To feel like I made the wrong choice

[Wearegoingsomewhere]

Dd2 is 7 weeks. I naively thought she’d just slot in, everyone said that happened with second children. It hasn’t, and dd1 is pretty much being ignored. I feel awful. Does this pass? Please help.

I think you just need to be more selective in what you're doing with them both. Watching a movie in bed together, reading a book together, board games, drawing and colouring in, singing together, going on walks together etc
It's a huge adjustment but it is only temporary and your dd1 will remember more of what you've done together than what you haven't. Can you call in family etc to do a little babysitting with dd1 so she's getting some extra attention or can you and your partner if you have one take turns with dd2?

oh OP I do feel for you - I had a 21 month gap between my first 2 - traumatic delivery, diagnosed PTSD, useless (now ex) 'D'H - I cried myself to sleep many a night thinking about poor DD1 - my mum helped - taking DD2 so I could spend time with DD1 and we did many many many trips out to see the ducks etc

DD2 was a very fussy baby, didn;t sleep, difficult to feed - it was very hard

But in less than a week DD1 and DD2 will be off to Uni (yrs 1+2) and I will miss them so much - it GETS BETTER so hang on in there and try not to feel guilty - you are doing your best - this too will pass xxx

How old is DD1?

@Lavender14 this is exactly my issue really, looking at that list.

1. dd1 wouldn’t watch a movie anyway even if she did dd2 wouldn’t tolerate being still for that long
2. Surprisingly difficult reading a book together as have to capture dd1 and persuade her to sit with me hope dd2 doesn’t start crying ..,
3. See 2 for board games and colouring in, tbh dd1 isn’t really interested yet anyway

We do have walks but I have to have dd1 in pushchair while dd2 in sling so I can’t really chat to her.

Yes to trying to do things together - read a book, snuggle up and watch a film, baths times etc and try and get separate bedtime when possible.

I couldn;t use slings - I'm short and would constantly bang their heads on counter tops etc trying to do stuff!

Hoping for gets better. Dd1 is 2 and a half.

I feel for you - DD1 wasn't even 2 - it was so hard - get out as much as you can if DD2 will tolerate a pram walk along with DD1 even if it's just round the block and for the love of cheese get their dad to take DD2 so you have time to be with DD1 and to breathe

He does but obviously it’s hard when he’s at work

How old is DD1? Can she be in childcare for some of the time? Gives you a break from worrying, DD1 gets a chance to play with friends and run off some steam. May make it a little easier?

Hippy chick seat?

I have twins so carried one on the hippy chick seat and the other in the sling with one hand free!Hippychick seat

Age gap was the same with mine. One thing that helped was when the baby was crying and I said to DC1, "It won't always be like this, you know. The baby will start growing up soon, and then she'll be a bigger baby who doesn't cry so much and she might even play with you."

DC1 seemed to find that reassuring. I don't think it had occurred to him that this wouldn't go on for ever.

I'm 5'9 so I get what your saying but I did wear mine around the house. Bedtime was much better because I had both hands and could read a book and cuddle her.
I was very lucky because my work colleague popped in and saw me struggling. She's a lovely lady who came over here from another country and her husband left her. She brought up her kids alone. She told me to say 'your scream is important to me you are number two in the queue.' Some how it made me really laugh. My kids picked up on me laughing and felt better plus I was interacting with them.
Even now with older children I say it to them and they know I love them and will get to them.
Honestly my love, it will get better you will surprise yourself how deep you dug and how well you did.
Plus I'm a massive attachment parent - which I think is pushed on us mums a bit. Social media doesn't help nor does judgement from health visitors etc.
Find what works for you and if anyone says anything or you watch at clip of some perfect mother who advises stupid stuff like let the baby cry so you can set the table for breakfast the night before. Just remember some women run off to the beach to give birth without any medical intervention and some women let their kids watch I pads all day.
Oh BTW ( I never tell anyone) my husband leaves for work early. I keep yogurt pouches, banana and a chocolate broise roll in the cupboard by the bed and the kids throw a towel on the bed and have a breakfast picnic while i feed the baby drinking decaff coffee from the tassimo ( also by the bed).
No one knows because
Health visitor would suggest a better routine.
My parents would say no children in the bed
Most importantly mumsnet would vomit at the thought of eating in bed. Lol

I feel the same. It's very hard. Slings don't work for us either around the house. DD (2 1/2) goes to nursery still for some of the week so I can have one to one time with the baby, and then to get alone time with her I either get partner or grandparents to have the baby for a bit. I also do bedtime with her so we have one on one snuggly time. Could that work if Dad is around in the evenings?

@Wearegoingsomewhere

I really
Didn't get on with slings with any of mine.

Not sure if it's because I was short like another poster said or I just got hot and bothered and so did the babies and I wasn't that confident as I couldn't see my feet if that makes sense.

Our third baby had reflux badly so was always wanting to be upright and on the move so I remember it well.

I used to put the youngest in a jiggling vibrating egg chair type thing I bought out of frustration but was the best buy ever.

I used to put her down in it and manoeuvre it to wherever I was so she could still see us and although to start with she would squirm and cry she got used to it quickly and there were peaceful times

You just need to bite the bullet and put her down. She'll have to get used to it

So neither child is more important than the other, if your second one doesn't need something immediately, you need to put her in a cot or bouncer and tend to your first child. She's not going to die from grizzling.

She told me to say 'your scream is important to me you are number two in the queue.'

LOVE this ! 😁

Going from 1-2 is really really hard. Who said she'll just slot in. Crazy.

What about reading books whilst you hold baby. Walks outside when DD2 is in the sling? What about baby rhyme time at the local library? Going to a cafe once you're comfortable? Playground with the sling on? Play dates with friends who could hold baby for a while?

How old is DD1? X

I just saw the age.

What about play doh, colouring, Kinetic sand, water play whilst it's still hot in the garden. I have boys but my 2y4m old loves puzzles, colour matching games, I got this preschool folder with lots of different matching things, he likes cars, we have this rocket blaster for outside he loves (can be used inside too), Lego Duplo etc

Re films, he loves the stick man, smeds and smoos, gruffalo, duggee (tv Show).

I went to a lot of playgroups at this stage, three days a week. Dc1 could play safely, people would help with the baby, and there was free coffee. We also walked every day with dog.

I promise you it definitely does get easier!

22 months between my two....when I was pregnant with my second child, every single person told me that the second was so much easier, he would just 'slot in' etc. God knows what I was expecting but it was not the harsh reality of having a newborn baby and a toddler. Honestly I think I just survived for the first 6 months or so, I felt like a failure and it was just so bloody hard. I felt guilty that I couldn't just sit and cuddle my son for hours like I did when my daughter was a baby, and also felt guilty that I couldn't do activities and things with my daughter.

I k ow everyone who has suggested slings is doing so with the best intentions, and everyone suggested the same to me, but like you they weren't some life changing thing that suddenly made life easier, so I totally get you.

I tried to do lots of play dates - mainly inviting mums and kids round so my daughter had someone to play with for an hour or two. Luckily my daughter started getting very into the Toy Story movies at this time so we were also able to flop in front of the TV for a bit watching that together. I also had a box of fidget toys for my daughter that I'd bring out when I needed to feed her brother. It got easier when he was big enough to sit in a high chair, he'd sit with some of those toys that stick to the highchair while me and my daughter would do some baking together.

I found going out with both children really, really daunting and in hindsight I wish I'd pushed myself to have gone out more and built my confidence up. It probably would have made my life a little bit easier.

It feels really hard just now - it is!! - but it won't be like this forever. I promise!

Agree toddler groups might be your saviour, aim to have a place to go daily. Will dc1 be starting preschool soon?

a bouncy vibrating chair might help dc2 settle.

I have a 2.5 year old and a 12 week old and feel the same, baby won't be put down, cries as soon as she's led down and the sling is great but if I'm sat down with it on she cries and cries.

I feel very guilty on DD1. I've found going to groups every day helps