My parents are suffocating me

[StrongTea22]

Ok, so we moved 10 years ago to walking distance of my parents.

All fine but since retiring my dad has really started to just call round at the most stressful times or you know when you are trying to switch off with no bra on and watch tv.

We have a number of children, I work, my husband works from home and now, with the advent of the menopause I am dimly running out of all my f#%ks and I’m losing my temper massively with this manipulation of my week and him turning up unexpectedly.

He calls in because basically we have young kids and never leave the house, or turns up after school, teatime which is frantic, or bedtime.

Hes just been round and started telling me he’s going to call up and do some jobs (we’ve some animals and outbuildings) after staying away the whole of the summer holidays, and I just can’t seem to get him to understand that I don’t want to be called in on and my day/week dictated by having to see other people and him walking in.

some days I just need to not see anyone. For my mental health but also because I spend all my time doing for other people and some days I want to do my own thing, which doesn’t include having to speak to people civilly or wearing a bra.

I am struggling with having boundaries and putting them in place without exploding with hormones and telling him to leave me alone.

I want to see him but just maybe not as his job every other day. He’s really focussed on when I’m working and uses that as a way of knowing if I’m ‘free’

Help. Short of locking the doors I aren’t sure what to do. I have tried talking to him calmly but I’m running out of calmness.

Put headphones on and tell him you are in a work call.

Don't tell him you are free. Just say work is going to get quite hectic next few months.

This is what my OH said.

The issue is he will still hang about and I’m trapped for gardening/washing/dog walking then. He still can hang about ‘doing jobs’ outside because of animals etc, but it just feels like he doesn’t know where the boundaries are and keeps pushing, push, pushing me to the point where I am becoming too angry and resentful to WANT to spend time with him of my choosing.

I’m going to mention the menopause as I mentioned needing space and he thinks it’s me needing help or things done and I don’t. I just want to be left alone a bit more and feel listened to.

I think you'll have to find someone else to do the jobs around your place until you can establish some boundaries.

Hire someone else to do the jobs that need doing.

Keep your door locked - if necessary change the locks.

I hate to say it but would he listen if your DH talked to him? He isn't listening to your boundaries probably as he sees you as an extension of him as you are his daughter. Where as DH is a step removed.

Does he have a stake in the property/ animals so has to be involved? Or is his wanting to come do stuff with them a 'kindness'? Or is your mum getting fed up of him being under her feet at home since he retired so sends him over to you?

If he’s really not listening you could try

”Look dad, I’ve tried to be tactful and skirt round the issue but it’s not working. This is embarrassing to explain but dh and I like to use the daytime when the kids are at school to have sex. All over the house. Naked. Loudly. You must stick to set days for coming and call before you come. Completely non negotiable.”

If your outside space is still accessible to your father, you need better fencing, locked gates etc. It is unacceptable for anyone to wander onto/into your property whenever they feel like it, and that includes your father. All the other stuff (WFH, menopause, kids etc) is irrelevant because he just shouldn't be turning up without an invitation. If he rings the doorbell, don't answer it!

And if all else fails - have another rant.
You have one life - this is making you ill.

This!!

Tell your mum and have her have a word. That’s how it works in most families.

What’s your relationship like with your mum? She isn’t coming round every five minutes, from what you’ve said, so presumably she has a more normal sense of boundaries? Talking to her would be my next step.

Lock the door, go round and tell them both this is dpi your head in, go when the rage is boiling over and let it rip! He needs to know what it’s doing to you. I would go as crazy as you with the not known and constantly feeling he’ll arrive

This! Think he needs to be shocked.

Yes there’s a shared stake in the property.Over drummer I had to tell him not to come and cut our grass as it was the only week I’d had without the kids and it wasn’t a priority. He listened to be fair.

Yes I’ve had to have DH tell him to leave me alone before when he was on another loop.

He sits and ruminates/repeats stuff in his own head that have no truth or logic based upon real people situations and it’s so frustrating.

I’ll speak to him today. OH says I should just say ‘I’m not talking to you about x,y,z. On whatever day I don’t want to be bothered with it but the fact is he is just turning up and yesterday, I’d just had a bath, my hair was falling out and then had to make a cup of Twain my pyjamas with no bra on because he turned up. FMAL

My MIL was like this, every single day for hours at a time for years.
We had a argument over something silly (that she started), she stormed out of the front door and I've not seen or heard a peep out of her for nearly seven weeks now.
My advice is.. start an argument enjoy the peace.

This is a bit confusing as you say he has some repsonsibilities but you are seething that he comes to assume those responsibilities.

You also said he stayed away all summer but has shown up and again you are seething he is there at all.

If you don't want him ever on your property, then you need to legally / formally dissolve any partnership or property that has led to the shared responsibility. Then you can get a trespassing order to keep him off the property.

As long as you have shared responsibilities, it seems he has some right to the outbuildings and animals and you can't control all access to them. Assuming your house is not shared property, you can keep it locked and not answer and you don't need to ever speak or interact with him at all.

I don’t think your dad can do right for doing wrong. You are overwhelmed, everything is a jumble. You need an actual holiday and to reset your life. It sounds like you have a farm/something similar with your parents so tbh your home will never be just yours in that set up.

If you don’t want the life you have, change it, but I don’t think this stems from how much time you can spend with your bra off.

He sounds like he needs to speak to you about whatever pops in his head - could you ask him to list the jobs he wants to do and then they are removed from his head?
then you could organize a good day to work on x or y and you can be out and about?
Surely he can make tea himself? Does he need a hand? What does he want you there for?
Does your mum give him specific instructions and he’s worried about things being wrong?

Tell him and don’t hold back.
Stop coming over. Be clear.
If you want to come over, text me in advance and we will arrange it.
Set days for animal care must be organised today

I won’t be answering the door or phone on days when I need to rest. I have a busy life and lots of demands and need down time.

Lock the doors, ignore him if he turns up.
If you are outside, tell him you are having a quiet day, go inside, lock the door.

You are being far too nice . He is a selfish man who is happy to trample all over your boundaries to serve himself.

Umm ... I mean of you don't want your dad coming rounf all the time, why on earth did you move so near and buy property/animals together.

You've made your own problems here.

No I’m not doing that, it’s not harassment! Just a man who needs to do something and he’s no boundaries in place with people.

I’ll speak to him and report back 😩

A man with no boundaries you say?? 🙄

It’s not difficult to see why you have this issue op, it’s a chaotic shambles and you can’t speak your mind clearly! Just tell him.
No offence Dad, but can you text before turning up I might be busy bathing/ sleeping/making cake in my knickers and need some god damn privacy in my own home sometimes. Thanks 😊