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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL favours her other grankids

48 replies

HowlingAtTheM00n · 13/09/2023 14:03

Just had my first baby. She's currently a week old. MIL hasn't even came to see her.
When her first grandchild was born ew years ago everyone in whole family, Including my husband was made to go to the hospital same day baby was born to meet it and have photos taken.
She's obsessed with her first grandchild (now 7) . Looks after her at weekends and few days a week when sons ex wife is working. She constantly rings my husband everyday and just talks all the time about her. She has other grandkids born 2 and 3 years later , although lives far away sees only on sundays when son brings them down and again had a photo opportunity and saw the baby within a few days. Posts photos all the time since a baby. Close in age 12 months apart and MIL calls them her twins.
My baby is 10 days old today and she hasn't even bothered to come see the baby. None of the family , Including FIL or brother has not seen the baby or asked about it . Aibu to think they all made a fuss over other sons babies but not ours? MIL buys other kids the world and hasn't bought ours one gift. Never even got a card. We were in town on monday picking up few things and she rang my husband she was also in town . It's a very small town. She didn't even ask to come meet us then and we were only a 2 minute drive away.
She has time to get her hair and nails done every Saturday.
To be honest I just kinda feel like our baby has been left out. It took us 13 years to have our miracle baby so I just find it very hurtful as its such a huge event in me and husbands lives .

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 13/09/2023 14:06

Congratulations on your new baby. Have you or your DH invited your MIL over?
Do you and your MIL get along?

WarIsPeace · 13/09/2023 14:09

Did you invite her to come on Monday, when she was nearby?

Which other days did you invite her and she declined to come and see the baby?

Congratulations on the long awaited baby but if you want her to meet the new arrival I'd honestly suggest a time for you to bring the baby over or invite her to you. Like an adult.

Rewis · 13/09/2023 14:18

How do they treat your husband in general?

Tweedledeee · 13/09/2023 14:21

I suspect the brother is the favourite son and now his DGC is the favourite GC.
it does seem the firstborn grandchild gets all the attention.
But this isn’t necessarily always a good thing.

WimpoleHat · 13/09/2023 14:23

Have you invited her specifically? Or said “do come anytime and meet the baby?”. From the number of threads on here complaining about visitors, she might be waiting for you to ask her when you’re ready……

DurhamDurham · 13/09/2023 14:24

They might be waiting for an invite. Of they might not be interested at all. You can't change their behaviour so, as hard as it seems, you need to concentrate on your own little family and enjoy that. What about your parents, have they met your baby yet? (Apologies if they're not on the scene)

HollaWithDaRisinSound · 13/09/2023 14:24

This is a big assumption to make for a ten day old baby

Original poster
HowlingAtTheM00n · 13/09/2023 14:47

She has a very close relationship with my husband. They talk most days.
When baby was born I told MIL if she wants to come hospital she's more than welcome.
When the baby was 3 days old , i sent her a photo of the baby and told her xx can't wait to meet her grandma. She replied " nice photo"
I had a difficult birth and spent the first few days in bed, so MIL knew I couldn't travel. On Friday she said she was busy at home to drive down. So..
On Saturday we were going to take the baby to her house and she claimed she was busy as was going to get her hair a wash and blow dry in town. We live 9 miles apart. She collects her first born grandchild from town 3 days a week and often travels 80 miles to see her other two but the journey 9 miles to here seems too difficult for her.
On Sunday I asked her again and she said she's going to lift her first grandchild so won't be at home

Then again this week since we were both 2 minutes away in town the excuse was she wanted to get home to get the dinner on.

I understand the baby is only 10 days old but am I wrong to think its quite odd that her priorities all her other 3 grandchildren and hair appointments ect rather than meeting our first born?
I don't think it's that she dosent want to meet her. I think its just more the fact oh its just another grandchild. I just feel its hurtful that she made a fuss of the other babies since day one and wonder if our baby is going to grow up feeling left out. Its the only grandmother she has

OP posts:
Original poster
HowlingAtTheM00n · 13/09/2023 14:50

P.s am I the only one who finds it baffling that someone would prioritise a wash and blow dry over seeing their new grand baby?

OP posts:
DuploTrain · 13/09/2023 14:51

That is very hurtful.

I would let your DH do all the communicating, arranging, sending photos etc. Give her as little thought and headspace as possible.

I also wouldn’t make the effort of taking the baby to her. She should make the effort for the first visit!

Tweedledeee · 13/09/2023 14:53

I know your baby is so special to you but it’s DGMs 4th grandchild. I think you will find interest grows once baby is older but it’s sad she can’t imagine how important it is to you and DH to see your perfect little first born.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/09/2023 14:57

Why do you only complain about MIL when it seems FIL hasn't either?

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 13/09/2023 14:59

Ime it has advantages.. No pressure on you to fit such people into your lives. Or do any dw work at Xmas and birthdays.. No considering them whatsoever.. I had the ils first dgc. So so interested. Hadn't been with dp long so still recent relationships all round. Sil gave birth to JC himself and we got dumped altogether..
Dp wouldn't have a word said against them so ultimately any bond was negligible.. Their loss op. Really it is. Your dc won't know. Step away and take the stress with you. Leave any visits to dh going forward. Feel free to be totally unavailable.

Upandonward · 13/09/2023 15:00

Has your DH asked her directly to come and visit or why she is not showing any interest in his newborn baby? Surely your DH is hurt about this too if they are close?

It’s a shitty attitude to have that the birth of a grandchild warrants a ‘meh’ response from an otherwise good relationship with them.

Beautiful3 · 13/09/2023 15:01

I know it's hurtful. But you'll have to just ignore it. If she wants to know, she'll phone/message/visit. You know your baby is loved by you both. Ignore her bad behaviour. I'm sure your husband will pull her up on it.

frumpalertt · 13/09/2023 15:02

God so many people being contrarian on here. What you are describing is obviously favouritism. It is screamingly self-evident. I'd be asking your husband to spend less time calling her and more time doing stuff at home.

readbooksdrinktea · 13/09/2023 15:03

She's probably waiting for an invitation. Visiting newborns seems to be a minefield these days.

Curseofthenation · 13/09/2023 15:06

That's awful and her behaviour sounds very deliberate. I would stop bothering. Your DH can deal with her. Enjoy your baby and focus on your friends and family. It's her loss.

KirstenBlest · 13/09/2023 15:28

We're only getting one side of the story, but it sounds like your MIL has an issue wth you.
It's your DH's place to sort this, and he needs to address it fom his viewpoint, not "You have upset my DW" way.

VickyEadieofThigh · 13/09/2023 15:29

How does your DH feel? Has he asked his mother why she's refusing invites to see her new grandchild?

VickyEadieofThigh · 13/09/2023 15:30

KirstenBlest · 13/09/2023 15:28

We're only getting one side of the story, but it sounds like your MIL has an issue wth you.
It's your DH's place to sort this, and he needs to address it fom his viewpoint, not "You have upset my DW" way.

I agree with this comment.

Notinthegroupchats · 13/09/2023 15:32

Thats very weird and hurtful. Enjoy your baby and congratulations x

GreyBlackBay · 13/09/2023 15:34

Agreed, this is very hurtful behaviour.

There could be reasons other than favouritism but it's still very odd.

Try to think of the kindest reason you can why she's not visiting then get on with enjoying your new baby. Congratulations.

BoohooWoohoo · 13/09/2023 15:36

It is favouritism but you've not made it clear if you h has invited her to come round apart from the hairdresser day?
Very strange that this is the first sign of favouritism- usually favourite child's children become the favourite grandchildren. Are they close in a friendly positive way or is it a controlling or cultural kind of close where daily calls are the norm?

Spirallingdownwards · 13/09/2023 15:45

She is probably seen all the posts on MN about giving new parents space, not being allowed to hold the baby and all that sort of thing some seem into these days and not turning up until invited!

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