To not take DD to this birthday party?

[Ozarkz]

A good friend has invited DD (3) to her daughter’s birthday party (4th birthday).

DD is painfully shy, can’t handle noise, often asks for her ear defenders even if not excessive noise). She won’t speak to anyone and won’t even look at anyone or acknowledge anyone. If there was just one girl there there would be a chance DD would interact and play after an hour or so but not with other kids there.

DD will want to play with me alone in a corner somewhere. The last party I took her to she disappeared into an empty room and played in there alone. At another party she wanted me and her to sit in the car and play there alone away from the noise.

I know she has to learn to interact but I’m not sure taking her to this party will benefit anyone. She’s likely to go completely non verbal, won’t eat anything and will keep trying to look for somewhere quiet she can go.

YABU - take her to the party, she has to learn to socialise
YANBU - don’t take her, it will benefit nobody

Just don’t. A busy, loud party with lots of strangers is not going to help her grow in confidence. My DS was very similar, now 14 and still painfully shy and doesn’t enjoy loud, busy environments.

I've turned down party's before knowing my DS wouldn't be able to cope at them.
It's absolutely fine, we are putting them first which is how it should be.

Don’t take her . It will not teach her to socialise , only traumatise her .

Even if the argument is that she needs to socialise, this party does not sound like an environment where she would feel comfortable enough to do so.

If she won't enjoy it, I wouldn't go. Maybe your daughter and the birthday girl could meet up another time, just the two of them.

Don't take her

No I wouldn't go. I like the idea of a separate event with the birthday girl though if your dd would enjoy that.

No you need to support her and help her to manage long term. Dumping her in the deep end will not help. If she won't enjoy it who would you be doing it for?

Explain to the mum and arrange a play date one to one instead.

Small steps towards feeling more comfortable with socialising would probably be a less traumatic approach…

From what you've said there would be no benefit to taking her it would only be putting her in a situation that will likely cause her stress. Ask to meet up another time with just the birthday girl if you think she'd enjoy that.

Nope I wouldn't go. Maybe suggest meeting another time

No I wouldn’t go, this doesn’t sound like the idea place for her and you don’t want to panic her. She’s already moving herself out of situations she feels uncomfortable in and that’s great. Take her out and do something fun together.

If you’re worried about socialising then you could always suggest a quieter play date with the birthday child.

The thing is DD doesn’t even want to meet with the girl on a 1-1, she doesn’t like being around other kids and it’s really worrying me. I’m absolutely dreading school.

We have a large family who she has seen multiple times a week since she was born and she still won’t acknowledge most of them.

As the mum of a similar ASD child, I would take her.
Sit her on your lap, take her ear defenders and a toy or some colouring and let her watch the other children.

We still do this at 8. She rarely joins in which she knows is fine, but I think it's important for her social understanding and development to not fully miss experiences just because she can't join in in the way a child without additional needs can.

Watching with support and getting gradually used to different situations is better than sitting at home.

@Ozarkz My son has selective mutism and is non verbal in some situations, mainly at school and amongst his peers.

You mention your daughter is shy, the way you describe her being non verbal sounds just like my son, could your daughter have selective mutism? She does sound similar to my son who has officially being confirmed as having selective mutism.

We have seen a child physchologist and it's recommended to first try 1:1 and gradually working up to larger groups.

I definitely would not recommend making her go, I know if it were my child it would set him back so much.

OP please don't traumatise her by forcing her into situations she isn't equipped to deal with - this will only give you bigger issues in the longer term. Please try and reframe how you feel about how she is, how she needs to be around your family for instance. Have you got any assessments underway? Are you on any waiting lists? You really need to be focussing on understanding as much as you can about why she is the way she and working out how to put in place any support she might need.

DD has autism I don't allow her to miss out on age appropriate activities but I do make adjustments and meet her where she is at. So I would take her but make adjustments for the party, take a familiar toy, familiar food and ear defenders. Talk to her about what is likely to happen, pass the parcel, candles on the cake. When you get there show her a quiet safe space she can go if she wants to. If she gets overwhelmed take her outside for 10 mins and try again.

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Also in terms of noise, DD is very sensitive to certain pitches, thinks hand dryers are the work of the devil etc but it can be more nuanced than that, we go to the theatre regularly - the loud noise of the show is fine, the cacophony of the audience during the interval is also fine if the noise is washing over her. However, the moment I talk in the interval it becomes too much, its the noise + having to try and focus that causes an issue and she gets overwhelmed.

If she goes mute then it's worth learning some basic signs: home, drink, eat and toilet so she can communicate her most basic needs

@Ozarkz I am not saying she is but your last posts perfectly describe signs in a girl with ASD, it's almost a tick box checklist it presents very differently than in boys.

If you aren't already on a waiting list I'd go to the GP and/or start saving for a private diagnosis should you need one. Times of transition ie starting Primary or Secondary tend to make traits much more blatant.

Or she could just be a shy young girl not ready for big social occasions.

If she has an ASD it is not the end of the world, with the right adjustments life can still be very good and challenges overcome.

If this is a really close friend of yours could it be a good opportunity to do as a poster up thread has suggested and support her to be there in her own way? Will it be very busy or maybe only 3-5 kids?

She’s on the (very long!) waiting list for autism assessment

Yanbu

Children of all ages (ASD or not) enjoy things in their own way. She may not like the noise or even the other children but she might really enjoy the bouncy castle/ bubble machine / lights etc.

Shell get something out of it providing she's allowed to experience it in a way that works for her, ear defenders on, sat on your lap watching. Even if you leave early if it gets a bit much.

Hmmm. Tricky one. At 2 my daughter was like this, I took her to my nephews 3rd birthday and she mostly hated it for all the reasons you mentioned. It made me decide not to do a birthday party for her 3rd. Then at around 3.5 she started getting invited to nursery parties. We went along and sometimes she would spend lots of time sitting on my lap, other times she’d get stuck in (often more so if a party was a ‘repeat’ of one she’d done before eg same soft play or same entertainer). Now at 4.5 she loves parties!

I would say go, but make it clear you can leave if she wants any time. And if she spends large parts just watching, that’s ok.

You know your DD best and you can work out if it will help or hinder. If it wouldn't be in her best interests to go you don't have to take her.

However - and this might not resonate with you, in which case never mind - my 3 year old DS is also very shy and nursery have raised the possibility of ASD, but he can enjoy occasions like parties in his own way. I took him to a 7th birthday party this week (a close friend's daughter) and by adult/NT standards he looked completely out of his depth. There was a children's entertainer there with all the other kids, aged 4-8, joining in with the games. My DS just watched from the sidelines and later crept up to look at the entertainer's phone which she was using to play music through the speaker. I don't think he talked to another kid there.

And yet! The party was on Friday and he was talking about it all weekend and today. He's been asking me about all the games and all the children who were there, and he says he had a really happy time there and that the birthday girl is his friend. It does seem like he got something out of it and at this age, children can also be pretty accepting of others who behave differently to them.

I'm not trying to say you should or shouldn't take her, just that it could go one of a number of ways. If you take her and she plays alone in the corner with you, would that make her happy? If you're good friends with the birthday girl's mum, could you give her a heads up before you go that your DD might not join in?