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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Advice for friend situation

46 replies

InAPickle12345 · 13/09/2023 14:24

Need some advice on a friend situation that has come to a head for me today.

Have been best friends with Anna (not real name) for 12 years. We have been through thick and thin together and have been a great support to one another. I love her dearly. The last nearly 2 years thought I’m struggling with the relationship and feeling taken for granted.

Long story short, my friend is short on money all the time. I don’t actually understand how as she has increased her wage about €10k in that time and has minimal necessary expenditure and no debt. (I have built her a budget tracker at her request to help with this).

She is forever at a wedding, or birthday, or out to dinner with her BF or other friends etc and plans with me are now never prioritised and invariably cancelled due to lack of funds on her end. So far I’ve gotten over it, just cancelled or if we were due to have dinner or drinks, I’ve just hosted at my house instead.

But today I’m a bit cross, there’s an event that we love and always try to go to. We’ve had the accommodation and dinner bookings for months… and she’s messaged today to say she can’t go, can’t afford it, she’s sorry. It wouldn’t be terribly expensive, say £150, and she’s had months to squirrel away money. I’m just really disappointed and have drafted a message saying that I feel it’s always me getting the cut but she can afford other events but I just want to know AIBU before I send this.

Couple of points to note - whenever she is low on cash she comes to me, it might be a loan of £100 to £300 and is always paid back a month or so later, but it’s starting to grate on me.

She’s also had a hard time with anxiety and work recently so I don’t want to stress her further if IABU, I know she is short on money, but to me it seems this is because of mismanagement, lack of planning etc.

So Mumsnet, should I call her out on this?

OP posts:

BrawnWild · 13/09/2023 14:26

As she paid her share? Can you still go?

BrawnWild · 13/09/2023 14:28

My advice would be to be breezy if you arent out of pocket and then only plan to meet her to do free stuff and stop lending her money.

weeRagamuffin · 13/09/2023 14:34

I would leave it. Don't press send.

Try to go with somebody else if at all possible.

I agree with yr interpretation as often I get bumped/cancelled. I think my friends know I'm loyal, know I'm understanding, know I won't call them out, also, often, our friendship might be one to one and some group event crops up and it's more exciting.

So I've just faded away from a few people who repeatedly did this to me.

amiboverd · 13/09/2023 14:34

It sounds like neither of you have paid you so you haven't lost out. Is that right? I wouldn't push her on it as she either can't afford it or doesn't want to go although if it's been planned for months that's still annoying.

Can you go with someone else?

Dont make plans with her and don't lend her money. I stop making plans with people who cancel or pull out forever especially if it's happening a lot.

The thing is you don't know how many other things she is saying no to and she genuinely seems to have money issues. A wedding is a bigger event but then this sounds like a mini break so it is shit of her.

Now I'm thinking she's a close friend so (assuming you are not out of pocket) just tell her you're disappointed as you've been looking forward to it and it's been planned for months. I wouldn't say you're the one who always is cut as this makes it about you and I think she is the problem.

weeRagamuffin · 13/09/2023 14:35

Next time she asks for money, pretend you didn't hear.

Original poster

InAPickle12345 · 13/09/2023 14:35

The accommodation has not been paid yet, it was held on Booking.com so we can cancel up to next week and not be out of pocket. I held the dinner reservation and may lose max £20pp but I need to double check that.

I could still go, on my own at this late notice potentially, but I was really looking forward to spending time with her and I'm just feeling really hurt she, yet again, didn't prioritise this time with me.

OP posts:

menopausalbloat · 13/09/2023 14:36

I'd stop being her crutch when she needs money.
Sometimes when we rely on other people too much. we start to take them for granted.

Original poster

InAPickle12345 · 13/09/2023 14:38

I did actually say no to her the last time she asked for a loan. She cancelled another meet up because she couldn't afford it, then 2 days later messaged asking for a £300 loan as she had birthdays and a wedding coming up. I told her Summer was expensive with my son so I couldn't afford it which was a lie, I was just hurt and a bit pissed off.

OP posts:

Lavender14 · 13/09/2023 14:40

To be honest I think it depends on how much you value the friendship. If you do I'd speak to her in person (not by text) and explain that you feel this happens a lot but she's prioritising socialising with others and then letting you down repeatedly. I'd say that you've always tried to support her because you care about her but you're starting to feel undervalued as a result and you'd like to see her make changes and either commit to things that are free, or follow through if she says she's going to. Then I'd watch to see what she does. If she doesn't make changes I'd just let the friendship drift.

Tinkerbyebye · 13/09/2023 14:40

I would just go back and say I am disappointed, as it’s something we always do, but it seems like you now have other priorities such as weddings, parties etc so maybe it’s best we don’t book anything in the future.

then I would wait and see when she nexts contacts you. And if she wants a loan it’s a sorry I don’t have any spare cash

if I wanted to do something she suggested I may do it, but I wound no longer be organising anything and would focus on my other friends

MermaidEyes · 13/09/2023 14:45

I'd stop lending her money. You're just enabling her bad finance planning by being the bank of friend. I'd stick to getting together when it's something cheap, like a coffee out or lunch at your house.

Original poster

InAPickle12345 · 13/09/2023 14:45

Lavender14 · 13/09/2023 14:40

I value this friendship above all others tbh, I love her dearly. I just feel totally taken for granted and like I'm here for all of the hard stuff (which I want to be) but get none of the fun stuff. I think you're right, if the friendship is to last I have to say something. I was inclined to go with a text outlining my feelings so she had a chance to read, absorb and respond to my thoughts without me putting her on the spot and further exacerbating her anxiety. What do you think?

OP posts:

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 13/09/2023 14:54

My 'bff' always pleaded poverty.. Coffees and lunches were always on me. Car parking tickets added up as it was always me who travelled...
Accepted it as I considered her a great friend.. Until the day she rocked up in a Mercedes convertable.. Felt a total mug. Backed away and our friendship changed. Good enough to pass the school days away with(when our dc were at school) but not an equal friendship.. Proved it to myself one end of term when I breezily declared I would see her in September then and she smiled and agreed.
Fair weather friends op. Not worth your time sadly.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 13/09/2023 14:56

You might love her dearly but does she love you dearly?

Stop loaning her money for a start. Don't make any more plans with her, she obviously doesn't prioritise you and I'm betting once you stop being her personal ATM she won't want to be friends anymore anyway.

WtfHormones · 13/09/2023 15:01

Yes tell her how you feel. Your feelings are valid. I wouldn't say call her out on it though, that's a bit like telling her off and this might just be how she is, you may have to accept that she's shit with money but that does not mean that you ever have to lend her money. It seems like you need very tight boundaries with her.

usernother · 13/09/2023 15:01

I wouldn't reply to the message and don't contact her again. See what she comes back with. You may love her but you are at the bottom of her priorities unless she wants something, which means she doesn't value you as much. Don't lend her money. If you find it hard to say no tell her you're putting all your spare money into a savings account that doesn't have easy access.

IHateFlies · 13/09/2023 15:07

I'm sorry. It she doesn't value you. She might be hoping that you'll pay for her.
Definitely don't do that.
Don't reply to her message and just go with someone else or by yourself.
Sometimes, when you're distant and uninterested, people like that start to make more of an effort.

Original poster

InAPickle12345 · 13/09/2023 15:09

So sorry to drop feed but I should also mention that 4 years ago, she came into some money after a car accident she had had. I don't know how much it was but it was definitely 10s of 1000s. Don't know where this money has gone BUT, she did pay for flights for me to come on holiday with her and this was £700. I paid other expenses myself.

She's not always been like this, it's really the last 2 years or so.

OP posts:

Original poster

InAPickle12345 · 13/09/2023 15:11

I know if I don't respond to her, this will totally stress her out. We speak a couple of times a week so not responding would really be seen as me calling quits on the friendship. So I do think I have to respond in some way.

OP posts:

LindseysDoily · 13/09/2023 15:18

So, you are not allowed to call her out on this behaviour? Hmmm.....

EvilElsa · 13/09/2023 15:19

She doesn't feel the same way about your friendship. Sorry OP. You are the "sure thing". The one she can cadge money from at short notice, the one she can bin off with no repercussions for a better offer. She doesn't dislike you, you are just not that special.
This doesn't mean you have to dump her, but you do need to lower your expectations to her level. No more lends, no more "expensive" trips planned. The odd drink and text chat is fine. Treat her how she treats you.
I probably would send a short reply saying I was disappointed at the last minute cancellation and would speak to her soon. Then take a step back and make plans with more reliable friends. No more cash hand outs though-don't be a doormat!

LookItsMeAgain · 13/09/2023 15:22

In relation to this comment in a post of yours @InAPickle12345 -
"I value this friendship above all others tbh, I love her dearly" I hate to be so blunt but it is very clear that she doesn't allocate the same value to the friendship that you do. If she did, she would be moving heaven and earth to make sure that she had the necessary funds to do the things with you that you enjoy doing together.
She isn't doing that.

I found this on line:
"Following contact with these people, we may have a warm feeling that lasts long after they've left; these people are our radiators. Other social contacts will leave us feeling tired, depressed, doubting ourselves and our abilities and feeling depleted, these people are our drains."
Which one is she?

PacificState · 13/09/2023 15:27

I wouldn't text, I'd ask her out for a coffee or a drink somewhere neutral and pretty much say what you've said here (including that you value her friendship above all others and love her dearly). Obviously none of us know the woman (or you!) but I don't get the sense she doesn't value you - more that you're safe/intimate enough for her to feel able to let you down. And so far you haven't let her know that it's hurtful, so she's been assuming you're ok with it.

LookItsMeAgain · 13/09/2023 15:27

InAPickle12345 · 13/09/2023 15:11

Her being stressed out sounds really like a 'her' problem to address though and not a 'you' problem to address?
Let her stew.
Perhaps a couple of days longer between responses might give her time to think about how she treats you.

Just because she paid for a holiday for you (you paid all other expenses while on holiday that you incurred) some years ago, does not give her a 'Get out of Jail Free' card so to speak.

She needs to do better here.

amiboverd · 13/09/2023 15:31

I think respond and say you're disappointed and ask her to check with the restaurant whether you both owe anything (and I'd let her pay that tbh)

you sound like a good friend though OP

but it sounds like maybe she means more to you than you do to her and it's going to keep bothering you as you clearly feel taken for granted

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