To feel like I made the wrong choice

[Wearegoingsomewhere]

Dd2 is 7 weeks. I naively thought she’d just slot in, everyone said that happened with second children. It hasn’t, and dd1 is pretty much being ignored. I feel awful. Does this pass? Please help.

Why is DD1 being pretty much ignored? Are we talking for the full 7 weeks?

Dd2 is very needy, I have to hold her and walk round with her all the time so don’t get much of a chance to interact with dd1.

She’s a few weeks old - what actually happens if you leave her to play with DD1?

I'm not sure I've ever heard anyone saying second dc slots in, nutters! It will pass.

It's hard but it does get easier. Can partner/husband take care of baby's so you can spend time with dc1

How old is Dd1?
Is she old enough to be your little helper to get a nappy or choose the baby's clothes etc?

Can you read her a book while she sits next to you when you are feeding dd2?

It's always hard to get into a new routine so be kind to yourself

I had a Velcro baby for dc2. Get a sling. Perfect for shoving dc2 in while you help dc1 build an epic brio train track etc.

is dc1 at preschool at all?

I had awful sickness throughout my second pregnancy and couldn’t interact with my DS.
It gets easier. A wise person told me that I was giving my DS the best gift ever. Seeing my two (now teenagers) interacting, they are best friends who will be there for each other for life. DS has no recollection of the lack of interaction from me when he was four years old.

Dd2 screams and sobs hysterically, if you put her down. I can’t bear it.

Slings aren’t really all that helpful. They have their uses but I can’t really bend down with one on so still a bit limited in terms of actually talking to and really interacting with her. I definitely don’t find them a catch all. I also don’t really like them to be honest but willing to suck it up.

She definitely doesn’t want to be my helper

You can still interact by talking and singing though. I’ve never heard anyone say a second slots right in, I think that’s a 3rd or 4th. Second one arriving is HARD, but it does pass. Go easy on yourself.

I had this it nearly killed me. I was so close to crying all the time.
I was alone most of the time. With no support and a husband that's not very hands on. He was very angry I couldn't manage when his first wife did. My patents told me I was useless and shouldn't even have kids. ( that started before I had dd1). Non of my friends had more than one kid so they didn't really understand.
Then I went to a sling library. Honestly it was a game changer. I also met women through it.
Oh and it does pass. My marriage survived, but I leant my lesson regarding my husband. My parents still comment. But I have made more friends now. I definitely feel better....... and I had another kid so it must have worked. You'll soon get into a groove.

That’s horrible @Lonejohny

The thing with the sling is in obviously a lot taller than dd1, dd2 doesn’t like it if you sit or bend down with it, you have to be stood up and moving so it’s not much help for talking/singing. It’s good if you’re at the park or something though.

You just have to sit with it on and let dd2 get used to it.

Like I say I know for some people slings are the answer to everything but they aren’t here. They have a place but that’s all.

I could have written this.

DS was 4 when DD was born, it was so difficult to start but it does get better. 3 years on and it's totally different. I had to be so careful not to show my frustrations because I didn't want him picking up on that. He once said 'everything was so much quieter and nicer when SHE wasn't here' and I thought I'd totally failed as a mam. I got him involved more and made it more of a 'team effort'. It is hard though.

Like others I find the sling a godsend. If she gets to sleep in it do you have more freedom of movement? DS2 also dislikes me sitting and bending in the sling if he's awake, but once asleep is sound asleep. What is DD1 into? With DS1 I did a lot of Lego at the table and reading on the sofa. Board games and jigsaws came into their own too.

Yes it gets easier. Your guilt will be very much triggered by your tiredness. Yes dd1 will be getting less attention but that isn't a bad thing, it's just different to before. It's a normal part of having a sibling. It will settle down I promise.

I had the same guilt with dc2 and dc3. Dc3 was also a velcro baby and didn't allow us to put her down at all. They all 3 have a lovely relationship (mostly !! ) with each other now but even at school age get a bit territorial sometimes about parental attention. It's a quite normal part of family life I think.

Friend swears by a swinging chair seat. She says settles velcro baby, she sits next to it and plays with older dc

'everything was so much quieter and nicer when SHE wasn't here' have had similar thoughts myself! Not that I don’t want to have her or don’t love her but things seem to have been so uncomplicated.

I am trying my best but even things like playing on the park is hard (yes I do use a sling for that lol.) We can’t go swimming or to the trampoline park or soft play in the week, it just makes me a bit sad.

I also have to be careful as dd1 isn’t always kind to her sister. Even if I can put her down which I usually can’t dd1 has sometimes pinched her or hurt her with a toy.

Look for a sling library. They are not all the same.

Some can be worn on the front and some on the back.

The ones which leave dangling legs are the worst imho.

The ones where the baby is basically swaddled are the most 'comforting' and encourage the baby to sleep on you.

Yep fabric stretchy wrap sling was the thing that finally worked so Velcro baby would snooze and I could get on floor or walk about.

its still early days, you’re still recovering from the birth, be kind to yourself. It gets easier.

I have got a swaddling one but I have to be honest here I don’t want to discuss slings particularly. Dd2 has one, she goes in it, she naps in it if you’re standing up and walking. If you are still or sit down even squatting not that that’s comfortable then she gets very fussy and squirms and writhes.

They are useful. I never go out without mine as she won’t even go in her pram at the moment. But they aren’t a complete solution either.

Honestly think I only found it easy going from 1 to 2 because of the age gap. My eldest was already 4 and at school. My youngest did slot in because I just went from spending the day with my eldest, to him going to school and spending the day with my youngest. I have friends that had 2 under 2 and they definitely did not find their second just slotted in, they found it overwhelming and bloody difficult! So ignore people saying they slotted in, because it might be very different circumstances. The 6 week summer holidays just made me realise that having two isn't easy whatsoever, and I only coped as well as I have this far because I rarely had full days on my own with them. 6 weeks has broken me!

Thanks @pinotgringo , it is hard. I feel very guilty and like neither of them are getting the attention they deserve.