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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not inform estranged family of health issue?

32 replies

Professionalmess · 12/09/2023 09:16

My last contact with immediate (father and sister, mother is long deceased) and extended family was via a solicitor nearly 10 years ago. They don't try to get in contact anymore and neither do I.

It's been a glorious 10 years where I have been able to flourish.

A couple of weeks ago I fell at home and sustained a break that required surgery. Nothing life threatening, it just wouldn't have healed properly otherwise.

I'm open about my estrangement with those in my life now.

A colleague is shocked I didn't get in touch with my father or sister at least, to let them know I was hurt.

I know I'm not BU as it's my choice. I'm coping post operatively without help. I'm able to arrange for professionals to help should something come up. The only request I've asked if anyone is my neighbour feeding my pets one night whilst I was in hospital, a favour we regularly trade for holidays etc.

So... I don't need their practical help (not that they're local enough), experience tells me they would not be an emotional support, I don't need financial help. I feel like they would be detrimental to my mental health should I give them 'an in'. Why would anyone think they need to know?

I don't know what I expecting from this. Just needed to put this down and maybe get some other perspectives.

OP posts:
Comtesse · 12/09/2023 09:17

Your colleague has no idea. Just ignore their judgement.

Ascendant15 · 12/09/2023 09:23

I am nc with my sister and brother. Her deliberately on my part, him because he can't be arsed so I thought I'd see how long it took him to return a call (it's currently since January 2017). I had major surgery in 2019 and told neother of them. They aren't in my life so it is none of their business. Your colleague is wrong. Blood is not thicker than water and I see no reason why you shoud share anything with them. FWIIW I have left instructions they are not to be notified if I die, on the basis that if they can't be arsed with me alive, then they don't need to pretend my death means a lot to them. And if they find out (not likley) they are not welcome at the funeral.

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 12/09/2023 09:25

Been nc with my dps for 20 years.. Why would I tell them my business?

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 12/09/2023 09:25

People who don’t come from extremely dysfunctional families can’t possibly imagine how bad it actually is before you go NC. I suspect they lack empathy or the ability to listen. Either way, it’s absolutely none of her business.

LaLaLouella · 12/09/2023 09:28

No - you don't have to tell them anything.

You've thrived in the years you have been nc, don't risk that for some outdated sense of what family 'should' be...

sodthesodoff · 12/09/2023 09:33

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 12/09/2023 09:25

People who don’t come from extremely dysfunctional families can’t possibly imagine how bad it actually is before you go NC. I suspect they lack empathy or the ability to listen. Either way, it’s absolutely none of her business.

This

You see it all the time on here when someone has a narcissistic or abusive mother. Some people post with useless comments like - I could never treat my mother like that. Or my mothers dead how I wish I could have her back etc etc

It's all bullshit. You know the relationship and what has led to 10 years of nc. Don't let others who have no idea sway you

Hope you're feeling better from the fall.

Katrinawaves · 12/09/2023 09:34

Your colleague has no idea and also is intruding on something which has nothing to do with her.

I’m NC with my adoptive mother and brother for good reason. I have no interest in being contacted about their health issues and sure as hell wouldn’t be allowing anyone to tell them about mine or any other aspect relating to my life.

The only possible exception (which doesn’t apply to me as an adoptee but could apply to you) would be if someone was diagnosed with a serious hereditary condition it might be helpful to have that info passed on. But even in those circumstances I’d want it to be via an intermediary rather than direct contact.

TheNoodlesIncident · 12/09/2023 09:37

Your colleague is shocked because she is seeing the situation from her own lived experience, which is obviously a nicer, more loving family than the one you've been landed with.

It does seem to be very common that those from loving and caring families find it difficult to understand that this isn't the case for everyone. It seems bizarre, when the news reports that so many children have been killed or seriously harmed by their parents, that some people just can't grasp that not every family is good to all the family members, but there you are.

Ignore her, her lack of comprehension and understanding isn't your problem. You know you're better off without them and making the right decisions for yourself, that's all that matters.

Reugny · 12/09/2023 09:38

I thought it was an inherited condition that can be life limiting that you may need to warn your sister's children about.

As it isn't continue as you were.

Normal medical/health issues however serious don't need to be told to family members unless you are close to them.

Shopper727 · 12/09/2023 09:39

If I was hurt the last person I would contact to let know would be my dad I’m not sure he’d care and why would he even deserve to know? Your colleague clearly doesn’t know what it’s like to have to go nc with family and everything that leads up to it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/09/2023 09:40

Hope your recovery goes quickly and smoothly 💐

We’re NC with DH’s family and several years ago he was extremely ill and in hospital on and off for months. I didn’t think he would but I did ask him if he wanted them to know and he was adamant he didn’t. They were appalling when he was well, they’d have been horrified with him ill. He didn’t mind me asking but he felt exactly the same as you do. Life without them in it is great.

Look after yourself.

Original poster
Professionalmess · 12/09/2023 09:40

@Katrinawaves I think hereditary condition would be my exception too. I'm a healthcare scientist so ethically I would have to inform them. But I would probably just send a letter and be done with it.

Glad I'm not alone in not telling them.

OP posts:
JustWhatWeDontNeed · 12/09/2023 09:42

People love to wade into the complex family dynamics of others and share their unsolicited opinions.

You said yourself your time of estrangement has been glorious. That's all you need to know. What good would contacting them do?

My stepkids' mother is like this. "I'M YOUR MOTHER, YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL/HAPPY/DELIGHTED TO TALK TO ME, EVEN IF I OFFER YOU NOTHING BUT DISAPPOINTMENT, ABANDONMENT AND EMOTIONAL TURMOIL". Doesn't work like that love...

I am also no contact with my dad to the point that I essentially forget that he exists on a day to day basis.

Your colleague needs to beak out.

Clarich007 · 12/09/2023 09:42

I hope you are ok and recovering well.
I can't imagine how bad things must be to go NC with my family.I realise how lucky I am in that we are all very close.
Your colleague is wrong and shouldn't have said that.None of their business.
You are definitely not being unreasonable.💐💐Take care

GingerIsBest · 12/09/2023 09:43

So... you haven't seen or spoken to your family in 10 years. As a result your life has been a hundred times better. But now, when you're recovering your colleague thinks you should be expecting them to step in?

hahaha. You are not being unreasonable to tell her she knows nothing and to carry on as you are. Well done. I hope you feel better soon.

itsmylife7 · 12/09/2023 09:43

Putting it bluntly OP you or estranged family could be dead and who would know !

Ignore your work colleague .

Dizzybelle · 12/09/2023 09:43

Good grief, no. Blood is not thicker than water! You say your self that you’ve flourished, in the last 10 years, without them in your life, and that resumed contact would be bad for your mental health. Why would you ever jeopardise that in any way? Your colleague has no idea what he is talking about.

barbarahunter · 12/09/2023 09:43

Of course you don't tell them, and frankly if they're anything like my charming family they wouldn't care, anyway. Carry on with your happy life - your colleague will never understand - lucky her.
Actually, reading your post reminds me that when I got divorced and had cancer it didn't even occur to me to tell my family 😁

BoohooWoohoo · 12/09/2023 09:48

Your colleague has no clue because she clearly comes from a functional background. You see it on here too- people think that going NC is silly but doesn't understand that it's years of abuse resulting in someone realising that NC is the only way to escape the fucked up situation. To your colleague, NC is the same as her not returning a call to her family because they annoyed her- not a last straw to protect yourself.

I am NC and wouldn't pass on info or want info on the person I am NC with. I live as though that person doesn't exist and am very happy with my decision.

phoenixrosehere · 12/09/2023 09:52

TheNoodlesIncident · 12/09/2023 09:37

Your colleague is shocked because she is seeing the situation from her own lived experience, which is obviously a nicer, more loving family than the one you've been landed with.

It does seem to be very common that those from loving and caring families find it difficult to understand that this isn't the case for everyone. It seems bizarre, when the news reports that so many children have been killed or seriously harmed by their parents, that some people just can't grasp that not every family is good to all the family members, but there you are.

Ignore her, her lack of comprehension and understanding isn't your problem. You know you're better off without them and making the right decisions for yourself, that's all that matters.

Agree.

You see it all the time here on MN where people have said how awful their families are or have been to them and there are always posters who go on and on how they don’t know such people so it must not be true or as bad as posters are saying. Makes me think my eyes are going to roll out of my sockets every time I read such posts and sometime wonder if they’re probably the awful family members and just don’t know it.

BeverleyMacker · 12/09/2023 09:53

No you've gone 10 years NC. Why would you tell them?

Breakawaytour · 12/09/2023 10:00

It's the 'you'll regret it once they're gone' asshats that I want to bludgeon with the back of a shovel in these situations

Dizzybelle · 12/09/2023 10:02

phoenixrosehere · 12/09/2023 09:52

Agree.

You see it all the time here on MN where people have said how awful their families are or have been to them and there are always posters who go on and on how they don’t know such people so it must not be true or as bad as posters are saying. Makes me think my eyes are going to roll out of my sockets every time I read such posts and sometime wonder if they’re probably the awful family members and just don’t know it.

Edited
Show quote history

Exactly! And what’s worse, is that once someone has stated, for example, the awful things their mother has done to them throughout their lives, and the person decides to go no contact- to save themselves, you always find people who say things like “but she is your mother, no matter what she has done, you must forgive her!”. Or similar. Stone Age thinking.

FrenchBoule · 12/09/2023 10:07

@Dizzybelle I disagree. Blood is definitely thicker than water, more difficult to wash it off the floor 😉

Everything @NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz said and @sodthesodoff as well

Wishing you speedy recovery OP and peaceful life 💐

TakeMe2Insanity · 12/09/2023 10:09

People who have functional families cannot begin to understand families with major rifts that require going NC.

I agree with you.