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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to pack it all in and go travelling?

51 replies

PinotPony · 13/09/2023 11:49

I'm 49 with two DCs aged 18 and 14. 18 yo heading off on his gap year next month. Own my property and on great terms with ex-DH who is a very involved co-parent. Have a lovely DP who lives away and is in his final year as a mature student.

I've always loved my job in the legal industry but several months ago my firm merged with a bigger national firm. I was really excited about the opportunities this presented but the reality has been awful. Crap systems, inefficient processes, ridiculous targets, a total lack of client care. We're all completely demoralised. I've tried to effect change but have been met with resistance. Middle management have no power and senior leadership are too far removed to understand the problems on the ground.

I've considered talking to recruiters and seeking a position at another firm but it seems that these issues are prevalent across the industry. I'm completely disillusioned with the role and have felt really tearful and unhappy.

I'm questioning why I'm killing myself in a job I no longer enjoy to pay the mortgage on a house which I struggle to maintain. Evenings and weekends are spent gardening, doing housework, laundry, decorating... it's so bloody repetitive. Although I'm relatively well paid, the mortgage and utilities have gone up so it's all a bit tight with money. I could probably afford a cleaner or a gardener if I never went out but I enjoy seeing my friends over an occasional dinner. Otherwise, what's the point?

I just want to get off the treadmill. Am I being unreasonable to think I should quit work, rent the house out, buy a motor home and go travelling for a year. DP could easily take a gap year after he graduates next summer. It feels like the perfect time. I'm young and fit enough to be able to work fruit picking if need be! Kids are old enough and are perfectly happy with their dad.

There has to be a better way of living, surely? Chasing the pound signs to buy the nice car, the big TV, the theatre tickets... For what? To retire at 70, have a few saga cruises and then die?!

Please tell me I'm not being ridiculous...

OP posts:
peebles32 · 13/09/2023 14:22

2 years and then do it. I have children in year 10 and year 12. Two years from now we are up rotting and I am going to teach abroad! Younger one will be coming with us and the elder one will be at uni.
It's a risk but one I am willing to take I am 48 and i don't want to put off any longer.

HollaWithDaRisinSound · 13/09/2023 14:22

Summerslimtime · 13/09/2023 13:47

Good plan, but not yet.

The message you'd be sending to your younger dc would be quite bad. Just give it a bit longer.

What bad message might that be? That life is for living - and life is about experiences, and sharing them with those you love?

Life is not about owning collections of 'stuff'

EdinaMonsoon · 13/09/2023 14:24

Oh and one last thing…be prepared for an element of next level judgement from people. Nothing seems to get people riled up like a mother “abandoning her children” (ie adults who have left home and getting on with their lives!) and going travelling! Some of the pearl clutching has been hysterical 😂

Original poster
PinotPony · 13/09/2023 14:25

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing I wouldn't be asking him to give me "permission" - I'd never put that on him - but I am, of course, interested in his thoughts and feelings. We've always been able to talk honestly with one another. I don't see why I shouldn't tell him that it's something I'm considering, if not now then in a few years.

OP posts:
Bubop · 13/09/2023 14:25

PinotPony · 13/09/2023 13:51

I'm very aware that DC need their mum, no matter how old they are. Youngest has always been mature and independent but perhaps I've underestimated how he'll feel. I'll talk to him about it.

My initial thought was to just travel around Europe so I can come home at regular intervals, rather than disappearing out of their lives to Australia for a year.

I can wait until he's older but will need an "interim plan" in the meantime. I don't think the current situation at work is sustainable. Most days I'm in tears.

Don’t put that decision on his shoulders, it would be unbelievably selfish. You need to be the adult and put them first, and that means physically been there for them.

The same would apply if you were their dad. You need to be there for your 14 year old especially, even if they don’t think (or want to admit) they need you.

Original poster
PinotPony · 13/09/2023 14:31

EdinaMonsoon · 13/09/2023 14:18

I have done this OP but in my case I waited until after youngest finished their A levels. I had been ready to go for a couple of years but I honestly felt like my future self would have regret about not being there for DS on a daily basis.

Please don’t ask your DS how they will feel about it. That’s a lot of pressure to put on a child. I can’t quite articulate why but it doesn’t seem right to me. You run the risk of either his feeling pressure to agree but not tell you or he’s could say no and feel like you’re counting down to the end of his schooling for your freedom.

Finally, your plan to spend time travelling through Europe: I’m assuming that you’re aware that you are only allowed to be in the EU 90 days per 180 thanks to Brexit? Alternatively you will need a D12 visa (I think that’s the category) which will require you to prove you have sufficient funds to support yourself and adequate health insurance cover. I’m not sure but I believe it is country specific too. In the end I chose to live my dream of being able to travel by buying a house and applying for residency which serves as base & income and gives me freedom of movement through the EU.

Thanks @EdinaMonsoon That's useful to know.

I haven't looked at the detail at all yet. It's still very much a vague idea that will need a lot more research and planning.

Interestingly my ex-MIL has a property in France and needs a "caretaker". That might be an option...

OP posts:
Original poster
PinotPony · 13/09/2023 14:33

peebles32 · 13/09/2023 14:22

2 years and then do it. I have children in year 10 and year 12. Two years from now we are up rotting and I am going to teach abroad! Younger one will be coming with us and the elder one will be at uni.
It's a risk but one I am willing to take I am 48 and i don't want to put off any longer.

That sounds like a fabulous adventure @peebles32 Whereabouts are you going?

OP posts:
Original poster
PinotPony · 13/09/2023 14:37

Squiblet · 13/09/2023 14:11

I'd be surprised if a sideways move to another firm would help. At this stage, I simply don't want to work 12 hour days to impress the board. 20 years ago I would have but my priorities are different now. I want a better work life balance.

That's understandable ... but maybe you're thinking too narrowly in terms of a sideways move. Maybe you could do more of a diagonal move? Gain some new skills that would allow for a transfer into an area you previously hadn't considered?

I don't know the legal industry at all, but presumably there are organisations that don't have quite such punishing targets & hours. Not-for-profits, maybe?

If you're in tears every day at work, then you've got nothing to lose by scouting out different positions . Hope you find something 💐

I'm going to look at in-house legal positions where I could potentially earn the same salary without the impending nervous breakdown! Having dinner next week with a friend who made a similar move a few years ago and is much happier.

That would let me keep my head above water whilst DC does his exams and I save up and plan my travels.

OP posts:
Insommmmnia · 13/09/2023 14:42

Not relevant to whether you should or shouldn't go

But as I understand the 90 day rule and I could have misunderstood:

You can spend 90 days out of 180 in a schengen country

And you can spend 90 days out of 180 in Bulgaria, Cyprus or Romania which are not in the schengen

And the two don't impact the other as I understand it. So you could do 90 days in schengen countries, then 90 days in say Bulgaria and Romania and then another 90 days in schengen countries

Although I could have totally misunderstood this!!

FrenchieF · 13/09/2023 14:56

A very selfish idea when you have two teenagers and one is only 14.
you could downsize house and still travel

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 13/09/2023 14:57

Research it very hard. Hire a camper van and do two weeks minimum in it somewhere cold and wet like Scotland can be - if you still love the idea then go ahead.

we did something very similar albeit no children in the equation and on a boat. It was fabulous and really made the two of us re evaluate our look on the world and what we wanted form our lives. I can guarantee you will get to know your DP far more than you would think you want to know and vice versa. It also get more difficult to do things as you get older and your body starts to complain.

You’ve got a plan to rejoin the rat/normal world if that needs to happen at some point. For those saying put it off for a year or two - tomorrow isn’t a given, and sometimes you need to just try something new and go for it.

I cannot really comment on the child aspect, but surely you are showing them that parents are more than just mum/dad and that life is unique and full of twists and turns, and doesn’t have to be planned to the nth degree etcetc. There more than one way to live a life …

Good luck and hope you enjoy at least exploring the idea fully.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 13/09/2023 15:06

I don't think running away for a year is the answer, and truthfully I think it is more a case of running away than running towards something you actually want. At the end of the year all the same problems will be there, but worse because you will be less employable than you are now. It would also be a bad idea for your DP to drop out for a year immediately after finishing study - he would be better off using his qualification while it is fresh. And no, I don't think leaving a 14 year old to go on a middle aged gap year is a great idea either.

If a year out is something you genuinely want, then sort out your job situation first (change employer, change sector, retrain), get your 14 year old through school, give your DP time to use the qualified he has just worked for, and then go in 3 or 4 years time, but from a position of strength rather than panic.

We all have days where we just want to gallop for the horizon, but we don't do it because we know it isn't really the answer Flowers

telestrations · 13/09/2023 15:12

Dozycuntlaters · 13/09/2023 13:08

Your son is only 14, so personally i wouldn't until he's a bit older. Your plan sounds fabulous, but for a few years time.

Agreed.

My Mum took the summers off when I was this age as I was "fine with my Dad" and while I was fine I was hardly thriving.

HollaWithDaRisinSound · 13/09/2023 16:03

OK, so there are a lot of people on mumsnet who seem to think that when you have children you aren't allowed a life or any aspirations of your own

Summerslimtime · 13/09/2023 16:03

What bad message might that be? That life is for living - and life is about experiences, and sharing them with those you love

That he is not important enough to stick around for.

They are very tough years fir a teenager.

My cousins mum left her to work abroad at a similar age. She was very competent and lived with her other family. It was tough. Now she has her own dc of similar age, she has fallen out with her parents as she can't believe they did that to her.

I've had 3 career breaks to travel the world and plan to do it again, but it will have an impact to leave school aged dc.

FreshStart12345 · 13/09/2023 16:39

Could you downsize? Find a smaller home and buy it outright? The freedom that will give you to search for lower paid jobs for more work/life balance is far better than having some nice curb appeal.

After dedicating the last 20 years to raising my dc I I am now counting down till the youngest is old enough to allow myself to go travel and see the world. I reckon I've still got 5years to go but no harm in putting plans in place now (moving to cheaper home so can pay off mortgage asap, researching viable ways to travel etc)

BarrelOfOtters · 13/09/2023 16:43

Go and have your son come out and travel with you in the school holidays. Just watch out for Brexit visa issues - you can only spend 3 months in Europe.

Met someone when I was travelling who had signed up at about your age to run a ski chalet for the season - loved it. They'd taken a sabbatical to do it from their job.

Is that an option?

Augustus40 · 13/09/2023 16:53

Personally I think it is better to change job to one of less pressure and buy a cheap campervan to go away in during annual leave and Bank Holiday weekends etc.. You can always have a sabbatical at a later stage but I wouldn't end up without a job. Maybe leave legal. I think plenty of people do.

WallaceinAnderland · 13/09/2023 17:04

I would take a year out. You can then go back into the workforce when you come back. Your DS could fly out to visit wherever you are during school holidays.

However, you can't spend a year in Europe. I believe the maximum is 90 days so check out visas for different countries before you commit.

JoanOgden · 13/09/2023 17:15

A year is a long time. Not everyone is suited to a full year of travelling, and it is a long time for your kids too. Why don't you do it for the 90 days? That will give you a really good break and time for lots of adventures, without being so drastic.

MiniBossFromAus · 13/09/2023 17:22

Take 6 weeks of unpaid leave.

Head to France and walk the Camino De Santiago. Nothing like a 500 mile walk to give you the time and space needed to make real decisions about your life.

This is what I would do, if I could.

Spottywombat · 13/09/2023 17:24

Have a look at Our Tour on YouTube. They have a very good website.

I think 14 is a difficult age for you to go away all the time. Look to change the house though, if it's a problem.

Selling a house will take most of a year.

Go freelance with the job?

Original poster
PinotPony · 13/09/2023 17:54

Yes, perhaps a shorter break of a few months might be enough to give me some headspace and figure out what I want to do long term.

My old firm offered sabbaticals but the new place doesn't. It doesn't matter, when I leave I won't be going back there.

Unfortunately it's not an area of law you can really do as a sole practitioner. So setting up my own business or going freelance isn't an option.

OP posts:
Lemmony · 13/09/2023 19:51

Can I come?

peebles32 · 13/09/2023 21:42

I don't know for sure yet. I am a teacher so can pretty much go anywhere! I have an EU passport too so can go in Europe. I speak French and Spanish so possibly there. Italian roots so that's another possibility.
We can't afford not to work so it will have to be a move and work.
I worked abroad when I was early twenties and still got the urge. I think sometimes you have to try these things. What's the worst that can happen? It fails and you come home. Life is for living. However, I do think it is important for my children to get the qualifications they want as they are at important stages at school.
Like you, I have an amicable divorce and for the one who will be at Uni, I feel better knowing dad is in the Uk.