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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Partner told our son he's fat and needs to lose weight

49 replies

Bonkaz · 10/09/2023 10:47

We're separated but still live together. He's always been controlling of me, but today I've noticed that he seems to be saying things to my DS (10) that I don't agree with. DS got a little Belly over the summer holidays as we couldn't do much active stuff with all the rain and a none existent budget. Today his dad told him that he was putting weight on and needed to lose it and eat healthier. He already eats a lot of fresh and healthy foods but one night a week has pizza, and one night has chicken nuggets. Ex has always made comments about my weight and things, and I'm worried he's starting to do the same to my DS, which could give him lasting body issues. From my perspective, saying 'you need to go out and get some fresh air' is all that needs to be said, but my ex has recently started a health kick and is now pushing all of that onto the rest of us. I don't know if I'm being overly cautious, but I don't want my DS to grow up thinking his body is anything other than perfect. He's also started picking at him for liking things like pokemon. DS has mild autism so obsesses over his passions, which means it's all he wants to play. To me, this is normal for a child with autism, but to my ex, he's weird and he should be going out playing footie with his mates. I just dont think there's any need to pick at his weight or passions when DS is 10 years old. AIBU?

OP posts:
Offcom · 10/09/2023 10:57

Does his father seem like he wants to help his son e.g to be more active or does he just criticise?

10HailMarys · 10/09/2023 10:57

Some people on Mumsnet will ignore the whole context of your post and immediately start condemning you for letting your son have chicken nuggets once a week and will claim that their own perfect children play rugby every day and never gave any ‘screen time’ - but ignore those arseholes.

Your ex sounds like an unpleasant bully. It’s likely that your son will lose a little weight now he’s back at school anyway, but that isn’t the point. Nobody should be telling a 10-year-old boy that he’s fat and nobody should be making him feel inadequate because he likes Pokémon (or for any other interest he has). Regardless of his autism, it’s completely normal and OK for kids to have passions and interests, including solitary ones. Your ex is being absolutely horrible.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 10/09/2023 11:00

The point about Pokémon Go is you have to go out and about to play it. You literally get rewards for the distance you walk!

IHateFlies · 10/09/2023 11:03

In theory, there's nothing wrong with saying that it's unhealthy to put on too much weight and getting active and cutting out crap food can help to get healthier.
It depends on how it's said. Telling a kid they're fat and being critical is unhelpful and potentially damaging.

MintJulia · 10/09/2023 11:04

You need to live apart as soon as possible. Comments like that are corrosive and your ex is a small minded, ignorant arse. My ds 15 likes Pokemon and hates football. Nothing wrong with that.

Your ds is old enough for you to have a sensible discussion with him. Maybe say that Daddy wasn't being kind and was talking nonsense because you all eat healthy stuff, and then make it a shared chore when shopping to plan healthy things you eat each day.

Original poster
Bonkaz · 10/09/2023 11:04

When we first got together, my ex used to say the nicest things about my appearance, after 11 years and 2 kids, the only things he ever says is how fat I am, sends me pictures of blob fish saying I saw this picture of you on the Internet, tells me that I'll have to be cut out of the house etc. I'm the same size as I was when we met.
Now he says 'our son will end up as fat as you if he doesn't eat healthier' infront of DS. If he was helping, he'd say 'let's go for a run' or let's get some fresh air. IMO, saying to someone 'you're getting fat, you need to sit on your arse less and move more' is trying to make them feel bad about themselves and criticising him. That's the type of person I'm dealing with. But I don't know if it's just his wording, or whether he's a controlling manipulator of me AND my DS.

OP posts:
Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 10/09/2023 11:12

He sounds repulsive. You need to live separately. What size and shape is this Prince amongst men?

RandomMess · 10/09/2023 11:18

It would interesting to speak to Rights of Women and whether this constituents as enough evidence of emotional abuse of you and the DC to apply for an occupation order on the home so he has to move out?

Original poster
Bonkaz · 10/09/2023 11:21

Ex is about 6ft2, bit of a dad bod, lost weight since his health kick started but not a six pack or anything. DS is around 5ft1 and IMO slim. His usual thing is, he gains a little weight slowly, then all of a sudden grows a foot overnight and goes super skinny again. He's always been the same. But this time his dad's like... Oh if you get any bigger you'll get bullied and stuff. It's just not nice at all.

OP posts:
Alleycatz · 10/09/2023 11:21

Wow your ex is a complete and utter dick. The man is a toxic environment. Forget about the fat comment being wrong you know that is the case but the overall picture is a bully to you and your child. Get rid of him as much as possible from your life.

Fleur02 · 10/09/2023 11:22

What is your son’s BMI? It seems quite common for a parent to not réalisé when a child is seriously overweight.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 10/09/2023 11:24

He either needs to leave or you need to move on. He sounds toxic, especially to your son.

VyeBrator · 10/09/2023 11:25

Did he tell your son he's "fat and needs to lose weight", as your thread title states, or did he tell him he was "putting weight on and needed to lose it and eat healthier", as your opening post states?

Offcom · 10/09/2023 11:26

Yeah, totally agree, that’s nothing to do with being a concerned parent and everything to do with belittling doesn’t it. I’m sorry, it sounds really stressful. Literally no one wishes their parents had spent more time undermining their confidence - you’re being reasonable and lovely to nurture your son

Your ex sounds, on the other hand, like he’s filled with self loathing.

Whawillthefuturebring · 10/09/2023 11:26

Ex has gown about it the wrong way but if your son is overweight then you need to be doing something about it.

AnIndianWoman · 10/09/2023 11:26

This counts as emotional abuse. i’d get advice from social services

Physiologicalmalfunction · 10/09/2023 11:31

Your ex is abusing you and needs to get out of your house and away from your kids as he is starting to do the same to them.

Be strong and get him out.

Goldbar · 10/09/2023 11:34

Your ex is horrendous. If he actually wanted to address your son's weight, he would have spoken to you privately about his concerns and suggested that you and he come up with ideas for your DS to be more active and eat more healthily. I don't see any reason why he needed to say what he said to your son.

Original poster
Bonkaz · 10/09/2023 11:34

Both fat and putting on weight, on different occasions.

My sons BMI places him in the 'healthy weight' category with the NHS, therefore my son is NOT overweight. But my point is, regardless as to whether he is or not, there's a huge difference between saying 'let's get some fresh air' or 'lets do some healthy eating' and pointing out flaws in physical features of a 10 year old by calling him fat or telling him he's getting a belly or putting weight on. He's a 10 year old and very impressionable. I don't want him growing up counting calories and criticising himself in the mirror when there's nothing wrong with him.

OP posts:
Snownose · 10/09/2023 11:38

You can't continue to live with someone who calls you names and belittles you and is now doing the same to your son.
This will only get worse. Find a way to live apart from him

viques · 10/09/2023 11:38

So you need to be the proactive one, encouraging your child to come out and walk with you ( walking is free and you can do it in the rain) , encouraging him to make healthy swaps for snacks and meals etc . Then when your OH has a go you have an answer for him.

Original poster
Bonkaz · 10/09/2023 11:43

But this is another point I have, there isn't anything wrong with his weight. And the Dr's aren't concerned. Just because he has chicken nuggets or pizza once a week instead of protein rich meals, salads and all that jazz, doesn't mean he's unhealthy. He has oranges or bananas as a snack every day, we walk to school and back most days which takes us to our 10k steps quota. So he's not an unhealthy kid. At all. But even if he was, IMO, you don't call a child fat. Or make a big deal about it. You deal with it like an adult and a parent and make small changes without upsetting them.

OP posts:
nevynevster · 10/09/2023 11:49

At 10 years old you simply don't need to worry if he's got a few extra pounds as he's just before the massive growth spurt that boys get. One of my DS was a but tubby for most of his childhood but ate really well, fruit veg etc not sweets etc. He then shot up at age 13/14 and is now 6ft and skinny as anything.

The surge in testosterone they get will often sort out any mild extra pounds they are carrying especially if he's already eating pretty well and is reasonably active. Your ex is being unhelpful and maybe instead of berating his so., he could take him out at the weekends for fun active stuff! Doing not lecturing !

VyeBrator · 10/09/2023 11:50

Did he actually say, "Son, you're fat and you need to lose weight"?

Robinbuildsbears · 10/09/2023 11:50

I don't think you're supposed to use BMI for children, it's meant to be percentile measurements. So maybe you should double check on the NHS website. You're not doing him any favours by #beingkind and letting him get to an unhealthy size.

Separately, your ex is being a prick to the both of you, and likely doesn't care about your health.