To think "sorry I am a terrible person" is a crap apology

[doctaub]

Is it just me, or is this laced with more self pity than actual meaningful remorse?

I think it’s got more than a hint of passive aggressive sarcasm to it. It’s hugely insincere and would make it all worse for me.

Yup, in a real argument, it's just a passive aggressive non-apology, usually designed for the person saying it to revert to "victim" status while you're both the baddy AND the person who now has to prop them up.

I have zero patience for this. It's manipulative and controlling. And quite honestly OP, I find myself wondering if there are 1000000000 more examples of him being passive aggressive and controlling in your life. I'll put money that there are.

it's sarcasm. she/he is not sorry on the slightest.

Wasn't it meant to be sarcastic? I can't imagine saying it unless I am taking the piss of someone whingeing about nonsense.

I think the parent-child response here is a good one.

"You're not a terrible person, but that is terrible behaviour. What are you going to do differently in the future to ensure that you don't behave like that again?"

"Terrible person" and "apology" don't go well together at all.

Definitely. I used to follow the influencer Jack Monroe until she apologised in this way when she was called out for not being transparent about charity donations.

It's gaslighting because as PPs have said, it's a sympathy play but also, it takes focus off the actual thing that the person needs to apologise for.

In 12 Step Recovery programmes we have to make amends to the people we hurt when in addiction and are strongly encouraged to be as specific as possible about what it was we did; give the other person plenty of space to say how our wrongdoing affected them, listen properly to them, and apologise.

Oh yes and do our very best to be different in the future.

If you obfuscate all that with a blanket self-pitying statement then you are basically giving yourself carte blanche to do exactly the same thing whenever you feel like it.

Depends what it is said in relation to really.

Saying I'm sorry you feel that way can be legitimate as well.

I certainly used that if a customer was being an unreasonable angry twat when I worked in a shop or restaurant. They didn't deserve an actual apology as no-one had done anything wrong, except them.

Also I've said "I'm sorry, I'm a terrible person and clearly doing everything in my life wrong" intentionally sarcastically when my dad was being hypercritical.

So the context is everything, for me.

FIL does this and he's a manipulative controlling twat. As a result (and for a few other reasons) we are very LC with both him and MIL (as she tries to sweep everything under the carpet).

On the other side I've said this to my ex before... at the point of absolute exasperation when he has been criticizing me and picking at me and healing pressure on me and I couldn't handle any more, when I was pregnant and totally over whelmed.

It could be a cry for help or could communicate he really doesn't feel appreciated or anything he does do is acknowledged.

I think you should both have a chat about giving and receiving feedback in a relationship and agree some ground rules for this x

You could also share with him a framework (easily googlable) what you do expect from an apology to make you feel better

Eg stating what he's done, acknowledging the impact it had on you and confirming he's taking action to not do it again

Yes "sorry I'm such a useless dad, sorry for being so stupid, sorry I can't do anything right" then leads to you needing to offer comfort and support of you're not a bad dad you're not stupid but please think before you do XYZ or try it a different way, versus having a sensible conversation between adults.

I think it can be said for different reasons.

Giving the impression that they feel terrible so your attention is diverted to being sympathetic.

Said in the same sense as "I say it how it is, like it or lump it". AKA yes I'm terrible and I don't care how you feel or what you think.

Sarcastically in response to unnecessary criticism ie when my husband gets too moany I sometimes retort that hopefully his next wife will be up to the job spec since I'm obviously failing in the role.

Only the third is OK I think because it's mildly humorous and is usually a challenge to unreasonable behaviour. The first two are just arsehole-ish.