To be surprised at who has been supportive and who hasn't (divorce)

[howmanytimes34]

My husband and I are separating, my initiative, as I've finally had enough of his crap.

Some people who I thought would be a bit judgemental, have actually been 100% rock solid supportive.

Others, who I would have sworn would have had my back, have been nowhere to be seen.

Just very surprised by it all.

It sounds very lonely and hurtful. Some people like to put you in a little pigeonhole and it rocks their world a bit when you break out of it.

For example,

• leaving a job or career for something you enjoy more,
• becoming a SAHM/rejoining the workforce after being a SAHM
• losing weight
• divorce/breaking up with a partner
• taking up a new hobby

When you do something to change it, it shines a light on the parts of their lives that they are unhappy with and their inability or refusal to do anything about it and it makes them uncomfortable. So they withdraw.

People only really care about themselves

Yeah it's shit......

My supposed "best mate" "jokingly" told me not to go after her husband, when my ex-husband walked out on me.

And a couple of people who I thought were just casual aquantainces, really stepped up and kept me going.

Sympathies Op x

Yes. My own family were my biggest surprise and disappointment initially. I didn't tell them all the details of my exh's infidelities at first and there was a lot of siding with 'poor him'. It would've been nice if they'd been supportive of me as their daughter/sister from the get go without the need for extra' evidence' and I've never really forgiven them fully.
Then I kept some friends I thought I would lose and vice Versa. It's weird how judgey people are and about what things.

And yes to the friends the all of a sudden see you as some sort of threat to their marriage. Because suddenly you're bound to be desperate and after their husband.

Understand you are feeling disappointed but just a quick reminder that when we are going through a tough time, we often don't see the reality and struggles of other people's lives because we haven't got the mental energy left after dealing with our own problems.
I had a friend who was very upset and hurt because during her separation/divorce because thought that that people were excluding her young child from play dates. She was convinced that it was because families didn't want a child from a "broken home" to come to play. She told me years later how she was forever organising play dates, but no-one ever invited back.
I knew her throughout that time. I had had a new baby in that year and found it really tough. Play dates certainly weren't on my agenda. Another mum had been going through the process of diagnosis for coeliac's as well.
Aside from these issues her 4 year old daughter was going through a biting and argumentative stage with other children, and so other children found her difficult to interact with.
I'm not saying this is any way your situation, but just bear in mind that some people may have more going on and that they may not necessarily be sharing it with you.

@piscofrisco - well you learn how misogynistic your inner circle is. It's a hard lesson.

Yes. At a time when you don't need anymore hard lessons as well!

I think it's defence mechanism really. Many women have insecure marriages. They do not like you as a reminder. So exclusion occurs.

We were part of a group of my colleagues who all became friends, husbands as well. We would socialise together, have parties, meet for meals etc. A tight solid group. Until my marriage broke down. Then the 'christian' pair decided that the dinner to celebrate their silver wedding didn't need me or the other divorced woman at it. We were the only two excluded.

It's very middle class kind of nastiness.

I've seen it more than once. The women set the social agenda here. Nothing will change your perception of sisterhood faster.

The two lines are "busy", but not so busy as not to have social events and "isn't so and so fragile or perhaps she would feel uncomfortable".

Perversely, divorcing men find a lot of invites!

This wasn't universal and I still had good people. But lots of light misogyny of a courteous middle class kind.

Sorry you are experiencing this OP. I was widowed a few years ago and experienced the exact same thing. I still get angry about some people to this day. Very angry in fact. But it does help to think about those who have stepped up, unexpectedly so. It baffles me why people do this. I think ultimately it comes down to their own weaknesses and hang-ups.

Ask them what there problem is

NB I suspect some are insecure in their relationships and now see you as a threat 😩

Going through similar - very recently separated (my initiative), everyone thinks my husband is the best. So I get all the horrified comments of ‘why would you do that’ but also the (verging on outraged) comments of ‘but what happens when we want to spend time together as a four’. I realise my husband is probably a nicer more outgoing easier going person than me (and in the end I couldn’t stand it any longer) but it just runs salt on the wound how many of my friends are so very annoyed to be losing him. Maybe I am selfish but even my Mum asks after him before she asks how I am. And now there’s all this weird sensitivity amongst friends as to whether their husband can be present when I come around to say hi. It destabilises everyone’s models of group friendship.

This is exactly it. Many people’s marriages are more fragile than they make out- I think you’d be surprised how many would’ve broken up if they didn’t have joint commitments.

And there’s lots of women who don’t like single women around their husbands ( let’s face it , if he’s cheating the other woman doesn’t need to be single!)

@howmanytimes34 I haven’t experienced much crapness luckily, however several people said things like ‘I really want to leave’, or ‘I’m waiting for kids to leave home’, so there’s a lot of truth in the idea it forces some people to think about their own marriages. Although I think there’s definitely something in the water (menopause probably) as a good handful of friends have left their husbands over the last four years, with a few more heading that way.

Namecheck fail @howmanytimes34, sorry

@Catastrophejane .

Many people’s marriages are more fragile than they make out- I think you’d be surprised how many would’ve broken up if they didn’t have joint commitments.

yes, I think this is it . Friends who were very happy to chat about mutual marriage :husband woes (and made clear they despised my husband ).

But they were literally startled when I said I was talking to a lawyer “you’re actually going to leave him?!”

they DEFINITELY do not fancy my husband, think he’s lovely, or worry I will steal their husbands.

They are also not caught up in private, time consuming personal situations I am unaware of. And they are generally nice people

They are just … ghosting me, as the kids say.

@Lastnightschips

yes, I think they are ghosting me as I am an uncomfortable reminder of the possible alternative to ‘putting up with him’ (not that my life is very enviable at the moment!)

@howmanytimes34 totally agree with your update- they don’t like seeing that there’s an alternative.

I realise you think your life isn’t very enviable at the moment, but a lot of them will be envious of your courage at taking steps to change your life.

many will have resigned themselves to putting up with status quo because everyone else does - you’ve broken ranks.

many more people though will actually be supportive- my divorce actually restored my faith in humanity. So many good friends and acquaintances out there who have your back.

congratulations on your separation! ( not enough people celebrate these things!) You won’t look back, I promise!

So disillusioning that friends only like us when we fit right into a little box. I really hope I am one of the people who stay true and supportive, I try to be, but when DH was very ill I was amazed at the very distant ‘best friend’ and overwhelmed by the masses of friends and family who gave in the most generous and kind ways. So confusing though.

@Floribundaflummery sorry to hear about your distant ‘best friend’

I do think that sometimes even the kindest friends can be a bit shit at times. It’s so easy to be distracted/ overwhelmed by other stuff going on.

I worry I haven’t been the most supportive friend to some people - just because I’ve had a lot of stuff to deal with already when they’ve been struggling. On the other hand, I know I’ve really stepped up for acquaintances who’ve had hard times- just because I’ve been around and had the headspace to help.

just saying this as hope you haven’t taken it personally. I sometimes think that if they feel guilty about it, they can end up being even more distant. None of that is your fault, of course.

This happened to me they were my friends but when I was leaving my ex they cut me off completely and have never spoken to me since they are still friends with him. I have no contact with him or them and haven’t done since I left apparently I should of stayed and tried to make it work. Best think I ever done was leave and now I know who my real friends are don’t get me wrong at the time I was so hurt by these so called friends but over time I realised that I was much happier without them anyway. Good luck to you and your new chapter xx

Just very surprised by it all.

Sadly I'm not. I have seen it time and again, not just for myself but for others. Any serious major life event - divorce, death, serious illness - you soon find out who your real friends are. Some people will always make excuses for them but just ditch them and be glad they're gone. You will be in the end, although it doesn't seem it now.