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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to pack it all in and go travelling?

51 replies

PinotPony · 13/09/2023 11:49

I'm 49 with two DCs aged 18 and 14. 18 yo heading off on his gap year next month. Own my property and on great terms with ex-DH who is a very involved co-parent. Have a lovely DP who lives away and is in his final year as a mature student.

I've always loved my job in the legal industry but several months ago my firm merged with a bigger national firm. I was really excited about the opportunities this presented but the reality has been awful. Crap systems, inefficient processes, ridiculous targets, a total lack of client care. We're all completely demoralised. I've tried to effect change but have been met with resistance. Middle management have no power and senior leadership are too far removed to understand the problems on the ground.

I've considered talking to recruiters and seeking a position at another firm but it seems that these issues are prevalent across the industry. I'm completely disillusioned with the role and have felt really tearful and unhappy.

I'm questioning why I'm killing myself in a job I no longer enjoy to pay the mortgage on a house which I struggle to maintain. Evenings and weekends are spent gardening, doing housework, laundry, decorating... it's so bloody repetitive. Although I'm relatively well paid, the mortgage and utilities have gone up so it's all a bit tight with money. I could probably afford a cleaner or a gardener if I never went out but I enjoy seeing my friends over an occasional dinner. Otherwise, what's the point?

I just want to get off the treadmill. Am I being unreasonable to think I should quit work, rent the house out, buy a motor home and go travelling for a year. DP could easily take a gap year after he graduates next summer. It feels like the perfect time. I'm young and fit enough to be able to work fruit picking if need be! Kids are old enough and are perfectly happy with their dad.

There has to be a better way of living, surely? Chasing the pound signs to buy the nice car, the big TV, the theatre tickets... For what? To retire at 70, have a few saga cruises and then die?!

Please tell me I'm not being ridiculous...

OP posts:
Catza · 13/09/2023 12:21

Seems like a perfectly good plan to me. The kids are grown up, you have a property you can rent to pay for itself. Nothing whatsoever is holding you back, except, perhaps the gap in employment which might make it more difficult to reenter work when you do decide to come back. But it isn't something I would overly concern myself with as it sounds you may be inspired to enter a different industry eventually anyway.

Summerishere123 · 13/09/2023 12:27

It's not the perfect time for your son though? Wont he be doing his GCSEs?

Original poster
PinotPony · 13/09/2023 13:02

He’s just gone into Year 10 so it’s not his exam year. He’s a bright lad, quite independent and on top of his homework. His dad is very capable of keeping him on track. I don’t anticipate any impact on him. I’ll be in regular contact and, if he really needs me, I’ll come back.

OP posts:
Dozycuntlaters · 13/09/2023 13:08

Your son is only 14, so personally i wouldn't until he's a bit older. Your plan sounds fabulous, but for a few years time.

Kissmas · 13/09/2023 13:11

Nah, it's a shit time for your youngest. You need to wait. Not much longer, only a few years to go!

He'll always see it as mum went then because it was a good time for her boyfriend even though I had my exams.

Morewineplease10 · 13/09/2023 13:13

I wonder if you could hold off too... but, if he's OK with it, go for it.

Something else may crop up in a few years to prevent you going.

Do you really want a motor home though? You'd be a lot freer without one I'd have thought? Depends where you want to go...

I'm lucky enough to have travelled extensively, undoubtedly tge best times of my life.

I'd try to get some opportunities lined up for your return though if you can.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/09/2023 13:16

Terrible time to do this for your youngest. Of course there’ll be a huge impact on him if you go off during his GCSEs years - and year 10 is just as important as year 11 in terms of following the syllabus.

Wait another 4 years so that he’s had the support your eldest had, and then go off travelling if you want to.

Desecratedcoconut · 13/09/2023 13:18

No doubt someone will be along to say a man would get on and do this without worrying. Apparently achieving parity with men on MN is the height of imprtance, even when that means equally short changing kids on your responsibility to not piss off into the sunset with some romantic notion of freeing yourself from the shackles of working life in a motor home. 🤷

Cloudsandyoghurts · 13/09/2023 13:18

I have a 14yr old DD and couldnt personally leave her, are you sure your DS would be fine with it? If so then go for it. In your shoes though Id be looking at a more permanent change, otherwise you have to come back to your existing way of life at some point. Would you consider downsizing, moving to a cheaper area, cheaper/older/no car? We did this 10yrs ago, moved to a cheaper (but beautiful/and safe) area, everyone said "its career suicide" and we knew it would be, we havent progressed our careers as we would have in the city but our lifestyle is brilliant! No pressure or stress, lots of free time and no regrets.

Squiblet · 13/09/2023 13:23

You've just written off every other potential job because there are "issues across the industry" ... but surely there could be something better for you out there?

I think this motor home dream is more a symptom of discontent than a genuine plan. You could channel that energy into finding a job you feel happy doing. (Or at least, happy enough to stick at it until your son is older.)

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 13/09/2023 13:26

Could you move and set up your own business, maybe?

Broodywuz · 13/09/2023 13:26

I personally couldn't go and leave my 14 year old dc for a year, of course it would impact him OP! Unless you don't have much input into his life now

ActDottie · 13/09/2023 13:43

My only concern would be your son who is still at school. I personally couldn’t do that and would instead wait for him to go to uni.

Original poster
PinotPony · 13/09/2023 13:43

Squiblet · 13/09/2023 13:23

You've just written off every other potential job because there are "issues across the industry" ... but surely there could be something better for you out there?

I think this motor home dream is more a symptom of discontent than a genuine plan. You could channel that energy into finding a job you feel happy doing. (Or at least, happy enough to stick at it until your son is older.)

You're right. I hadn't even considered this idea when I was happy at my old firm. It's definitely driven by a desire for change.

I've worked so hard to reach this level in my career and I'm still passionate about the work itself. It's just the ridiculous pressure of unrealistic targets whilst not having the tools to achieve them that is so frustrating.

I'd be surprised if a sideways move to another firm would help. At this stage, I simply don't want to work 12 hour days to impress the board. 20 years ago I would have but my priorities are different now. I want a better work life balance.

I'm either going to have to take a payout (which I can't really afford to do with current outgoings) or suck it up for now.

OP posts:
Summerslimtime · 13/09/2023 13:47

Good plan, but not yet.

The message you'd be sending to your younger dc would be quite bad. Just give it a bit longer.

Original poster
PinotPony · 13/09/2023 13:51

I'm very aware that DC need their mum, no matter how old they are. Youngest has always been mature and independent but perhaps I've underestimated how he'll feel. I'll talk to him about it.

My initial thought was to just travel around Europe so I can come home at regular intervals, rather than disappearing out of their lives to Australia for a year.

I can wait until he's older but will need an "interim plan" in the meantime. I don't think the current situation at work is sustainable. Most days I'm in tears.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 13/09/2023 13:55

PinotPony · 13/09/2023 13:02

He’s just gone into Year 10 so it’s not his exam year. He’s a bright lad, quite independent and on top of his homework. His dad is very capable of keeping him on track. I don’t anticipate any impact on him. I’ll be in regular contact and, if he really needs me, I’ll come back.

What's the custody arrangements at present? How many nights / days do you see him a week?

I know it's convenient to assume he'll barely notice you've gone but I think you're being disingenuous. Do you really think the 14 yo won't care that his sibling and mother have both left him behind?
And if he needs you, you'll be days of driving away. You won't just be able to come home.

I'm not saying you shouldn't leave but I think you have to face up to the effect it'll have on your teenager who is NOT grown.

And what happens in a year?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/09/2023 14:03

I really wouldn’t talk to DC about it/ seek his views. He’s only 14. You can’t put on him the decision as to whether to give you “permission” to go.

You need to make a decision as his mother as to whether or not you think it’s sensible or appropriate to go away from him during his GCSE years.

GalaApples · 13/09/2023 14:03

Go for it OP. Your DS who is 14 will be fine with his DF particularly as it is not an exam year. I
I'd say it would be better for him if you "disappear" now rather than later when he may need a bit more support. And you won't be disappearing, as he will know where you are, you will be in contact, and you will be coming back. Perfect timing imho.
Have a great time.

Squiblet · 13/09/2023 14:11

I'd be surprised if a sideways move to another firm would help. At this stage, I simply don't want to work 12 hour days to impress the board. 20 years ago I would have but my priorities are different now. I want a better work life balance.

That's understandable ... but maybe you're thinking too narrowly in terms of a sideways move. Maybe you could do more of a diagonal move? Gain some new skills that would allow for a transfer into an area you previously hadn't considered?

I don't know the legal industry at all, but presumably there are organisations that don't have quite such punishing targets & hours. Not-for-profits, maybe?

If you're in tears every day at work, then you've got nothing to lose by scouting out different positions . Hope you find something 💐

Wildhorses2244 · 13/09/2023 14:17

In your position I would make this a real plan, happening as soon as youngest has finished his a levels.

So, the question is what can you do for 4 years which you will enjoy, will make good money, and which will let you save enough for the motor home adventure?

EdinaMonsoon · 13/09/2023 14:18

I have done this OP but in my case I waited until after youngest finished their A levels. I had been ready to go for a couple of years but I honestly felt like my future self would have regret about not being there for DS on a daily basis.

Please don’t ask your DS how they will feel about it. That’s a lot of pressure to put on a child. I can’t quite articulate why but it doesn’t seem right to me. You run the risk of either his feeling pressure to agree but not tell you or he’s could say no and feel like you’re counting down to the end of his schooling for your freedom.

Finally, your plan to spend time travelling through Europe: I’m assuming that you’re aware that you are only allowed to be in the EU 90 days per 180 thanks to Brexit? Alternatively you will need a D12 visa (I think that’s the category) which will require you to prove you have sufficient funds to support yourself and adequate health insurance cover. I’m not sure but I believe it is country specific too. In the end I chose to live my dream of being able to travel by buying a house and applying for residency which serves as base & income and gives me freedom of movement through the EU.

Heatherbell1978 · 13/09/2023 14:20

This feels a bit 'mid-life crisis' to me. I know when I'm feeling discontent with something I look for a project to distract me and focus my brain elsewhere. Usually that works in our favour as it tends to be home improvements or holiday planning. I don't think it's a ridiculous notion although my head goes straight to the detail and what happens when you come home etc. I think your focus and money might be better spent on a career change.

HollaWithDaRisinSound · 13/09/2023 14:21

I say go for it.

I mean seriously - you have nothing to stop you. Nothing real or concrete other than a few 'what ifs' - just grab life by the horns and leap on

You say about retiring at 70 and taking cruises, but many of us wont make it that far, and who is to say you will - so 100% go for it

HollaWithDaRisinSound · 13/09/2023 14:21

Heatherbell1978 · 13/09/2023 14:20

This feels a bit 'mid-life crisis' to me. I know when I'm feeling discontent with something I look for a project to distract me and focus my brain elsewhere. Usually that works in our favour as it tends to be home improvements or holiday planning. I don't think it's a ridiculous notion although my head goes straight to the detail and what happens when you come home etc. I think your focus and money might be better spent on a career change.

That is very pigeon-holing.

Merely based on the age the OP is at

Tut.

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