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Original poster

To feel frustrated at DH never feeling ‘ready’

42 replies

Sleepdeprived42long · 10/09/2023 22:51

Been with DH for 20 years. Good relationship but I’ve realised that he will not willingly do anything until he feels absolutely ‘ready’. And he never seems to actually feel ready!

I always seem to have to cajole him into stuff (including big stuff like marriage, kids, buying an house) after years of waiting for him to be ‘ready’. I don’t think I forced him into any of those things-he said he wanted them, and doesn’t seem to regret doing/having them, just seems set on the perfect moment that I don’t think exists in real life. He also overthinks things a lot and hates taking risks (worse as he’s got older I’ve noticed 🙈)

The latest thing is that, after a long time thinking about it, a few weeks ago, we decided to get a dog (he was the most keen on the idea). Our DSs are also keen. (this isn’t a debate about getting a dog and where we are getting it from!). We initially discussed early next year but we looked into it and the perfect dog is available in 8 weeks time. I suggested we consider it but he says he’s not ready and wants to wait till next summer now. He says he has too much on at work and it will be hard work-although I’m part time and DS11 is very willing to get involved.

He’s now saying he’s outnumbered and he will just have to go along with it. I’ve said we’ll wait (although I am frustrated about the ‘ready’ thing) but he says I’ve made him feel bad about himself by telling him and the kids about this dog because he’s not ready.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling frustrated that DH never seems to feel ‘ready’ for life stuff that he says he wants? I admit I can be quite impatient so I am fully prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable!

OP posts:
topcat2014 · 10/09/2023 23:10

Sounds draining. I hate people who have to plan to do something rather than getting on with it. (Money notwithstanding)

Skogrammy · 10/09/2023 23:13

Just get the dog and be done with it.

Just make the choice for him. Much easier that way.

Ponoka7 · 10/09/2023 23:16

I'd think seriously before getting a puppy a month before Christmas. Toilet training over winter is tougher. But it might fit in better if you are off because of Christmas and school holidays. I'd have to overrule your DH, I couldn't be doing with it.

Original poster
Sleepdeprived42long · 10/09/2023 23:27

It is very draining @topcat2014! I just don’t know if I can be bothered to go through the usual cajoling though so that he eventually agrees and then makes it feel like I’ve got to take full responsibility for the decision made.

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 10/09/2023 23:33

He would do my head in.

Original poster
Sleepdeprived42long · 10/09/2023 23:34

@Ponoka7 thanks, that’s a good point. Although we’ve also been advised that best to get a pup in winter so that by summer they are able to go out for longer walks in better weather 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 10/09/2023 23:40

Have you told him this and that it makes you feel like every decision sits as your responsibility that it be a success? Ask him does he wish we hadn’t gotten married? That we hadn’t bought a house? That we hadn’t had children? Were these mistakes? Because I feel like I’ve spent years of my life talking you into them and you don’t ever seem to have reflected and gone these worked well for me, I should be more open to and enthusiastic about changes because our life is not 100% my wife’s responsibility. Which is how I feel. What I would like from you is some wholehearted decision making. Im telling the children tonight that dad doesn’t want a dog yet. It’s on you to say yes here, I wash my hands of it. I wash my hands of spending hours cajoling you into making a decision so I get to not only do all that work but take responsibility too. All the literature says you should get a puppy in winter but you explain to the children that you may actually never be ready to get a dog, because you never say yes to things unless mum talks you into them and mum is fed up. Really really fed up.

ShellySarah · 10/09/2023 23:45

PinkiOcelot · 10/09/2023 23:33

He would do my head in.

Actually being with someone who constantly browbeat me to do what they wanted all the time would do my head in.

He's putting off the dog as he doesn't want it. You can't get a dog without his agreement.

If he wanted a dog he'd agree to it now.

Maybe you're pushing him to do stuff he doesn't want to do and you're not cajoling him to do things he actually wants.

DisquietintheRanks · 10/09/2023 23:47

Is he ever allowed to say "no"? What happens when he does?

steff13 · 10/09/2023 23:48

My ex-husband's mantra was "why don't we wait." It applied to everything. If I'd left it up to him we'd have never seeing anything ever.

Hmmmbetterchangethis · 10/09/2023 23:52

Standing outside in the dark and cold waiting for your puppy to pee and poo is rubbish. Get a pup in spring/summer if you can.

Original poster
Sleepdeprived42long · 10/09/2023 23:55

@Codlingmoths thank you! You’ve absolutely hit the nail on the head. I have asked him before if he regrets any of the previous decisions and he says no and he’s really glad we decided to, eg, have children when we did, buy our house when we did etc etc.

@ShellySarah yes he says he wants these things, only that he wants to be ready. Then doesn’t regret. But I suppose it does always worry me that maybe he doesn’t actually want these things. Although the dog idea was 100% his to begin with!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepdeprived42long · 10/09/2023 23:57

@DisquietintheRanks of course he’s allowed to say no! I’ve already said in my original post that I’ve said we will wait. Doesn’t mean I don’t find it frustrating though!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepdeprived42long · 11/09/2023 00:05

@Hmmmbetterchangethis thank you. Although living north of Scotland it is often cold/wet in any season lol! But will definitely take that into account and maybe need to be a bit more patient for that reason!

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 11/09/2023 00:08

I think there's a bit of a compromise in here. Dh is much , much more cautious than I am as a person. I'm a lot more likely to just jump in feet first and figure things out as I go but he needs to think it all through and make sure everything is prepared etc beforehand. It's frustrating at times but... he brings a lot of stability and security to my life as a result of it and life is way less stressful and chaotic than when I'm left to my own devices. We're in a better financial position because of him and we do eventually get to the same end result it just takes longer.

The way I look at it is that I can't have the benefits of his cautious nature, without accepting the frustrating aspects - they are part of the same package.

I would talk to him about it and ask him to include you more in his thought process so you understand exactly where he's at on certain things. Often when dh is holding back its because he's worried about xyz and talking it through helps him figure that out. I wouldn't tell your kids until something is an absolute definite between the two of you. And I think you maybe need to agree some time frames for decision making so that you're not indefinitely hanging on and you set time aside to discuss pros and cons together so it's a more joint decision.

Escapetofrance · 11/09/2023 00:29

I think we may have married the same man.
I did manage to persuade my dh to get a dog and now they’re best of friends-in fact the best thing we’ve ever done as a family was getting a dog. I wouldn’t have got one if he wouldn’t have been persuaded though.

Agapornis · 11/09/2023 01:46

Urgh my DH is like this. Cat died of old age, we were going to get a new one after a bit of grieving. It took 8 MONTHS before he somewhat reached the mythical 'ready' stage, when I decided to make the decision for him.
It's bloody ridiculous, exhausting and frustrating. I have no solution except to say DON'T involve him in picking a name for your dog, it'll take him bloody months!

Aprilx · 11/09/2023 02:44

Sleepdeprived42long · 10/09/2023 23:34

@Ponoka7 thanks, that’s a good point. Although we’ve also been advised that best to get a pup in winter so that by summer they are able to go out for longer walks in better weather 🤷‍♀️

OMG no! Get a puppy in summer. I have two dogs, one we got at the beginning of July and the other the end of October, it was so so much easier to house train the summer dog. Forget long walks, just think about regular through the night trips onto the garden at night during winter, it’s not fun.

The lack of readiness sounds extremely irritating, but in this case waiting until summer makes sense.

JanglingJack · 11/09/2023 02:54

I hate having to be the decision maker in any role - I don't mind, I'm not sure, yes that one, I'm not sure again, I'll go with what you want. Is that you want? Yes, but is it what you want? Yes, well actually no now I think about it, I'm not quite ready. Will you be ready at some point? I don't know, maybe, soon, although I wouldn't like to commit to a decision, what do you think?

Just say yes or no!

Thankfully I'm single now!

Gwendimarco · 11/09/2023 07:31

Sounds like a form of procrastination to me. Is he an anxious / perfectionistic type of person?

user1492757084 · 11/09/2023 07:36

You and DS get the puppy and look after it....
DH is too busy until he is not too busy.
Realistically your husband sounds like he has an anxiety.
You guys are all able to make decisions so just get the puppy.

LlynTegid · 11/09/2023 07:42

I'd not want to work with someone like that at all. Is he better when he has to make a decision there and then?

Mistressanne · 11/09/2023 07:48

My df is like this. He’s never made a quick decision in his life.
He’s 90 now and every single thing is an anxiety laden problem.
From what to eat, wear, buy and even allowing us to visit because he may not be ready.
Unless you can sort out the underlying issue it will never change.
I realised about 5 years ago my df has sleep apnoea but it’s too late to do anything now.

Mistressanne · 11/09/2023 07:49

Codlingmoths · 10/09/2023 23:40

Have you told him this and that it makes you feel like every decision sits as your responsibility that it be a success? Ask him does he wish we hadn’t gotten married? That we hadn’t bought a house? That we hadn’t had children? Were these mistakes? Because I feel like I’ve spent years of my life talking you into them and you don’t ever seem to have reflected and gone these worked well for me, I should be more open to and enthusiastic about changes because our life is not 100% my wife’s responsibility. Which is how I feel. What I would like from you is some wholehearted decision making. Im telling the children tonight that dad doesn’t want a dog yet. It’s on you to say yes here, I wash my hands of it. I wash my hands of spending hours cajoling you into making a decision so I get to not only do all that work but take responsibility too. All the literature says you should get a puppy in winter but you explain to the children that you may actually never be ready to get a dog, because you never say yes to things unless mum talks you into them and mum is fed up. Really really fed up.

Unfortunately if OP’s dh has anxiety a chat won’t change anything.

saffronsoup · 11/09/2023 07:50

Sound slike general anxiety. Where little daily things become big mountains.

Do some reading up on anxiety and how it can present in men.

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