To think "sorry I am a terrible person" is a crap apology

[doctaub]

Is it just me, or is this laced with more self pity than actual meaningful remorse?

I often say this after being caught laughing at something inappropriate or non-pc.

I agree. I think it is almost as bad as - I'm sorry you feel that way.

Need context - what had the apologiser done?

It is manipulating. Did you not realise that the next step is for you to jump in and reassure them they aren’t a terrible person.

Yes it’s shit if it’s a serious apology. I knew someone once and I asked him if he felt bad that I treated people the way he did and he said “yes, every day of my life” and it was just hateful! Full of faux remorse and just total self pity. If said in jest though it’s funny.

My best friend did something incredibly thoughtless and shitty to me. I spoke to her about it and she said ‘I just keep disappointing everyone’ - like I should feel sorry for her that she keeps hurting people. It removed any kind of sincerity from her apology for me.

To me this is ultimate passive agressive. Dh does it always, then mil did it also. So I know where he learned.
He does something wrong, and I feel shit about it because he "always does everything wrong, nothing right". Or is it gaslighting. Or are the two connected.

It's just my DH's typical apology and I find it really winds me up!

I would hate it too!

It’s really a non-apology.

It’s said to take spotlight away from how bad you feel and make you feel bad for them and for “making” them feel bad.

Ultimate in manipulation. Up there with “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

My ex used to be like that and if challenged on anything he did that hurt me would find any way to spin it that I’d made him feel bad for calling him out. But he’d do it in such a way that it would end up being me apologising to him when it was him being abusive.

I hate it when people use an opportunity to take accountability for their actions as a route to gain sympathy.

Thanks for not thinking I am imagining how annoying this is!

Come to think of it, all the apologies I get from my DH are a bit "poor me". I always find this quite annoying. Like "I am a bad person" or "I am sorry I made you sad".

I'd much prefer "I am sorry I didn't consider you when I it was selfish and thoughtless".

So much better!

this

I agree with you. It's not an apology it's an excuse pretending to be an apology

I usually do, then yesterday got bored and more or less said what I said here - then felt guilty! Hence the post!

Some people just are shit. They know it. But people who marry them live in denial.

Someone once said to me "I can only apologise" which seemed to me to be a right cop-out but not worth bothering to argue with, but I did feel like saying "Well all right... go on then!".

He does something wrong, and I feel shit about it because he "always does everything wrong, nothing right". Or is it gaslighting. Or are the two connected.

Surely the answer is 'so stop doing things wrong then.' 'You've got things wrong this times - that's no reason to keep on doing it'.

Don't engage with, or ask, questions. Make simple statements. State facts. 'You've ballsed this up. I feel really sad that you showed me so little thought or consideration.' etc.

I believe the correct response is along the lines of: well now you have realised this, you can learn to do better and be better next time.

That's definitely a narcissistic one. I sat with a friend many years ago in a medical board setting over the death of her spouse. All we heard was "Well if you want an apology you can have one"
Suffice to say no apology was ever actually spoken.
Yes OP it's manipulative and a cop out.

Yeah it's a technique to shut down any accountability for them taking feedback on board, being responsible for their own actions, learning from mistakes etc. At best childish and at worst part of a narcissistic abusers playbook..

Ha ha ha ha ha!!! Amazing, I am totally trying this.

Yes, you're right. This woman was definitely a manipulative user.

Yes, when my friend gave me zero support when I lost a sibling and instead went on and on about her endless quarrels with her partner. I remember her whining on the phone to me: ‘I’m such a bad friend, aren’t I?’

Wish I’d just said:’Well yes actually, you are’ now.

The answer is
Yes you are, you are inconciderate and thoughtless.
Then just walk away.