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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to think this is too much?

49 replies

Farmersswife · 12/09/2023 17:13

I’ll try to keep it short .
DH and I have 2 DC 5 & 8 months 1 SD 11 his ex (mother of his daughter) has an older son 13. DC & SD all get on really well the three of them I have no trouble with we share 50/50 care of SD. Older child is more problematic we have had him on occasions to help ex out his dad was active in his life but mum fell out with him and he sees him sporadically now. She wanted us to have him 50% of holiday’s , previously I have but this year with our new baby I had to say no it caused a rift. I felt I’d be unable to cope all holidays husband works ridiculously long hours & sometime away 2-3 nights a week. I also can’t fit everyone in the car.

last week husband drops into conversation ex is on holiday next week for a week abroad and we had both children. I wasn’t asked just told! I said he had to be here & help if that was the case. That hasn’t happened & husband has been away & i am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. All they do when together is bicker & argue. They’ve completely destroyed the house they don’t listen & have made DD cry numerous times. I also have to get older one to secondary school buss & then wait 45 mins at each end of the day at younger two’s school. I’m furious at DH today & he can’t understand why. I also run my own full time successful business from home & we have a very busy home life!

I’ve asked him to come home tonight & he thinks I’m being unreasonable?.

OP posts:
wandaaaa · 12/09/2023 17:15

No. Absolutely not. Not your child, not your problem. Your DH was incredibly disrespectful agreeing to this behind your back. He now needs to take responsibility for it all.

CatherinedeBourgh · 12/09/2023 17:15

Yanbu. You really need to make a fuss. People cannot volunteer you to do favours to others!

wandaaaa · 12/09/2023 17:16

In my opinion his mother needs to find alternative childcare arrangements. Your husband was VERY unreasonable agreeing.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 12/09/2023 17:18

Yeah that’s annoying. Make it clear to your DH and his ex that it won’t be happening again. Your DH needs to get home early to he can help with the situation he created!

flotsomandjetsome · 12/09/2023 17:18

You really are not BU!!

The older child is neither yours or your DHs? I know this is very harsh, and I feel for the him, with his father letting home down, but he is not your responsibility.

From your post it appears that you have in the past, and when convenient with you helped out, which I think is a nice thing to do as he is the sibling of your SD (and was your DH SS when he was in a relationship with his ex). But I don't think you are in any way obliged to help out - particularly if not actually asked and your DH not around to help.

Original poster
Farmersswife · 12/09/2023 17:20

Thanks I was expecting 50/50 replies to be honest. I don’t mind doing the odd favour but feel a whole week especially when they have school & different schools and have only been back 3 days at school is too much. I’ve lost so much time and it’s taken quite a toll as the times & getting everyone to different places has been hard work.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 12/09/2023 17:20

Such an enormous display of disrespect from your husband that I can't believe its an isolated incident.

I would hit the roof. Tbh I would never have agreed to it. And you should have immediately said "no, that's not happening". Fucking outrageous.

Snittler · 12/09/2023 17:21

Your DH would rather upset you than his ex. So he needs to learn you being upset is the bigger inconvenience for him. YANBU, kick up all of the fuss.

Original poster
Farmersswife · 12/09/2023 17:22

one of the children has dropped in today it’s happening again over Christmas something DH has not mentioned. I’ve done it twice before when she went on holiday but they were all at the same school so wasn’t too bad & they used to get on okay but it’s just hell to be honest. Friday can’t come quick enough and I feel bad for thinking that

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 12/09/2023 17:23

That is shocking. No to having them over at all if they’re going to upset your kids, what the fuck? He’d rather upset you than his ex and that’s a huge issue you’ve got to tackle with a series of hard nos. How dare he book up your time like that.

ButterCrackers · 12/09/2023 17:23

How dare he dump his stepdaughter and son from his ex on you. Book a cleaner at the ex’s expense to clear up her kids mess in your house. Next book a week away for yourself and your 8months baby if breastfeeding. If you are bottle feeling (can be breast milk or formula) then your dh can look after his baby. Tell him that there won’t be a next time because you will also be on holidays.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/09/2023 17:23

You feel bad?! I’d be considering divorce.

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 12/09/2023 17:24

I think it's lovely that your DH has continued to have a relationship with his (ex) step son.

BUT he was incredibly unreasonable to agree to having him for a week if he isn't even there. He should have had the decency to ask you first, and make alternate arrangements if you weren't happy.

Original poster
Farmersswife · 12/09/2023 17:24

It’s not unfortunately.

but this came about on Thursday when she flew on Friday so I wasn’t left with much choice I also said to DH he needed to be here and he sort of agreed but has since Sunday/Monday been away.

OP posts:
CwmYoy · 12/09/2023 17:25

Tell him Christmas isn't happening - and tell her as well.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/09/2023 17:25

Of course you were left with a choice. Start valuing yourself and your own children more. Who else have they got to stick up for them? Their dad doesn’t seem to give a shit.

aloris · 12/09/2023 17:26

Your husband has no right to manipulate you into doing childcare like this for a child that is not your child and is not even his child! It's essentially a favor to his ex-wife. And for her vacation, no less!

I think there are multiple red flags here: (1) that he didn't ask you if you were willing to do this childcare, he TOLD you, as if you have no right to a say over your own time; (2) that he left it to last minute to mention it, and (3) that he is away during some of this time. It's also problematic that you have a job of your own which is being materially impacted by his choice to drop this on you. It's also problematic that instead of hm being very apologetic for having imposed on you so unreasonably, he is instead calling YOU the unreasonable one. I hate to use this word but this is a bit coercive of him.

GabriellaMontez · 12/09/2023 17:28

You know you're being treated like shit?

Let him know, if this ever happens again, you'll be going away. Mums/sisters/airbnb.

Make it extremely unpleasant for him.

Although you shouldn't have to do this.

AffIt · 12/09/2023 17:31

What's done is done, unfortunately, BUT you do have an opportunity now to put your foot down for future occasions.

Christmas is a hard no, for a start, then you need an agreement between the adults in the situation that any and all future situations are discussed and agreed by ALL parties (including your DH arranging annual leave as necessary) at least three months in advance. That is, of course, if you're happy: if not, then the hard no stands.

'Told on Thursday that she was leaving on Friday' is utter clown shit.

itsmylife7 · 12/09/2023 17:34

Your husband has absolutely no respect for you at all.

What absolutely cheeky fuckers him and his ex are....to you.

AllHopeandRainbows · 12/09/2023 17:39

LTB

OhmygodDont · 12/09/2023 17:45

Honestly the answer to this is to pack up your children and head off to your mums/friends for a few days or even a hotel.

Go while the older children are at school and inform him your not his Ex’s childcare and as such your unavailable for any school pick ups from this point as you’ve arranged some time away and have sorted childcare eg you for YOUR children.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/09/2023 17:48

I can’t really improved on what others have said. It’s outrageous that he’s asked this of you. Well not even asked, but just manipulated you into being stuck.

I agree you need to go away if it happens again.

He needs to get someone in to cover his work if he wants to graciously do favours for his ex wife

lalaloopyhead · 12/09/2023 17:51

I mean its nice that you can do this occasionally as a favour, but it is quite an unusual occurrence I would have thought and your Dh should really be there to do the childcare.
Have you asked when ex is going to be looking after your children because you want to go on holiday alone?? Madness!

Nevermind31 · 12/09/2023 18:00

Tell Stepson that DH is dropping him off tomorrow and picking him up. Tell DH that he will do that - you will not pick him up tomorrow- you have plans, for the rest of the week. Then turn off your phone. I’m sure DH will be a lot less agreeable to ex if he actually has to do the work.