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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think comments like this are not supportive?

41 replies

Weightlosswally · 10/09/2023 19:03

Outside perspective welcome. Would you find these sort of comments from your spouse/best friend/parent/ someone else you’re close with supportive?

Person A needs to lose weight. They are very aware of this, have a lot to lose but have a lot of issues with food and weight for many years.

Person A bought some chocolate today and person B has expressed their disappointment and wanted to know why person A had messed up their diet today.

This is their way of helping and supporting but Person A does not find this helpful. Person B knows this but continues to make comments like this frequently.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 10/09/2023 19:05

How much time does person a spend saying they need to lose weight?

MatthewsMumFromTikTok · 10/09/2023 19:06

So you want them to ignore this?

Or say y'yes, go on, treat yourself'?

Are they examples of being 'supportive'?

Tinkerbyebye · 10/09/2023 19:06

Person B needs to be far more supportive. If I was A they would be told to do one

Luxell934 · 10/09/2023 19:06

How badly does person A need to lose weight? Have they had a recent heart attack/stroke/health scare?

NalafromtheLionKing · 10/09/2023 19:08

No, I would find them annoying and none of their business.

Original poster
Weightlosswally · 10/09/2023 19:09

Person A does not tend to talk about losing weight. They know they need to but not in a good head space for it right now.

OP posts:
MatthewsMumFromTikTok · 10/09/2023 19:10

What do you want person B to do/say?

00100001 · 10/09/2023 19:11

person B is a knob. Nobody is messing up a diet by eating some chocolate. It's perfectly possible to lose weight and eat chocolate...

Luxell934 · 10/09/2023 19:12

Weightlosswally · 10/09/2023 19:09

Person A does not tend to talk about losing weight. They know they need to but not in a good head space for it right now.

If person A doesn't talk about losing weight with person B then how do they know they are on a "diet"?

Original poster
Weightlosswally · 10/09/2023 19:14

Person B expects person A to be on a diet and losing weight constantly.

OP posts:
MCOut · 10/09/2023 19:15

Shame and disappointment don’t really work. Person B should help them shrug it off because it’s in the past and subtly focus on helping them getting back on track for the next meal. Asking them what they’ve planned for dinner for example or sharing a recipe.

Floralnomad · 10/09/2023 19:16

I think I’d be getting shot of person B , whoever they are .

crumblylancs · 10/09/2023 19:20

Has person A asked for support from person B regarding weight loss?

Squarepegroundhole78 · 10/09/2023 19:22

I don't like the 'shaming' approach by person B. We all have challenges and I think it's really up to person A to lose weight if and when they want to.

Original poster
Weightlosswally · 10/09/2023 19:23

crumblylancs · 10/09/2023 19:20

Has person A asked for support from person B regarding weight loss?

No. Person B just likes to offer their comments and advice on a daily basis. They also ask person A if they’ve weighed themselves everyday and whether they’ve lost weight.

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 10/09/2023 19:24

Person B isn’t being supportive. My DP was supportive of me when I was losing weight and he would not have dreamed of commenting on what I was eating and telling me I’d messed up. Supporting someone who is trying to lose weight can include things like:

  • Not suggesting meals out all the time
  • Checking what’s helpful for them to have in the fridge/cupboard when doing the weekly shop
  • Not being annoyed or calling them boring when they turn down a dessert or an alcoholic drink
  • Telling them how well they’re doing when they tell you they’ve lost a few pounds
  • Reassuring them that they support you in wanting to lose weight, but that their love/attraction for you is the same regardless of whether you do or not
  • Doing active stuff with them, like suggesting a bike ride or a hike, and also being happy to accompany them when they suggest it

It doesn’t include nitpicking or calling them a failure.

Luxell934 · 10/09/2023 19:25

Weightlosswally · 10/09/2023 19:23

No. Person B just likes to offer their comments and advice on a daily basis. They also ask person A if they’ve weighed themselves everyday and whether they’ve lost weight.

Show quote history

So has Person A explained that they are not currently in the right head space for weight loss and would rather they be left to it from now on?

bakewellbride · 10/09/2023 19:39

Person b needs to accept it's nothing to do with them and not say anything ever again. I know some very obese people and I'd never dream of passing comment, how rude and cringey.

Certainlyreally · 10/09/2023 19:43

Can't you just say which one you are and who the pther person is to you?

Why make it so much harder

GoryBory · 10/09/2023 19:43

Is person A on a diet?
Has she asked for help?

I do have a friend who has asked everyone to keep her on track of her diet.
I don’t say anything but our other friend does and then the friend on the diet looks upset and then ends up scoffing a big bar of chocolate because she’s upset and she’s not allowed herself the one quality street she was offered.

If she’s not on a diet and hasn’t asked for persons B advice then she needs to bluntly tell her to stay out of it.

Restricting yourself too much is not going to make you lose weight.

QueenOfTheLabyrinth · 10/09/2023 19:50

Wait a minute, did person A buy the chocolate expressly for person B? Or did they buy it for themselves / the house in general?

For example, I wouldn’t expect my partner to not buy chocolate for himself or his kids just because I’m on a diet.

electriclight · 10/09/2023 19:56

If person A has asked for support to lose weight, talks about it a lot or is very unhealthy to the point that couple or family life is compromised, then I think B gets to have a say.

If DP gained three stone and was always starting diets, and asked me to be supportive, or bought tons of healthy food when we went shopping, I think I'd comment if he unnecessarily bought and ate chocolate especially if it was a sharing bar.

If A is happy with their weight and B is unaffected by it then they shouldn't be commenting.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 10/09/2023 19:57

Divorce Person B and rid yourself of 12-20 stone of excess weight in an instant.

fetchacloth · 10/09/2023 20:13

Weightlosswally · 10/09/2023 19:09

Person A does not tend to talk about losing weight. They know they need to but not in a good head space for it right now.

So all the more reason to leave Person A be for now until they can cope with supportive comments.
Maybe when Person A is feeling better suggest a proper regime of WW or something similar. 🤔

stayathomer · 10/09/2023 20:19

Very torn op, dh lost a huge amount of weight last year. In the middle of this he broke the diet but for days and in a massive way. I felt like the biggest cow but started saying are you thinking about going back to the healthy eating thing etc. he did after a while and I don’t know if it was me but from the outside it would look like I was controlling, but he’d been so happy with the weight loss, was getting hugely fit and had energy again etc etc, then the few weeks he went on a blow out he was falling asleep whenever he had the chance, was miserable as he ate takeaways saying it was disgusting etc etc

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