To be surprised at who has been supportive and who hasn't (divorce)

[howmanytimes34]

My husband and I are separating, my initiative, as I've finally had enough of his crap.

Some people who I thought would be a bit judgemental, have actually been 100% rock solid supportive.

Others, who I would have sworn would have had my back, have been nowhere to be seen.

Just very surprised by it all.

Yes, it is surprising, and sometimes quite hurtful. I'm still smarting over one in particular 6yrs later!

Same thing happens when close relatives die.

YANBU I had the exact same - even some friends who had become mutual friends but were my friends before I even met Ex seemed to become "team ex".
It was a small number though and I am really happy to know who my real friends are.

I don't think it's necessarily not caring but when friends split there seems to be the expectation that everyone will pick a side and ignore the other. Don't forget your friends and family will know what you've told them, your take on things, the other party may have said contradictory things. It's unfair to expect people to take sides, even being family doesn't mean they have to, in a family break-up the mother of one phoned the mother of the other to apologise for her child's behaviour.

To be clear I'm not talking about mutual friends, I expect there to be some split loyalties there

I mean some of my own long term girlfriends, who were never fans of my ex (understatement) - as I've moved to actually separate, rather than just be 'unhappily married', are pulling back.

And I am definitely not needy, I do not expect them to be a listening ear constantly and I am very careful to not always talk about myself

It's more like I'm socially unacceptable now, if that makes sense?

I'm just very hurt, a bit puzzled and to be honest a bit isolated

Get used to it. You will be surprised at how many think you have some special disease that will infect their own marriages or you have turned into an overnight home wrecker. Some may simply fancy your husband and think you are being very unreasonable.

However you will find there are others who step up and care. Divorce is a time when you will end of reappraising many relationships, and the most unlikely people come through.

It is hard. But find those others. They will help.

Because some people treat divorce (and death) like its contagious and run for the hills.

Yes, totally identify with this. A couple of women I thought were lovely, have been particularly shit. But most people have been great and I don’t waste too much headspace on it… it’s more like I’m people-watching than actually mind, iyswim?

And some total strangers have been brilliant (eg on furniture giveaway sites) - the universe balances out.

Good luck, I don’t know you but I’m rooting for you.

OP, I had very similar experiences when I divorced and also following bereavement.
It was surprising who came out of the woodwork and offered support and who didn't.
Some very sad people do see separated/divorced and widowed people as socially unacceptable. They are often scared that you will go after their man, although that is the last thing that most of us do!!!

Thanks for the supportive comments - yes, it does feel a bit like I have a contagious disease!

Just slowly processing it all. One of them in particular is so surprising and so hurtful

But I am trying to focus on the people who have been brilliant

It's a particularly female thing btw. It was hard because my marriage was violent. Men were often much more sympathetic and helpful than women. And no, they did not crack on to me.

Lesson; many women secretly are terrified that their husbands will stray. This gets taken out on you. It's internal misogyny and yea it will hurt like shit. I advise a clean break.

You will also find such people come crawling back years later. I told them to fuck off. But just so you know!

People really show their true colours when any kind of major life event occurs. I was seriously injured in a car accident some years ago and am still dealing with both the physical and mental fall out. My friendship circle looks very different today than it did pre accident. Some people who I considered close friends more or less evaporated overnight but others who I would have called acquaintances rather than friends have turned out to be absolute rocks. One of the things that hurt me most about the whole business is that someone I considered one of my best friends and who I supported through her own life traumas has never been to see me once since the accident. She phoned fairly regularly to start with but that dwindled and the last time I messaged her she didn't even reply. It really throws you as you're left feeling like the whole of the relationship was fake, so what else in life isn't as you think it is?
I try to focus on the unexpectedly supportive people I have found, but it's certainly made me wary of how much of myself I give to others these days.

Yep my aunt M left her alcoholic abusive husband her aunt E told her that marriage was for life and she was a disgrace to the family.

My aunt never forgave her shockingly enough

@bombastix Sorry to hear your ex was violent, and well done for getting out.

I think maybe I am seen as a threat - not because my stunning good looks and charisma 😂will tempt their husbands, but maybe that I am actually walking the walk and not just talking the talk about my terrible marriage, makes them feel a bit defensive about their own marriages?

That sounds meaner than I intend.

I guess I am trying to rationalise something that maybe is just one of those things. I need to not let it bother me so much...

Don't be surprised at all.

I had a life-changing event a couple of years back and recieved overwhelming support from people who I'd previously have considered relative strangers.

Meanwhile, my 'real' friends? Not a peep. In fact, one couple - who were more like family but we hadn't seen in a while (was around lockdown time) - were informed by my husband that I nearly died and they STILL didn't reach out! To this day, I am still baffled.

I will never forget those who were there for me at my absolute worst. And those who weren't.

@howmanytimes34

I will never forget those who were there for me at my absolute worst. And those who weren't.

This is how I feel. Sorry you had this after your accident

After 4 months of ignored texts or breezy 'hey hon, sorry missed this, all good here, let's catch up soon' responses, with no follow up to my suggestions of specific meets up, I have to sadly write them off.

I mean, they KNOW I am divorcing an arsehole and my life is pretty difficult at the moment. A coffee and a catch up (where we don't even have to talk about me!) would immeasureably brighten my week

@Jumpingthruhoops sorry, meant to tag you and tagged myself in the message above 😂

I found the same. I also found that some people who let me down took some time to see the light about my ex and we’ve ended up closer than before, so don’t give up hope.

It took me long enough to admit and acknowledge what he was like and to get the courage to leave, he did a spectacular character assassination on me when I left him and his previous good guy image left a few people very conflicted.

The good bit was me getting to offload people on his side I’d never really liked, there were some wins 😂

I think it depends on who has what on their plate at that time as well as who is the closest friend or nicest person

This is exactly how I feel about it.

I mean, fine, our 'good friends' weren't to know in the moment. But to STILL not reach out after hearing I'd nearly died!?!? That's a whole new level of fucked up.

Meanwhile, random people I've connected with on social media and 'acquaintances' were messaging me months later.

Our situations sound very similar - why do you think people behave this way? I always thought I was a good judge of character but this one has got me well and truly stumped...

My sister was outraged that she lost all of their mutual friends and some of her own.

She had in fact bent the wives ears with her misery for years leading up to her exh leaving. She also demanded They cut him off at the split. They were throughly sick of her and preferred to meet and have play dates with their childlren when with the exh had the child.

There was a reason for them deserting her.

If you genuinely haven't asked them to pick a side or involved them then perhaps they're of the view it's none of their business, which it isn't.

Thank you. Took a good six months to get back to normal but I'm doing better than ever now. And have lots of new friends!

I guess, like a PP said, I'm more disappointed in myself now that I invested years on a friendship/s that was more fake than a Rolex from Del Boy!

People do surprise you.

It’s heartbreaking and exhausting and lonely; being the person who initiated it doesn’t help, as I’m sure you already feel exhausted from trying to make it worse.

One of my worse reactions was a friend who, when I told her, burst into tears and talked about when her own parents divorce and how much it affected her and how traumatic it was going to be for my DC. It wasn’t the most supportive response.

I think that maybe only others who have been through it will really understand.