Ex Partner told our son he's fat and needs to lose weight

[Bonkaz]

We're separated but still live together. He's always been controlling of me, but today I've noticed that he seems to be saying things to my DS (10) that I don't agree with. DS got a little Belly over the summer holidays as we couldn't do much active stuff with all the rain and a none existent budget. Today his dad told him that he was putting weight on and needed to lose it and eat healthier. He already eats a lot of fresh and healthy foods but one night a week has pizza, and one night has chicken nuggets. Ex has always made comments about my weight and things, and I'm worried he's starting to do the same to my DS, which could give him lasting body issues. From my perspective, saying 'you need to go out and get some fresh air' is all that needs to be said, but my ex has recently started a health kick and is now pushing all of that onto the rest of us. I don't know if I'm being overly cautious, but I don't want my DS to grow up thinking his body is anything other than perfect. He's also started picking at him for liking things like pokemon. DS has mild autism so obsesses over his passions, which means it's all he wants to play. To me, this is normal for a child with autism, but to my ex, he's weird and he should be going out playing footie with his mates. I just dont think there's any need to pick at his weight or passions when DS is 10 years old. AIBU?

Why are you still living with this awful man? One of you needs to move out.

At 10 years old you simply don't need to worry if he's got a few extra pounds as he's just before the massive growth spurt that boys get.

If this was true, there wouldn't be such a large percentage of overweight/obese children in year 6 but sadly there is.

So it would be sensible for parents to keep an eye on their kid's weights, rather than blindly assuming a growth spurt will sort it out.

On one occasion, his words were 'look at your stomach, that's fat. That's because you're eating crap all the time. You need to eat healthier or you're going to end up as fat as your mum. We need to get you up instead of sitting on your arse doing nothing and you need to lose weight. It's your mums fault you're like this. She projects her eating habits on to you.'
But there have been other times where the wording has been slightly different, slightly more or slightly less, but in my opinion, just as damaging to a 10 year olds perception of their body image. Please bear in mind, as I've stated, my son is NOT overweight.
Does that help?

If your ex was concerned about your son he would be taking him out to look for Pokermon not making comments that will stay with him for life. It's about control (and getting a dig in at you). He is an abusive knob.

It's horrible. I have always been deemed more acceptable when I'm at a lower weight. Please get your son out of the situation.

I think a lot of people are missing where I've said 'the Dr's are not concerned about his weight'. He is classed as a healthy weight for his age.
My point in this post is literally, whether he is overweight or not, is irrelevant. IMO, you don't tell any child, male or female, that they are fat. You're signing them up for a life of misery, calorie counting, body dysmorphia, eating disorders. You are the parent, you make the changes, and you don't push that fear onto your children. I wanted to know if I was being unreasonable by being annoyed at his wording. Which I'm starting to realise from some of these responses, I'm not being unreasonable.

If my son was overweight and my ex had come to me and said 'he's putting weight on, we need to do something about it' then yes, I can understand. But my son isn't overweight and my ex picked on his physical appearance to his face.

Yes you are. OP doesn’t need to check the NHS website. She’s already done it putting her child’s age in the children’s section.

OP, he does it to rile you because he knows it upsets you. If you weren’t bothered by you weight, he’d pick on something else that would upset you. Just ignore what this nasty piece of work says. I hope you can manage to live separately soon.

And he’s definitely making comments about your son (who is a healthy weight) to get at you. If he really thought he was getting a bit tubby, he’d do something himself! He’s using your child to abuse you. What a bastard! Shows how little he cares about your son.

YANBU. This is an absolutely atrocious way to talk to a child, including the hurtful digs at you, your DS's primary carer. Your DS must find it confusing and upsetting to hear things like this about someone he loves.

Like you say, it doesn't matter whether your son is overweight or not. Even if he had serious weight issues, this would not be the way to address it.

The issue isn't about his weight the issue is that you're still living with this awful man who makes such awful comments in front of his son. This is teaching your son that you are 100% fine with it and that it's acceptable behaviour.

Why can’t you move out and claim UC? Get yourself and your kids out he is abusive.

I'm working on it. There's a lot of other things going on that I've let get on top of me for so long that it's not the easiest thing to do. But this thing with my DS has been the final straw.

Your ex is an arsehole! There is no need for this. If he had genuine concerns there are better ways to address it.

Tbh if it was me, I would either make a sarcastic comment if he said this again along the lines of “and so says Mr Universe “ or “your dad is speaking from experience, he has had weight issues for years” or blow him out the water and put him straight. That way your ds hears that he doesn’t have an issue and that his mum always has his back.

You need to physically separate from this man before he does untold emotional harm to your son.

Last time I made a sarcastic comment to him, it did not end well. But I definitely say these kinds of things in my head.

I hear what you are saying about being sarcastic.

Do you have a support network in real life. Is there anyone who could help you get away from this man?

He is digging at the children (at least in part) to get at you. He will not stop.

Why are you still living together?

What support can we offer to help you and your DC get away from this emotional abuse?

The fact your DS isn't even overweight means he is doing it purely to be abusive.

Your husband’s behaviour is totally unacceptable. He’s coming from a position of ‘how can I bully my child and make him feel like shit’ rather than ‘ how can I support my child and raise him up’.
Good luck in your separation journey, the sooner it comes, the better.

I think it’s more ‘how can I bully my ex and I couldn’t care less if my child is collateral damage.’

You’re both unreasonable. He shouldn’t be using unhelpful words like fat or putting anyone down, but you shouldn’t be using lame excuses for allowing your son to pile on the pounds. The weather and money? Seriously? Get the bikes out. Go for a run. Do circuits in the garden. Get off those screens and move. Oh and ditch the freezer food.

Your ex is being abusive.

There is a huge difference between two adults having a private chat and saying they need to make some lifestyle changes so their kid is healthier. That's fine and part of parenting, and means the adults hold themselves responsible for their child's wellbeing.

But actively telling a 10 year old they are getting fat/ will end up getting fat like their mother is verbal abuse. The child in question is 10. He is too young to be responsible for managing his own diet and exercise, and saying that to him will just crush his confidence and mess with his head. Boys can develop body issues and eating disorders too and comments like that can stay with someone the rest of their life.

I know it's not that simple but you need to physically get you and your son away from this man as soon as possible. He's a c*, and not concerned about the health of your child. he's just looking for abusive things to say that he knows will draw blood and cause maximum pain and suffering.

This is so kind to ask but I'm not sure there's anything anyone can do. It's purely a financial thing from my side, as in, I can't afford to leave or pay him to leave. And a control thing from his side, as in he won't leave because then he loses it all.

I will get there but it's just going to take time.

This response is just unnecessary. Did I say they were frozen chicken nuggets? Or frozen pizza? No I didn't. Did you come at me for feeding my child something they enjoy once in a while? Yes you did.
We did all of those things during the summer except ride bikes. Because my autistic DS has a phobia. We went puddle jumping, we went walking in the hills and the woods. And I told my ex this.
And, as I've mentioned multiple times, MY SON ISN'T FAT. He has literally put on the tiniest amount of weight that had made the tiniest difference in his stomach. He's not an elephant that needs putting on a restrictive diet. He's a kid who enjoys playing pokemon go, pokemon cards and board games.

This is why I said earlier to speak to Rights of Women and enquire about an occupation order due to his ongoing emotional abuse of you and DC.