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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to think this is too much?

49 replies

Farmersswife · 12/09/2023 17:13

I’ll try to keep it short .
DH and I have 2 DC 5 & 8 months 1 SD 11 his ex (mother of his daughter) has an older son 13. DC & SD all get on really well the three of them I have no trouble with we share 50/50 care of SD. Older child is more problematic we have had him on occasions to help ex out his dad was active in his life but mum fell out with him and he sees him sporadically now. She wanted us to have him 50% of holiday’s , previously I have but this year with our new baby I had to say no it caused a rift. I felt I’d be unable to cope all holidays husband works ridiculously long hours & sometime away 2-3 nights a week. I also can’t fit everyone in the car.

last week husband drops into conversation ex is on holiday next week for a week abroad and we had both children. I wasn’t asked just told! I said he had to be here & help if that was the case. That hasn’t happened & husband has been away & i am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. All they do when together is bicker & argue. They’ve completely destroyed the house they don’t listen & have made DD cry numerous times. I also have to get older one to secondary school buss & then wait 45 mins at each end of the day at younger two’s school. I’m furious at DH today & he can’t understand why. I also run my own full time successful business from home & we have a very busy home life!

I’ve asked him to come home tonight & he thinks I’m being unreasonable?.

OP posts:

Ewock · 12/09/2023 18:11

Wow your dh is not a 'dear'husband. How dare he agree to something that he will have no part of. I honestly don't think I'd have the older child again, which yes does seem unfair on him, but your dh is taking the pass. And he isn't your dss, you were being kind to help but it's now been thrown back in your face.

FatherJoseFernandez · 12/09/2023 18:15

DH was completely unreasonable! He should have take annual leave to look after and entertain his kids.

zeibesaffron · 12/09/2023 18:21

You say no to christmas- your DH snd his ex then have plenty of time to make alternative arrangements- you say to DH he never fucking puts you in that position again and if he does you will be off to your mums/ friends/ hotel until they go.

Original poster

Farmersswife · 12/09/2023 19:26

As much as I want too. I just can’t and DH knows that and I think he plays on that.

OP posts:

DisforDarkChocolate · 12/09/2023 19:31

I'd be very tempted to stay at a hotel for the rest of the week as soon as he gets home.

Your husband does not hold you dear.

Eviebeans · 12/09/2023 19:39

Farmersswife · 12/09/2023 19:26

As much as I want too. I just can’t and DH knows that and I think he plays on that.

Why do you feel you can’t because until you do nothing will change

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/09/2023 19:54

If you don’t change then how’s anything else going to?

If you won’t put your foot down for yourself, what about protecting your young children? Don’t they deserve better than being bullied in their own home because their dad puts someone he used to date’s feelings above theirs and seeing their mum stressed out of her head by it all? By going along with this you’re enabling him treat you ALL with contempt.

Why is that?

HerAvatar · 12/09/2023 19:57

He won't stop disrespecting your time unless you make him pick up the consequences of stuff like this OP. Definitely insist he comes home and point blank refuse to ever do anything you haven't previously agreed to do going forward. It sounds trite but it is absolutely true ime that people only treat you as well (or badly) as you let them, and that the more respect you show for yourself (by not letting people take advantage of you) the more others will show you respect. Not that I'm saying any of this is your fault, just that you should stand up for yourself more, not less.

MrsDrudge · 12/09/2023 20:02

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all.
He didn’t ask or discuss it with you.
He’s not even there to share the care.
Totally taken advantage of you. Are you going to ask him to come home?

aloris · 12/09/2023 20:47

Farmersswife · 12/09/2023 19:26

As much as I want too. I just can’t and DH knows that and I think he plays on that.

When you say you can't, what exactly do you mean? You are afraid to say no? Because he will get into a rage or because he will remove your access to money or why? Or is it that he will just do it anyway, whether or not you say no, so there's no point? or you saying "no" will generate a months-long campaign by him of how selfish you are?

There must be some underlying reason that prevents you from taking the psychological step to say you won't do it. You aren't just being walked on by your dh here, but also by his ex-wife. Your business is being impacted so she can go on vacation! I mean it's craziness!

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 12/09/2023 20:53

Take your younger kids and to stay at your mums/friends anywhere, leave him to deal with his two and tell him in no uncertain terms that you absolutely will not put up with this again, if he does it again at Christmas then off you go. He is being obscenely unreasonable. If the oldest was no trouble then it might be doable, but he's making your dd cry in her own home and causing you a lot of extra stress and anxiety - all impacting on you and the other DC.

Original poster

Farmersswife · 12/09/2023 21:32

This is a good point and has made me think a lot. The genuine answer is i don’t know but maybe I need to try and find out! I guess I’d feel guilty? Feel bad for him & the children. I’m not sure

OP posts:

Sunshinebuttercupsrainbows · 12/09/2023 21:37

I’m guessing your DH was stepdad to this child for a period of time and has a bond with him? In which case he is not BU to help with childcare if he is willing but he absolutely should not be dropping it on you and leaving you to do it!

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/09/2023 21:44

Feel bad for the children because they have shit parents if you want to, but who’s feeling suitably bad for your children that they’ll stop this insane disruption and upset?

Absolutely do not feel bad for him. He’s a selfish, entitled bully. You know how unreasonable it all is as you’re the one who posted this thread! To suggest it’s unavoidable is frustrating. You have agency here, you have very young children who rely on you entirely, you’re currently letting one of them be bullied and upset in their own home. By a kid who’s not even related to them. And to whom you owe no responsibility at all.

Do not feel bad for the bastard that’s been insisting that happens because he’d rather keep his ex sweet and is willing to throw you and his kids with you under the bloody bus.

nothingcomestonothing · 12/09/2023 21:51

Your DH agreed to look after someone else's child and then went away?? I'd have gone nuclear the second he got his suitcase out. The fact that you need to ask whether YABU speaks volumes OP - how many other times and ways has he treated you like an unpaid servant?

Original poster

Farmersswife · 13/09/2023 20:51

Thanks for all your replies. I think there is a lot more too it now I’ve thought about it for 24hrs and some things definitely need to change. Thanks for all the support

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/09/2023 20:55

I hope they do. For you and your children. No one else is ever going to prioritise them, that’s solely on you. Please put them first.

maybebluth · 13/09/2023 21:18

Err, no, I wouldn't be happy either!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/09/2023 21:25

Next time it appears he has arranged for you to care for your step daughter and her half brother to another man, and he is due to leave for work or a trip away, you physically remove yourself from the house leaving him abd the dc there so he cannot leave.

It's time for action here.

junebirthdaygirl · 13/09/2023 21:34

I would say that older boy is acting out as his own father has nothing to do with him and his dm flies off on a foreign holiday his first few weeks back at school. None of that is your fault except you are being left to deal with the fall-out. How did your dh expect you to manage with a small baby/ different school times/ running a business etc. He seems completely thoughtless.
Not to others..his ex ..but to you.

ItsADoggieDogWorld · 13/09/2023 21:41

I'd be very suspicious that they're both away at the same time.

billy1966 · 13/09/2023 21:42

OP, you are some mug, god love you.

Your husband and his ex have some fool made of you.

A child that is even your husbands dumped on you?..upsetting the other children?

Truly unbelievable.

No doubt you are a kind person, but I'd rather not be thought of as kind than be used by my husband and his ex and made a fool of.

He certainly doesn't care about your well being, using you like that.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 13/09/2023 22:07

Have you posted about this situation before OP? Only I feel I've read about the child who doesn't belong to either of you causing upset with your own children previously, and about the ex going on holiday???

bobbinsnbows · 13/09/2023 22:13

I agree with all other PPs. What a nerve telling (not asking) you without notice and not being there to look after these children. How dare your DH and his ex arrange you looking after their DC/SDC at Christmas without checking with you?
Where are his ex’s parents? Why can’t her children stay with them? Why can’t they do some school runs at least?
You've had two children, like his ex. Do you go away without children as she has done? No? I thought not.
You need to stop being so amenable, capable and welcoming. As soon as DH returns, leave him to carry the can. He’ll soon change his tune.

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