Advice for friend situation

[InAPickle12345]

Need some advice on a friend situation that has come to a head for me today.

Have been best friends with Anna (not real name) for 12 years. We have been through thick and thin together and have been a great support to one another. I love her dearly. The last nearly 2 years thought I’m struggling with the relationship and feeling taken for granted.

Long story short, my friend is short on money all the time. I don’t actually understand how as she has increased her wage about €10k in that time and has minimal necessary expenditure and no debt. (I have built her a budget tracker at her request to help with this).

She is forever at a wedding, or birthday, or out to dinner with her BF or other friends etc and plans with me are now never prioritised and invariably cancelled due to lack of funds on her end. So far I’ve gotten over it, just cancelled or if we were due to have dinner or drinks, I’ve just hosted at my house instead.

But today I’m a bit cross, there’s an event that we love and always try to go to. We’ve had the accommodation and dinner bookings for months… and she’s messaged today to say she can’t go, can’t afford it, she’s sorry. It wouldn’t be terribly expensive, say £150, and she’s had months to squirrel away money. I’m just really disappointed and have drafted a message saying that I feel it’s always me getting the cut but she can afford other events but I just want to know AIBU before I send this.

Couple of points to note - whenever she is low on cash she comes to me, it might be a loan of £100 to £300 and is always paid back a month or so later, but it’s starting to grate on me.

She’s also had a hard time with anxiety and work recently so I don’t want to stress her further if IABU, I know she is short on money, but to me it seems this is because of mismanagement, lack of planning etc.

So Mumsnet, should I call her out on this?

In this instance I would not reply right now. Take some time to think it over.

I would cancel the booking and ignore the message from friend. Leave her on read for a bit and let her feel what it's like to be let down. Take all the time you need to decide what, if anything, you really want to say because it could lead to the end of the friendship. But that might not be a bad thing.

For context, my close friends are the ones I'll say 'god I'm knackered/not in the mood, do you mind if we cancel'. With less close friends I'm more minded to force myself to keep to arrangements (and then not enjoy myself). My close friends will also say 'yes I do bloody mind you lazy cow, get your arse over here' if that's how they feel!

She does need to stop leaning on you for money though. Borrowing off friends in this way will always cause weird dynamics in the friendship - maybe it's making her feel uncomfortable too, it's a bit parent-child rather than adult-adult, so maybe she's starting to treat you more like mum/dad than like a friend? So I'd cut that short. Helping with spreadsheets etc is great but she can't keep tapping you up for cash. If she's paying you back she obviously has the money, she's just not budgeting for her cash flow.

Thanks so much for all the responses, they've been really helpful.

A number of you have said that it's not that she doesn't value me, it's that in the safe bet and it's easier to let me down because I'll just say 'Okay love, no problem'. But that's not good enough really is it? For context, I'm mid 30s single Mum and she is early 40s no children - I still budget time and money to invest in this relationship because I value it so much. I'm hurt she doesn't do the same and I'm even hurt I may need to point this out to her.

No, it's absolutely not good enough to be the safe bet friend. She is clearly not prepared to be this for you in return.

When we meet @LookItsMeAgain we have a great time, we know each other so well and we confide things in each other we wouldn't do with anyone else. She's my ride or die and she says that I'm hers. I do think time with each other nourishes both of us, but I obviously put more effort into prioritising this.

It's not that I can't @LindseysDoily it's just that I want to do it in such a way that doesn't cause huge amounts of additional stress to her

Do you think she's going to be stressed at the thought of upsetting you or stressed waiting for you to say 'don't worry, I'll pay?' @InAPickle12345

Actually if you did respond saying 'oh sorry you can't come, will we catch up with a coffee later on?' Would this reply also be seen as friendship ending?

I think you can and should have the conversation but don't do it by email.

Definitely let her know how you feel, but maybe sleep on it before pressing send.

As for the money, stop lending it to her.

Actually, you don't need to reply. You're bending over backwards to be considerate towards her as well as lending her money whilst she thinks nothing of cancelling you repeatedly.
If you really feel you need to reply, send a short message saying something like: That's disappointing. And nothing more. And don't reply to any messages from her thereafter until she bothers to ask you what's wrong.

"I know if I don't respond to her, this will totally stress her out."

Why is her reaction your responsibility?
She's marching all over you and you feel the need to protect her? It's not as if you were considering sending a horrible message to her (many would), but for some reason you are nervous of sending her a response that she won't "like".
Perhaps, like most entitled people, she doesn't like being called out in any way.

It seems to me that you're nervous of dealing with her response. Has she made you feel uncomfortable in the past? Like making you feel guilty that you "caused her stress"? Do you think she is taking any responsibility for her behaviour?

This is not an equal relationship. Kindly, I'd suggest you have a look into why you are accepting this for yourself. I think you sound like a very good friend and don't deserve this treatment.

I don't agree with "calling her out" but I do think you should honestly tell her how this has made you feel. Maybe wait a few days before you do this though so that the immediate emotion can die down a little.

And if there are cancellation fees then of course she should pay it all and not 50/50.

No, I don't think so. I think she would be relieved to be honest that I've just accepted it and moved on and she can save or spend her money elsewhere. But I'm now kind of sick of accepting it, which is my issue. Do you think I should just accept and move on do you think?

"I'm sorry to hear about your change of plan. I am disappointed as I was really looking forward to doing this with you."

Nothing else. Ball is in her court.

That's what I'd do, anyway.

I’d say something, it’s only going to fester otherwise. If you’re as good friends as you think you are, you should be able to send a straight forward message of along the lines of “Thanks for letting me know, obviously I’m disappointed as I was looking forward to this with you. And it does sting a bit that when money is tight, I’m usually the person you choose to cancel plans with. Happy to still meet up with you but perhaps we should stick to low or no cost activities in future to stop this happening’l

The way that @StressBless has worded a response is actually very good. It gets your point across to your friend @InAPickle12345 but leaves your friend a teeny tiny bit of wiggle room when she could say that she's sorry you're the one she cancels plans on and yes she'd prefer to low/no cost activities going forwards.

That is the wording I'd use or I'd say to her over the phone in a chat.

If she's such a good friend (and sorry I didn't read all responses so sorry if I'm repeating myself) I'd definitely say something. If you don't resentment builds (as it already has). I would be mortified if I did something a friend found so upsetting and I had no idea. I'm generally shit with money, even on a good salary I spend way too much and often won't have something spare at end of month or been known to stick things on a credit card (yes even things I'm aware of and have prebooked as I keep thinking I have time to pay for it until...surprise it's here!). It just might be that she feels secure in your friendship and knows (or thinks she knows) that you won't hold a grudge/be cross if she cancels last minute. You know how she thinks that? Because you've allowed it to go on.

I personally would respond and say you're quite disappointed, was looking forward to it and considered it a "your" thing so not going would make you really sad. Ask if there is any chance you could loan her the money (if you can afford to) and she pays back next month (as you have in past) and still go as it's important to you and for your friendship. Then once you're there (as she'll hopefully take you up on it) have an honest discussion and explain how cancelling last minute or always being left out of her "budget" hurts. Tell her you value her friendship and wish to spend time with her and occasionally do fun things. Say you understand she's got lots going on but you would like to have some things set in stone and you have a rule where you aren't allowed to cancel things due to budget issues unless a genuine reason/emergency for it. If she's a friend she will a. feel dreadful she made you feel like this and b. make sure she never does so again. If she becomes defensive/angry etc then she's no friend and perhaps it's best to cut your losses.

Thank you for this, this is worded really well and better than what I was thinking of sending. I'll try and work this into my response if it's by message.

The sad thing is, she's the one I love doing things with i.e. dinners, drinks etc so to say that we should only do low or no cost activities is such a shame but I think it's probably the only way forward.

F

You are a resource to her. If that’s ok, keep lending her money. Her friendship comes at quite a high price. Only you can decide because she’s isn’t going to change.