To feel frustrated at DH never feeling ‘ready’

[Sleepdeprived42long]

Been with DH for 20 years. Good relationship but I’ve realised that he will not willingly do anything until he feels absolutely ‘ready’. And he never seems to actually feel ready!

I always seem to have to cajole him into stuff (including big stuff like marriage, kids, buying an house) after years of waiting for him to be ‘ready’. I don’t think I forced him into any of those things-he said he wanted them, and doesn’t seem to regret doing/having them, just seems set on the perfect moment that I don’t think exists in real life. He also overthinks things a lot and hates taking risks (worse as he’s got older I’ve noticed 🙈)

The latest thing is that, after a long time thinking about it, a few weeks ago, we decided to get a dog (he was the most keen on the idea). Our DSs are also keen. (this isn’t a debate about getting a dog and where we are getting it from!). We initially discussed early next year but we looked into it and the perfect dog is available in 8 weeks time. I suggested we consider it but he says he’s not ready and wants to wait till next summer now. He says he has too much on at work and it will be hard work-although I’m part time and DS11 is very willing to get involved.

He’s now saying he’s outnumbered and he will just have to go along with it. I’ve said we’ll wait (although I am frustrated about the ‘ready’ thing) but he says I’ve made him feel bad about himself by telling him and the kids about this dog because he’s not ready.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling frustrated that DH never seems to feel ‘ready’ for life stuff that he says he wants? I admit I can be quite impatient so I am fully prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable!

That's what he wants though, so he cang be blamed if it all goes wrong, or he can say things aren't his responsibility.

'I'm not walking the dog in the rain, you got it, you walk it'

Does this ^ happen a lot op?

OK but "no" is not the same as waiting. No would mean that's the end of that. Is he allowed to say no to a dog?

My DH is like this too. It's incredibly frustrating and leads me to think that if anything goes wrong, it's my fault, because I'm the one who's made the decision in the end. Maybe that's the point. He's prone to procrastination anyway. However, I used to think my parents had the same dynamic. My Dad used to not make decisions and was very cautious, especially about money, but my mum was always complaining about how she had to do everything. Now he has died, she doesn't make any decisions about anything, so maybe him being over cautios forced her to do things?

I often feel like this. I am an anxious person though, so often struggle to commit to something and then, when I do, I worry that I've made the right choice! This is the only way, really, that my anxiety shows itself to others, if that makes sense.

I spent 22 years with someone like this buying anything was hard work, beds, carpets etc. then he often changed his mind when it was too late. Unfortunately he didn't seem to have a problem with starting an affair, just didn't feel ready to tell me, and get divorced first. It was a terrible shock to him when I divorced him, he really wasn't ready!
We never did get a dog, it was one of the first things I did after the divorce, and one of my best decisions!

I do agree with him, much better to get a new dog in spring, otherwise you’ll have a shock doing all the walking in the dark and cold. But I am a bit like your DH, I need to come to things in my own time.

Some people are just more cautious or anxious.

My DH is like this. He used to be much worse than he is now. I used to be so understanding and put off really crucial things in our lives - like having kids (eight years after we agreed we wanted them - I was almost past fertile stage!)

Then we were due to move house and almost lost our buyers because he wasn't sure about the one (absolutely lovely and very affordable) rental property available that we could move into immediately in the area we were moving to. He wanted to 'wait and see' if anything else came up. Only two rentals had come up in the past year in that area.

For the first time in our ten-year marriage I went behind his back. I told the agent we'd take it and then told him I'd paid the deposit. The only rows we've ever had in our lives have been blazing ones about him wanting to 'wait and see' while we miss out on excellent holiday deals etc etc. So now, I just do things. If he agrees in principle but wants to dither i just book holidays, bring pets home, book tradesmen to come and fix up the house etc etc.

i decided not to waste energy wishing he was different, or trying to persuade him. After an almighty row about 10 years ago when I absolutely refused to apologise or back down, he started to realise that him blocking everything was the issue, not my frustration at him. Interestingly, he got diagnosed with autism and has been a lot better since, as he realises that the hatred of change is linked to that. Now he battles it and can book a holiday in the blink of an eye or book theatre tickets spontaneously. It's very endearing after years of dragging his feet.

I think we're all missing the crucial point.

What sort of dog are you going to get?

Agreeing to get a dog then saying you have to wait an entire year is shit and cruel to your 11yo TBH. Once the decision is made you start looking and move forward with the plan.
YANBU. Don't take his dithering into account on this one.

This is exactly how I would put it to him. He needs to hear this.

I wouldn't count on the 11 yo to help much with the dog after the novelty wears off ( 2 weeks for most children). I have a lot of experience with dogs and there is no way I would have gone for a 8 weeks old puppy - they are too much hard work. We got a 5 months old Cockapoo last year as the owners realised he was a lot harder work than they had bargained for. We got him half price and with all the vaccinations, supply of food etc. He is now 15 months old and loves us to bits and very much part of our family. Would your husband consider an older dog? If you do decide to get a puppy, do insist on seeing the puppy with the mother to avoid supporting puppy mills

My Dh genuinely thought one day he would suddenly feel ready to get married and be able to get into a venue and get his relatives across from N. Ireland across that day

I think he honestly thinks he should be able to decide on a day he's going on holiday and just tell work and sail off because he's decided he feels ready that day

Where as in reality he's actually terrible at being spontaneous and needs everything well planned.

But he seems to have this inbuilt belief that he needs to be ready before doing anything and he cannot articulate what this ready is, when he will get there and why it will be different to right now

Luckily he is quite amenable to being told to stop faffing and get on and then he will take some or all of the responsibility for the organisation and not just leave it all to me. Otherwise I don't think we would have made it to the wedding!

He is getting better. I think it's partly because he had parents who insisted on trying to make all decisions for him even as a young adult and as they were domineering/abusive he never really had that transition into adulthood a lot of people have which left him feeling like he wasn't really a proper grown up and therefore not ready for grown up things. He has improved though and "when he's ready' tends to be a joke now rather than reality but you do have my sympathy because he can slip back into it amazingly easily and I suddenly realise we are waiting for nothing for something we can do right now.

My DH is like this. After 35 years together I've learnt to ignore him if there's no good reason to wait. He's never complained about it and always sells any changes as 'his decision'.
I think he's just crap at making decisions in case he gets it wrong. Everything is thus put off until tomorrow.

My DH is an overthinker and struggles to make decisions, and isn't great at taking risks. So I make the decisions and tell him what the plan is once I've decided.

Mine can’t make any decisions let alone ones on the spur of the moment. I think it’s sheer laziness personally.
I’ve long given up waiting for him to decide so generally I just crack on and go ahead. He never disagree so I assume he’s ok with my decisions.

UPDATE

Wanted to come back to this thread to give massive thanks to @Codlingmoths! I did exactly as you suggested and, hey presto, it opened up a proper conversation with DH about how I felt about it all. Turned out the main thing holding DH back (how we were going to be able to go on already booked holiday) was actually a fairly easy fix (call to kennels and provisionally booked in) and so he’s now 100% on board and we’re picking up puppy next month 🐶 everyone happy!