Sometimes you need to know it's ok to draw a hard line even when it's emotionally challenging.

I'd be mortified if you asked me for money.

Ask your parents.

They wouldn’t accept help from anyone else. They won’t even have an occupational health assessment, nor consider a care package. Believe me, we’ve all tried.

So they expect you to do everything, in spite of the fact you're missing work to do it? And not even thinking to put their hand in their pocket occasionally to help with fuel costs etc?

My god. That's monumentally selfish.

What if next time they called you to come to them you said 'I'm really sorry Mum, I can't, I've not got enough petrol in the car and I've no money to buy more this month.'?

Yes asks them. If they’re saying thanks and wishing they could do something to help. Then when they say it again or bring it up. Then explain like you have here that you don’t want to ask parents as then they won’t ask for help when they need it.

Perfect message. Good luck op 💐

That’s selfish of them . They are placing all the burden on you . They must realise petrol cost money . Plus you lose a shift . They should be paying you . You said they would be mortified to find you struggling and wouldn’t ask you if they needed you again , but going by what you just said , who would they ask then ?

Additionally, the more the OP posts about her parents, the more I'm starting to understand why the other siblings have moved away...

This - there reaches a point where they have to make a choice either financially help you to help or get carers in. It is sadly a choice most of us will have to make

you can’t sacrifice yourself for them or expect your siblings too

If I were your sibling I would be going to your parents and saying they need to be realistic and start paying for help. That they can't expect you to drop everything all the time.

Unfortunately though, it is your parents you need to speak to. If you can't, as you say, only other option is to just stop dropping everything and give them a day/time when you can next pop by.

Pressed send too soon. They aren't going to face the reality of their situation now while you are stepping in all the time.

I'd be more put out if they didn't tbh

Not being a dick but it’s occupational therapy not health assessment they’ve declined. One is for home support/equipment and one is for work.

it’s such a shame (I’m community OT) as there’s so much that can be supplied and installed that can really make such a difference. Increased safety and independence plus reduced care needs.

ANYWAY. Yes I would talk to siblings. If they don’t know the hopefully they’ll step up and provide some money. If they do know then they’ve proved their selfishness and you have further decisions to make.

I see patients who put upon family way too much and it makes me so cross. We have services in the U.K. for this reason. I’ve had to almost give permission to family members at breaking point to step away.