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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's easy to tell someone they should LTB, but what when its not even possible?

27 replies

boocoo · 12/09/2023 00:22

Without getting into any of the many reasons, my 25 year marriage is dead. I can't take it any more. I want out.

But we live in a place with a terrible housing crisis. We have three children, one with SN. We live in Social Housing rental. There's nowhere for him to go, there's nowhere for me to go. We both earn reasonable money, but not close to enough to rent another property, on the open market, even if there were anything available, which there is not. I have no family in this country, his elderly parents are three hours away. He can't go there and keep his job and see his children, and they wouldn't want him anyway, he's 51 years old. If I tried to rent, even if there were any houses, it would cost everything I earn in a month just on rent. It's not possible

If we were together, we can have a nice home and provide for our children and look after them properly and have enough money for holidays and birthday presents etc. But apart, we'd both be penniless, even if we could find somewhere for him or me to live, which we can't.

What am I supposed to do? Live like this forever, trapped and unable to choose? It's bad enough that my marriage is dead, I'm heartsick over it, but this limbo is even worse.

AIBU to think that sometimes there are no options? Sometimes you can't just LTB, or have him leave you?

OP posts:
GreyBlackBay · 12/09/2023 00:32

YANBU.

Id imagine there are options, if you spoke to the HA they must have a solution for this, probably putting house into your name and evicting your husband. He'd have to rent a room in a shared house or live in a hostel or on the streets. It's not palatable unless there is abuse.

And of course you could up and leave. No one is forcing you to stay but of course that is not an option but I think it's wise to realise you are making a choice.

I guess you have to live with it until the kids are grown. Do you have a job and a pension? Start planning now and you should at least get some form of life for yourself in the future.

Original poster
boocoo · 12/09/2023 00:44

I'm not seeing how it's a choice, no-ONE is forcing me to stay but when there is literally nowhere else to go, where is the choice? My husband can't be evicted without a safety order, he's not abusive, he's just an asshole.
When there are no options, where is the choice?

OP posts:
HarrietJet · 12/09/2023 01:02

if you spoke to the HA they must have a solution for this, probably putting house into your name and evicting your husband
😵‍💫

Hermittrismegistus · 12/09/2023 01:07

You split and divide the children between you. You'll both then get housing benefit to help rent a home and other benefits if income is low enough.

HarrietJet · 12/09/2023 01:11

Hermittrismegistus · 12/09/2023 01:07

You split and divide the children between you. You'll both then get housing benefit to help rent a home and other benefits if income is low enough.

That's an appalling idea.

ReadySalty · 12/09/2023 01:13

I get it Op. It is possible to separate but the problem of a dead marriage is replaced by the gruelling hardship of trying to survive on half the income. I don't blame you for feeling trapped.

Perhaps you could make the best of the situation (staying in the marriage) by building yourself a good life on the side - hobbies and friendships.

Original poster
boocoo · 12/09/2023 01:14

You split and divide the children between you. You'll both then get housing

No, we wouldn't. We are housed, any one who left would be voluntary homeless and would not be entitled to help. And where would you take the 1 or 2 children in the meantime, even if it was possible?

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 12/09/2023 01:15

One option, both of you finding new jobs in a city with more affordable housing.

Hermittrismegistus · 12/09/2023 01:25

No, we wouldn't. We are housed, any one who left would be voluntary homeless and would not be entitled to help. And where would you take the 1 or 2 children in the meantime, even if it was possible?

You tell the HA and/ or council that the relationship has broken down and is having a negative effect on mental health.
Depending on area the council or HA might offer another property or one of you finds a private rental and claims housing benefit and universal credit to help pay the rent. It can be done.

Hermittrismegistus · 12/09/2023 01:27

We are housed, any one who left would be voluntary homeless and would not be entitled to help

You would still be entitled to housing benefit and universal credit even if considered voluntarily homeless as long as your income is low enough just like everyone else.

Hermittrismegistus · 12/09/2023 01:34

If your child with SN revives DLA then it makes the most sense for the person in private rental to take that child. You'll get a premium on the universal credit claim that way.

(I know you'll try to come up with some resin it's not possible but it's literally as easy as one of you finding a private rental, moving in the with one of the children and claiming housing benefit and universal credit)

Doingtheboxerbeat · 12/09/2023 02:18

Hermittrismegistus · 12/09/2023 01:34

If your child with SN revives DLA then it makes the most sense for the person in private rental to take that child. You'll get a premium on the universal credit claim that way.

(I know you'll try to come up with some resin it's not possible but it's literally as easy as one of you finding a private rental, moving in the with one of the children and claiming housing benefit and universal credit)

I think your last paragraph was a tad unfair considering the amount of perfectly well meaning but very ignorant and naive bits of advice you get on here regarding benefits and social housing.

You sound like you know what you are talking about ,but so many people don't and when you are desperate, silly suggestions can make you a little bit defensive .

Hermittrismegistus · 12/09/2023 02:33

That's a fair comment Doingtheboxerbeat. I apologise if I've come across as uncaring, op. I've worked dealing with these issues for years and I suppose I'm just numb to the emotions involved in such situations.

I hope you can find a solution that's suitable for you.

Brightandshining · 12/09/2023 03:00

That sounds really hard I'm sorry!

could one of you look at moving into shared housing nearby but seeing the kids at the family home still? It's not the same because I didn't have kids at the time but when my long term ex and I broke up I could no longer afford to rent an apartment in the city centre where I worked... could only afford it together. In the end I went on spare room .com and became a lodger in someone else's house. It was very cheap and actually a lovely place to live.. I eventually saved up money over a year to move into a small flat.
If you really want to separate one of you might just have to take the hit for a while like that. Of course the children couldn't stay overnight in a shared house so you'd still have to share space on days when the one who left wanted to be with the kids.
Might be worth it though if you are really miserable

Original poster
boocoo · 12/09/2023 08:52

(I know you'll try to come up with some resin it's not possible but it's literally as easy as one of you finding a private rental, moving in the with one of the children and claiming housing benefit and universal credit

We're not in the UK and don't have your benefits system would be one reason I "come up with".

OP posts:
Original poster
boocoo · 12/09/2023 08:54

and even if we we were in the UK, how does one find a private rental when there aren't any, and if you did, how does one pay the deposit and moving costs and first month etc when you don't get housing benefit until afterwards, AND you need a private rental to accept HB, AND they do credit checks and know easily you can't afford the extortionate rent?

People make out its easy, and its not easy at all. That's the point if the thread.

OP posts:
Packedlunchoftinkywinky · 12/09/2023 09:04

Are things amicable? Could you calmly and respectfully co-parent successfully and still live together? Do you have space in your home to move the children into shared bedrooms so you and husband can each have your own bedrooms? You could then end your relationship but still share the home. Boundaries and responsibilities would need to be clear about housework, caring for children etc.

If not, what about getting a room in a shared house or a bedsit? And take it in turns with husband to stay in this space. So whoever has the kids for half the week or whatever arrangement you come to, stays in the family home and the other party stays in the bedsit and then you swap over?

Sorry you’re in this situation. x

Lydiala · 12/09/2023 09:09

We're not in the UK and don't have your benefits system would be one reason I "come up with"

You’re posting on a British forum where the vast majority of posters live in the UK. People are going to quite reasonably assume you live in the UK unless you explicitly state otherwise.

AbraKedavra · 12/09/2023 09:50

There's (almost) always an option of working on your marriage and making that better.

mrssanchez · 12/09/2023 09:57

I totally agree OP, there's worse things than being in a crappy marriage and you have to weigh everything up.
Most people really don't get it, especially those with NT children.
Unless he's actually abusive, you just have to put up with the bastard sometimes, at least for a while.

lavender2023 · 12/09/2023 10:08

Ponderingwindow · 12/09/2023 01:15

One option, both of you finding new jobs in a city with more affordable housing.

And lose a social rental? Those are like hen's teeth, its like even preferable to a mortgage with 10% deposit (for the average FTB) as the latter has the risk of negative equity/increasing mortgage interest rates on a relatively large amount.

In London, even people on 50-75k are being asked to put their parents (who need to earn 3 times annual rent) as guarantors despite having average stable jobs . I don't think this is just a london thing, private landlords just don't want to take on the risk.

QueenCamilla · 12/09/2023 10:13

I went from a 1.3mil house to the refuge with a 4 year old. Then into a private rental in the depths of the first lockdown with no job or credit history (with a guarantor only).
With just £400 left after paying rent each month, I managed to always get in enough food, pay the bills and build some credit history.

The next was the move away from the expensive South East - I moved to a city I've never even been to before - I couldn't afford "wasting" money on visiting! Took the first job come my way, the nearest school.

I'm happily single now, a home owner and could work part-time hours if not for the amount of work my house needs doing!

It was a bumpy ride and very stressful at times but I'm happy, calm and settled now.
It's doable but some need a big push into doing...

Original poster
boocoo · 13/09/2023 09:21

QueenCamilla · 12/09/2023 10:13

I went from a 1.3mil house to the refuge with a 4 year old. Then into a private rental in the depths of the first lockdown with no job or credit history (with a guarantor only).
With just £400 left after paying rent each month, I managed to always get in enough food, pay the bills and build some credit history.

The next was the move away from the expensive South East - I moved to a city I've never even been to before - I couldn't afford "wasting" money on visiting! Took the first job come my way, the nearest school.

I'm happily single now, a home owner and could work part-time hours if not for the amount of work my house needs doing!

It was a bumpy ride and very stressful at times but I'm happy, calm and settled now.
It's doable but some need a big push into doing...

Ok but you could go to a refuge in the first place: not open to me.
You could move away: not open to me.
You were young enough to be able to get a mortgage: not open to me.

I'm really happy for you that it was doable, but none of that is doable for me.

I have a secure job that is flexible so I can manage the childcare responsibilities, I can't move away from it. I have a child with SN with a school place, I can't move away from it. The cost of a rental that would fit my children is more than I earn, even if I could find a place and convince a landlord to rent to me instead of some well paid professionals instead.

There's (almost) always an option of working on your marriage and making that better

I've been doing that for 10 years. Unfortunately, he hasn't. The only way to make it better is to pretend that none of my feelings matter at all and to pretend to be happy for everyone else, while I do everything for everyone and carry all of the load with a fake smile. That's what I've been doing and slowly dying inside.
But I guess that's all I can do, until the shell of a person I am finally falls apart or cracks up.

OP posts:
MrsElsa · 13/09/2023 09:48

What country do you live in? You're not going to get any relevant advice here if not UK based. You would be better off posting on Reddit.

stars345 · 13/09/2023 09:51

I'm in the same position OP. I can't leave my job as it's relatively well paid for my skill set and flexible with childcare. I can't leave the school my child is at as he's got additional needs and this school has been a huge support and advocate for getting help from the NHS. There's a housing crisis in this area in that rent for a crappy apartment is actually more than my mortgage for a house, at least two thirds of my income.
So for that reason we can't afford to 'nest' where we rent a room or bedsit and change between them both when it's out turn with the children. Can't afford to live alone. Not entitled to housing benefit or universal credit.
So yes LTB and you only have one life wind me up, there's nothing I can do about it and I just have to stay. It's really sad.

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