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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My parents are suffocating me

47 replies

StrongTea22 · 10/09/2023 20:00

Ok, so we moved 10 years ago to walking distance of my parents.

All fine but since retiring my dad has really started to just call round at the most stressful times or you know when you are trying to switch off with no bra on and watch tv.

We have a number of children, I work, my husband works from home and now, with the advent of the menopause I am dimly running out of all my f#%ks and I’m losing my temper massively with this manipulation of my week and him turning up unexpectedly.

He calls in because basically we have young kids and never leave the house, or turns up after school, teatime which is frantic, or bedtime.

Hes just been round and started telling me he’s going to call up and do some jobs (we’ve some animals and outbuildings) after staying away the whole of the summer holidays, and I just can’t seem to get him to understand that I don’t want to be called in on and my day/week dictated by having to see other people and him walking in.

some days I just need to not see anyone. For my mental health but also because I spend all my time doing for other people and some days I want to do my own thing, which doesn’t include having to speak to people civilly or wearing a bra.

I am struggling with having boundaries and putting them in place without exploding with hormones and telling him to leave me alone.

I want to see him but just maybe not as his job every other day. He’s really focussed on when I’m working and uses that as a way of knowing if I’m ‘free’

Help. Short of locking the doors I aren’t sure what to do. I have tried talking to him calmly but I’m running out of calmness.

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 10/09/2023 20:06

Tbh, the mistake was in moving so close, but I guess moving away now is not an option.....

Backtothe90ties · 10/09/2023 20:08

I live close to my parents although not walking distance and have similar problems with my Dad. He has been known to turn up when my DH have a free house and are enjoying adult time. No advice really but you do have all my sympathy!

Morechocmorechoc · 10/09/2023 20:10

Easy solution, you and your partner get naked.....should only turn up once unannounced!!!

UpaladderwatchingTV · 10/09/2023 20:10

Can you not just say to him 'Dad, it's lovely having you living so close, but I'm afraid you calling in every day isn't working for me'. If he seems confused or upset, tell him that you're going through the menopause, and need a lot of alone time at present, but that you'll invite him round when you feel up to having visitors Probably just mentioning the menopause will be enough to frighten him away. lol.

Original poster
StrongTea22 · 10/09/2023 20:14

We have moved since. He is here just as much. I think his retirement has played more of a role rather than distance.

OP posts:
Original poster
StrongTea22 · 10/09/2023 20:15

Too many kids 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
StrongTea22 · 10/09/2023 20:20

Honestly I don’t think he is going to listen.

He has a really hard time understanding people and goes on a loop. His current loop is ‘there are jobs that need doing on the outbuildings’ he will forget/overide and dismiss my asking for space and see it as a personal affront of me telling him what to do.

I have asked him for set days for work on the animals/outbuildings …says nothing.

it’s really affecting my mental health, like now I’m really riled up and cross and I have spent today chilling and he’s turned up to tell me what’s happening and when he’s coming up and I’ve an interview this week, plans with friends and It’s making me grind my teeth, not only that but that he’s ignoring my boundaries by staying away on HIS terms so I still don’t know when he’s going to blinking turn up.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 10/09/2023 20:21

Lock the doors.
Then he's got to ring your doorbell.
You then answer the door, don't open it wide, and you say "Dad, this isn't a good time for you to call over. Can you come back tomorrow after 4 please and we can have a chat then?"

Repeat but each time make sure there's a slightly longer gap of time between his visits.

What does your husband/partner say when he finds your dad in your living room or kitchen each time he gets home?

Original poster
StrongTea22 · 10/09/2023 20:22

I feel like saying just because I’m not working doesn’t mean my time is free-jog on!

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 10/09/2023 20:25

It does sound like he's using your house and family to fill the void since retiring.
You're going to need to spell it out.
You have kids, a DH, jobs, animals, a house to run. You're grateful for his offers but his need to keep busy is encroaching on your life and it's causing more stress than it's helping. He needs to find other things to do to entertain himself, you and your family are not a project.
Visits should be mutually agreed and if he can't stick to them, then a locked door approach might just be needed.

Original poster
StrongTea22 · 10/09/2023 20:26

Yes I think this is the route I’m going to have to do because god help me he is not listening.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 10/09/2023 20:27

About this:

it’s really affecting my mental health, like now I’m really riled up and cross and I have spent today chilling and he’s turned up to tell me what’s happening and when he’s coming up and I’ve an interview this week, plans with friends and It’s making me grind my teeth, not only that but that he’s ignoring my boundaries by staying away on HIS terms so I still don’t know when he’s going to blinking turn up.

Phone him, or better yet, you walk around to his house and you stand at the door and say "Dad, when you were saying that you'd call over during the week to do X or Y, I'm sorry but it's really not a good week for you to do this. I can't have you dropping around this week as I'm so busy as is DH and the kids. We'll have to find a different time for that work to happen, so you're not going to be coming around to mine this week. Just so you understand?"

But definitely start by locking doors and side gates. Do you have a video doorbell? You could get notifications of movement and tell him over the doorbell that he can't come in. Feck being on his terms.
You're an adult now. If he acts pissed off by you locking your doors, so be it. You're likely to get some peace and quiet while he licks his "wounds" (such as they are).

PonyPatter44 · 10/09/2023 20:28

Would your mum support you? Would she hide his trousers to stop him coming round (ok, extreme example, but you get my drift)?

Original poster
StrongTea22 · 10/09/2023 20:29

It’s a bit more complicated than it being just a house as we have shared responsibility for buildings and animals (which i do most of as I live here) and he picks and chooses around what might need to happen with animals.

Hisband works from home and just tells my dad he’s in a meeting.

I was getting ready the other day and answered the locked door in a towel and said I didn’t have time to talk as I was going out and he still wanted to chat to me and I’m stood with a towel and my hair dripping trying g to get ready. Gah!

OP posts:
Freyad · 10/09/2023 20:32

We have a similar set up. It’s usually fine but I do feel like unless my front door is locked I find myself going for a shower with my toddler and just hoping they aren’t in my hall when I get out. I’ve just had another baby and I’m trying to express milk for her. They sometimes come to my back door as my toddler could be napping and will hear them if they come round the front but it puts me on edge that I could be sitting with the pump on and they just waltz in 🙈 It’s made me realise how much my home isn’t my own when they could just arrive at any point and be looking through the glass door. No idea what the solution is other than majorly offend them and tell them to call first

Original poster
StrongTea22 · 10/09/2023 20:35

It’s so hard isn’t it.

I think I’m going to have to go see him and just say like I feel like my life isn’t my own and that it’s a bit suffocating.

With the animals it would be good for us to have set days where possible but it’s this constant calling up and I’m just not coping well with anything at the moment and I’m just going to explode.
My advice would be to establish those boundaries now whilst the kids are young.

OP posts:
mycoffeecup · 10/09/2023 20:35

on doorstep 'Oh hi Dad, I wish you'd phone it isn't convenient now. Please can you phone next time. Got to go, I'm on a work call'

shut door

don't open it again

Original poster
StrongTea22 · 10/09/2023 20:36

Yeah maybe but he’d probably dismiss her too.

He is very selfish in his own way.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 10/09/2023 20:37

His behaviour is stressing you constantly.
You having a straight, honest, adult conversation could upset him, but you can't continue as you are. Don't pussy foot around the issues, if you're going to improve the situation you have to lay all your cards on the table. Be totally upfront about how his behaviour is making you feel.

Original poster
StrongTea22 · 10/09/2023 20:39

He’s been licking his wounds over summer as I had a rant about no time and the kids been at home over summer, so he’s stayed well away.

Now the kids are back at school…he’s back.

The thing is it’s not just this week, it’s every week. I’ve been trying to tell him now for nearly a year and he’s just been a pain so yeah I need to address it.

Weekends. Evenings. I’d just like to know when I’m seeing people!

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 10/09/2023 20:42

Can you tell him that his giving you space seems to be slipping back into the old habits?

Original poster
StrongTea22 · 10/09/2023 20:53

I’m going to have to speak to him tomorrow with my mum there and say I feel suffocated and I’m not coping well with the menopause.

I am just really, really tired. It’s the third time I’ve seen him this week already and the kids have gone back to school. I also am realising I need time alone to the point where I’ve told my husband to work out of the house a day a week just so I have a day without being seen/moaned at/or feel like I’m answerable to anyone for what I’m doing.

He has said before to me ‘I’m like you (as in busy) with all your mums appointments.’

Yes that’s exactly the same as having a part time job and raising kids and a home. Exactly the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
StrongTea22 · 10/09/2023 20:55

The timing is crucial for this as I am not been very calm and adult about it when I’m feeling RAGE.

Instead I’m grinding my teeth and having imaginary conversations about boundaries and not acting in a very balanced mental way about it.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 10/09/2023 21:01

Don't bring the menopause into the situation (even if you think it's relevant) because he sounds like the type of person that hears something like that and he latches on to it like "women and their hormones" and he'll ignore anything else you have to say.

Best of luck.

Songbird54321 · 10/09/2023 21:08

We live close to my partners family. Not only do I lock the door, I leave they key in. Thankfully they're not the type to drop in unannounced but you can never be too careful. I can be quite anti social and have zero qualms about ignoring the door/phone if I'm not in the mood for people. Certain people I wouldn't (work, the school, doctors etc) but I always think if it's really urgent they'll try again or text/leave a voicemail.
He's not taking your hints, so I'd probably go in quite firmly at this point. He may take it personally but honestly, that's his problem. You can't be going on feeling like this in your own home.