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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL favours her other grankids

48 replies

HowlingAtTheM00n · 13/09/2023 14:03

Just had my first baby. She's currently a week old. MIL hasn't even came to see her.
When her first grandchild was born ew years ago everyone in whole family, Including my husband was made to go to the hospital same day baby was born to meet it and have photos taken.
She's obsessed with her first grandchild (now 7) . Looks after her at weekends and few days a week when sons ex wife is working. She constantly rings my husband everyday and just talks all the time about her. She has other grandkids born 2 and 3 years later , although lives far away sees only on sundays when son brings them down and again had a photo opportunity and saw the baby within a few days. Posts photos all the time since a baby. Close in age 12 months apart and MIL calls them her twins.
My baby is 10 days old today and she hasn't even bothered to come see the baby. None of the family , Including FIL or brother has not seen the baby or asked about it . Aibu to think they all made a fuss over other sons babies but not ours? MIL buys other kids the world and hasn't bought ours one gift. Never even got a card. We were in town on monday picking up few things and she rang my husband she was also in town . It's a very small town. She didn't even ask to come meet us then and we were only a 2 minute drive away.
She has time to get her hair and nails done every Saturday.
To be honest I just kinda feel like our baby has been left out. It took us 13 years to have our miracle baby so I just find it very hurtful as its such a huge event in me and husbands lives .

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 13/09/2023 15:57

i mean if she had an appointment its not prioritising rather than having previous plans. It does seem her behaviour is off compared to the others but i do think as more grandchildren appear grandparents get less attentive and generally get a a bit overwhelmed with how much they have provided for others and can't see a way out so they try to set new boundaries for the rest.

just enjoy your baby with your DH and say hello when she bothers to turn up and let your DH tell her how he feels about it.

KirstenBlest · 13/09/2023 16:06

Your DH hasn't sent out a list of rules for all visitors has he?
"Please do pop round to see PNB, but you can only stay a maximum of 10 minutes and you must wear full hazmat, and no kissing or touching the baby"

coconutpie · 13/09/2023 16:18

Very weird behaviour and hurtful. Clearly favouritism. You've invited her over a few times now and she hasn't. Stop inviting. Just don't bother - give back the same amount of effort she gives you, which is zero. I just wouldn't even bother with her.

Original poster
HowlingAtTheM00n · 13/09/2023 16:26

@arethereanyleftatall because FIL isn't present in the grandchildrens lives like MIL is. FIL AND MIL aren't together. MIL is present in the other grandchildren lives most days. Has first grandchild 4-5 days a week and the other 2 on sundays.

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StephanieSuperpowers · 13/09/2023 16:30

On the face of it, it could be favouritism, but I hate to look at the worst possible scenario if it's possible that there's another potential explanation because you're encouraging people to throw a grenade into their family relationships. So I just wonder, is there any possible way that she thinks that you aren't keen on her visiting at this point? Regardless of what's going on, DH should be talking to her, not in an accusatory way, but just to see if there's some reason she thinks she'd be in the way? GC1's parents might be more inclined to to reach out for help/visits so it might be what she's used to and expects as a result.

Frozenone · 13/09/2023 16:32

Have you previously got on well with MIL or is one of you usually difficult with the other?

Totally ignoring the existence of a new grandchild is odd, regardless of however many you already have. If you are sure you are not usually a nightmare DIL I’d leave it to your DH to address with his DM and concentrate on your family and friends.

Original poster
HowlingAtTheM00n · 13/09/2023 16:34

In my opinion , it clearly does seem like a favouritism thing. The first born grandchild gets all the attention. theres a clear difference in how she acts about them. The other two get lots of attention but nowhere near the extent of the firstborn. I truly think she just is disinterested because its just another grandchild and first born she's obsessed with. I understand maybe I'm being unreasonable but I just kinda feel is unfair to not really acknowledge our baby as it clearly does upset my DH as its his first baby and he really wanted the memory of his mum and his daughter meeting but she just seems disinterested.

We've offered several times to come up or for her to come down and even trying to meet in the middle but she has other priorities or is busy with the other grandchild

OP posts:
Densol57 · 13/09/2023 16:34

Im really sorry this is happening. My mother treated my first son as the golden child and my 2 brothers kids and my second son terribly.
She died at 70 when my sons were 12 and 9 and really starting to notice themselves. It was a relief tbh as she would not be told 😢

Congratulations 💐

Original poster
HowlingAtTheM00n · 13/09/2023 16:48

Yes we have reached out several times. DH did bring the issue up to his mum and the response was "its getting the time son "
It clearly annoys my DH.
I thought I would ask for others opinions as I just find it odd that she would prioritise getting a wash and dry at salon ect than seeing our newborn. I could understand if we had multiple but it's the first child for us so a very important event in DHs life.
Even my ex step mother who runs a full time business and has her own family too and lives 30 miles away has made the effort to see the baby and sent cards ect and is planning on visiting at weekend again.. she's not biologically related . I just find it odd

OP posts:
Original poster
HowlingAtTheM00n · 13/09/2023 16:52

@Frozenone no issues with MIL and me. We have Christmas dinners, easter ect all together. It just seems to be a disinterest in the baby. Theres no excitment there. MIL and the two mothers of her other grandkids don't get along at all and don't talk and it dosent interfere with the kids

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Cutesbabasmummy · 13/09/2023 17:35

@Tweedledeee my son is my MIL's 5th grandchild (and they are all boys!) and she still came to see him in hospital when he was born.

caringcarer · 13/09/2023 17:45

It sounds like she is deliberately not finding time to visit your PNB. It must be so disappointing for you and your DH. It's very poor behaviour. Most GP's can't wait to meet their new DGC. Don't take your new baby to meet MiL, wait until she comes to see your baby. When she finally arrives I'd point out for her first GC she rushed to the hospital to meet them.

Motnight · 13/09/2023 17:48

I think that you need to change your expectations of your MIL as a grandmother accordingly. Otherwise you are going to be constantly disappointed.

Congratulations on your new baby 🎉

JST88 · 13/09/2023 17:53

No that’s totally bizarre, you’re right to be annoyed and disappointed. I think you’ve asked her enough now I’d leave it but I’d definitely urge your husband to have the conversation with her rather than you because they can easily get passed confrontations however your relationship with your mother in law would suffer I think

Mumto2kids86 · 13/09/2023 17:55

I see so many posts in here about families not wanting visitors for the first week or so. Or MILs sticking their nose in where it’s not wanted.

Maybe she is giving you space and waiting for an invite. She’s not a mind reader!!

Totalwasteofpaper · 13/09/2023 18:03

She might well be treating your child differently and I am not going to twist myself into knots justifying her (probably) weird behaviour.

But from experience...
HERE IS THE IMPORTANT THING
-Focus on your recovery and your mental health
-Focus on your baby
-Focus on your husband

Do not waste time fixating on your MIL (I have been here and it's a waste of time)
Deal with it later.... it will either continue to be a problem or resolve itself.

Tweedledeee · 13/09/2023 18:07

Does she have 2 sons and the first born grandchild was a girl - perhaps she was always desperate for a girl and the DGD fills that space.

Laalaala · 13/09/2023 18:32

When her first grandchild was born ew years ago everyone in whole family, Including my husband was made to go to the hospital same day baby was born to meet it and have photos taken.

This is my idea of hell. I had the first grandchild for both my parents and DP's parents. I'm so glad my hospital only allowed 2 visitors a day. I chose my parents because they brought things for me and kept checking up on how I was. My MIL was annoyed that she couldn't visit. I was literally bleeding through my bed sheets and felt like crap. I didn't want loads of people to visit.

Createausernameargh · 13/09/2023 18:49

I would stop reaching out. Perhaps she’s worried you’ll lean on her too much emotionally? Perhaps she doesn’t really click with you? It’s her loss.. find support elsewhere x

Tillie12 · 13/09/2023 19:08

Congratulations!❤️🥰! It sounds like her loss not yours to be honest!!

Ginger1982 · 13/09/2023 19:14

Sadly, it's maybe just not as exciting for her anymore? Maybe she's worried you'll be wanting lots of childcare too.

My DS is MIL's 6th grandchild. They love him and do look after him on occasion, but weeks could go by without seeing him and they wouldn't be too fussed. He is my DM's only grandchild, she sees him twice a week and misses him terribly between days.

Lemmony · 13/09/2023 19:23

Sometimes the simplest way is to just say you'd like more time, but - no - YANBU

Original poster
HowlingAtTheM00n · 15/09/2023 13:14

@Tweedledeee I think that's exactly it.
She only has males. She was absolutely thrilled when the first grandchild being a girl came along as she had always wanted a girl. Now that she has several it's kinda worn off but she has that strong bond with the first gc and I think no other gc can replace that.
I'm not that bothered to be honest , but its just I see how annoyed my husband is about it as he was always raised family first and that really hurts me knowing my DH is in mental turmoil about it. My mother has passed but I would be extremely annoyed if my own mother didn't male an effort for my first baby.

My MIL clearly isn't bothered by childcare. @Ginger1982 she's the one who insists on having the childchildren. She fought the ex DIL (mother of first GC) for access

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