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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think comments like this are not supportive?

41 replies

Weightlosswally · 10/09/2023 19:03

Outside perspective welcome. Would you find these sort of comments from your spouse/best friend/parent/ someone else you’re close with supportive?

Person A needs to lose weight. They are very aware of this, have a lot to lose but have a lot of issues with food and weight for many years.

Person A bought some chocolate today and person B has expressed their disappointment and wanted to know why person A had messed up their diet today.

This is their way of helping and supporting but Person A does not find this helpful. Person B knows this but continues to make comments like this frequently.

OP posts:

CheezePleeze · 10/09/2023 20:21

Does person A being overweight affect person B's life negatively?

It can be draining living with someone who sucks the joy out of going on holiday, going to a party, days out etc by going on about their weight/not having anything to wear and things like that.

And very frustrating when they can't or won't change it.

FloweryName · 10/09/2023 20:25

Person B isn’t being very kind, but I’d imagine it’s very difficult to watch someone you live with damage themselves with food on a daily basis. On the whole I think married couples should be able to talk about things like this because one person being significantly overweight has an effect on both of them.

Redebs · 10/09/2023 20:25

00100001 · 10/09/2023 19:11

person B is a knob. Nobody is messing up a diet by eating some chocolate. It's perfectly possible to lose weight and eat chocolate...

Absolutely this.
Person B needs to stay quiet

crumblylancs · 10/09/2023 20:26

@Weightlosswally person B needs to stop being a prick and thinking it's acceptable to speak like that to person A- there are ways and means of discussing this if the weight is a problem, their approach is not the one

Notsuredontknow · 10/09/2023 20:51

From the first post alone B is not supportive because it says they know A does not find these comments supportive yet still says them. Then your further posts just make B sound quite unpleasant actually

NnarcissaMalfoy · 10/09/2023 21:13

Definitely not supportive as I believe there is evidence that shaming people about their eating/weight is very counterproductive.
I do agree with PP that if it's a married couple though then they should be able to discuss when there's a health issue that affects their life as a couple (but sensitively)

Daffidale · 10/09/2023 21:19

Weightlosswally · 10/09/2023 19:23

No. Person B just likes to offer their comments and advice on a daily basis. They also ask person A if they’ve weighed themselves everyday and whether they’ve lost weight.

Show quote history

Person B is not supportive. Person B is, in fact, being positively harmful. Weigh yourself everyday ? Be on a constant diet? These are not good ways to go about losing weight. Person B is suggesting unhealthy behaviours.

Uterusbegone · 10/09/2023 21:20

Person B sounds like a bit of an arsehole to be honest

Dixiechickonhols · 10/09/2023 21:26

Can A tell B what they do find helpful eg minding kids while they workout, not eating takeaways in front of them.
Weighing daily isn’t recommended.
If A’s weight is affecting B or the children eg B having to pick up chores as A can’t or can’t have family days out etc or costing money eg expensive life insurance, 2 seats on plane, then I do think it’s something A and B need to talk about.

LegendsBeyond · 10/09/2023 21:31

It’s frustrating when someone very overweight who wants & needs to lose weight, chooses to go & buy crap, but then continues to moan about their size.

ChristmasCrumpet · 10/09/2023 22:01

CheezePleeze · 10/09/2023 20:21

Does person A being overweight affect person B's life negatively?

It can be draining living with someone who sucks the joy out of going on holiday, going to a party, days out etc by going on about their weight/not having anything to wear and things like that.

And very frustrating when they can't or won't change it.

This was my thought.

I have a friend who complains extensively every time I speak to her. "I'm so fat. My clothes look awful. I'm fatter than I was last month. Nothing fits. I can't date I'm too fat. I'm so hot all the time. Look how fat I am. I can't come out, I'm too fat to look nice and I'll feel upset. I used to be so pretty. My knees hurt".

We never see each other because she makes excuses that she'll have to buy a new outfit to come out for dinner/bar/movies as nothing apparently fits. If I go to hers it's just non stop moaning about her weight. She doesn't talk about anything else. It's exhausting listening to her, but I nod along and tell her she's beautiful regardless of weight. She scoffs at me, and it's actually quite rude the way she does so.

Something she frequently says is that she needs to exercise, always telling me about ten gym offers she's seen. A few months ago, when I'd called her up because I had some good news to share, she barely acknowledged and immediately began reeling off more gym offers, I simply said "which one are you going to join then?" and she instantly took umbrage. I figured the can of worms was open now, so also asked "have you tried a calorie counter, or a food diary?"

I was told how unkind I was, as clearly I thought she was fat!

I know this is an extreme version, but it's honestly so exhausting listening to someone talk about how affected they are by their weight, huffing how hot they are, so much so, it brings the whole mood down constantly. If you bring this around another person all the time, and it negatively impacts them, then you can't chastise them for discussing it with you in return.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/09/2023 23:01

Weightlosswally · 10/09/2023 19:09

Person A does not tend to talk about losing weight. They know they need to but not in a good head space for it right now.

In that case person b should be quiet unless they want person a to constantly nag at them for whatever life upgrades they haven't got round to yet.

'Haven't got your roots done yet?' 'Gardens still looking a mess why haven't you loeed that lawn' 'have you paid off all your debts yet? Shouldn't have bough that then!' Etc etc

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/09/2023 23:02

Also is person b a mother or a partner? I read as mother others thinkmpartner

CheezePleeze · 10/09/2023 23:04

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/09/2023 23:02

Also is person b a mother or a partner? I read as mother others thinkmpartner

My guess is person A is the OP and person B is their DP.

HarrietJet · 10/09/2023 23:05

Weightlosswally · 10/09/2023 19:03

Outside perspective welcome. Would you find these sort of comments from your spouse/best friend/parent/ someone else you’re close with supportive?

Person A needs to lose weight. They are very aware of this, have a lot to lose but have a lot of issues with food and weight for many years.

Person A bought some chocolate today and person B has expressed their disappointment and wanted to know why person A had messed up their diet today.

This is their way of helping and supporting but Person A does not find this helpful. Person B knows this but continues to make comments like this frequently.

If the weight issues have going on for many years, how much "support" would actually make you deal with it?

ChristmasCrumpet · 11/09/2023 06:46

CheezePleeze · 10/09/2023 23:04

My guess is person A is the OP and person B is their DP.

Show quote history

Yes.

I read it that for years OP hasn't dealt with her weight/health issues. Her DP has had to watch her health decline, listen to her complaining, see how upset she becomes, work round restrictions of things she can no longer do, in turn meaning he can no longer do those things unless he finds someone else to do so... Which is not easy. Especially when it doesn't have to be the case. But that's all down to OP.

I can imagine after years of this, it's bloody tough. The partner is totally helpless to do anything, but hugely impacted by it.

Context is everything. If after years, OP has finally started on a proper diet, and the DP is so relieved (for both of them) and by day 3, OP is munching on a sharing bar of chocolate, I can see exactly how the DP feels. OP needs to take accountability that her choices don't just affect her.

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