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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DH’s late night

28 replies

PepeParapluie · 10/09/2023 06:37

Not sure if I’m being unreasonable because I’m super tired or if DH is…

DH, me and our 8 month old baby are away visiting friends in London. We arrived Friday afternoon and will leave this afternoon. It’s very hot.

For context, Friday night, DH and I both went to bed at midnight, I breastfed baby at 4.15 for half an hour but she was too hot to feed to sleep, so needed rocking to sleep. I spent 20 mins trying, then asked DH to help - he got her to sleep in 5 mins. She then woke at 6am for the day. DH got up with her. I slept until 7.30. So I got about 6.5 hours’ sleep, DH got about 6.

Last night, I went to bed at midnight again. Baby woke when I went up, did a long feed back to sleep, I went to sleep about 1.30. Baby woke at 5, fed for nearly an hour, wouldn’t go back to sleep. I’ve got up with her at 6, because DH - knowing he’s driving us home today and that baby normally gets up at 6 - went to bed at 2.30am.

I obviously haven’t spoken to him about it yet as he’s sleeping, and id rather he slept more as he’s driving us all a long way today, but I’m so cross that he stayed up SO late despite knowing baby would probs be up at 6 and that I’d have to feed her at least once between midnight and then.

I know it’s nice to stay up with friends etc, but in my view we can’t always do that anymore. If he’d chosen to stay up so late Friday night I’d be less annoyed as his tiredness would be his problem, but with the driving today I just think it’s really reckless and unfair on me that I get so little sleep despite missing out on the fun with friends to try and go to bed early - I have no choice but to do night feeds - whereas he chooses to stay stupidity late meaning I can’t really ask him to get up with her given the driving thing.

Maybe I’m being grumpy because I’m so tired - AIBU?

OP posts:
thaegumathteth · 10/09/2023 06:42

I think you are being a bit unfair really. He didn't say up that late and it's only one night. Let him sleep because as you say being tired and driving isn't great.

writingsonthewall · 10/09/2023 06:46

You're exhausted and annoyed, I get it. Also perhaps a little unreasonable, he's had a bit of fun with friends and will be tired too. He would be almost as tired if he'd have gone to bed with you as you were up pretty late feeding

Mistressanne · 10/09/2023 06:47

Don't you drive?

Aprilx · 10/09/2023 06:48

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. You don’t get to tell another adult what time they should be going to bed.

onlylovecanhurtlikethis · 10/09/2023 06:49

Jesus he's an adult OP! Stop trying to mother him. Your a breastfeeding mother obviously you are going to be up more with baby than him. I really don't understand women who expect a strict 50-50 of raising a newborn. Working out who had more sleep ("I had 6.5 hrs he had 6") is quite frankly silly

JMSA · 10/09/2023 06:49

YABU.

GRex · 10/09/2023 06:50

If your DH slept at 2.30, he'll be fine by 10, that shouldn't need to be an issue. You don't both need to miss out because there's a baby, and it seems like you're quite resentful of feeding the baby. That's a reality of breastfeeding unfortunately, the baby knows they prefer mummy. Eventually they will sleep through, but you need coping strategies. It may have been better to have split the nights to each be up a bit later one night; we have always tried to split things so we have one lie-in each per week even when it isn't hot and with friends. It's too late now, but next time you should properly sleep in the mornings when he gets up with the baby; you need to occasionally at least do a full reset, that's the only thing that will stop you feeling unreasonably grumpy. I do think one really long sleep each week makes a difference more than a regular snatched half hour while DH sorts breakfast.

DandDoodlz67 · 10/09/2023 06:51

Sorry I think yabu and I would not say anything to him or be passive aggressive or act annoyed
it’s one noght and no doubt he’ll feel knackered and how long is the drive? You and baby can sleep on the journeys?
holidays and weekends away are usually knackering anyway regardless with a small child/baby
i definitely wouldn’t take it out on him for enjoying his self or your baby waking up for night feeds

TropicalTrama · 10/09/2023 06:52

It’s one night he’s not getting up early with her because he had fun with friends, and he is driving you tomorrow. I really don’t think he’s done anything wrong. I feel you though, it must be so difficult when baby sleeps that badly and still has loads of night feeds. If I was 8 months + into that level of extreme sleep deprivation I’d be raging at anyone/everything.

Clefable · 10/09/2023 06:53

Sorry but I don't get it  So you shared the first night and then he's driving you home today? Just have a nap when you get home and he can take the baby? He got up at 6 with her yesterday and you did today 🤷‍♀️

skippy67 · 10/09/2023 06:53

Aprilx · 10/09/2023 06:48

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. You don’t get to tell another adult what time they should be going to bed.

This.

WaltzingWaters · 10/09/2023 06:54

I understand your annoyance, but for an odd occasion with a friend I’d let it go. Sounds as though he’s generally doing what he can to help with nights/early mornings and this was a fun night catching up with friends.
I get it. I used to get annoyed when our baby was tiny and my partner would stay up late just watching tv/playing video games, and I’d tell him that didn’t mean he’d get a lie in when I’d been up half the night feeding! But for the odd occasion with a friend, I’d let it go and hope you can get some sleep on the drive home.

Summerisawashout · 10/09/2023 06:56

I've been there many times and I'm afraid YABU. He was up only a little later than you. Let him sleep in this morning and the drive won't be a concern.

If you're looking for an argument this seems like a good way to start one. Your DH hasn't done anything wrong here. Is there something else you're annoyed about?

We get it, you're exhausted and cranky, and having disrupted nights is awful. Usually made worse by staying away as you have to be social and polite and chitchat when you just want to crash out on the sofa. Who's idea was it to come on the trip?

GRex · 10/09/2023 06:56

onlylovecanhurtlikethis · 10/09/2023 06:49

Jesus he's an adult OP! Stop trying to mother him. Your a breastfeeding mother obviously you are going to be up more with baby than him. I really don't understand women who expect a strict 50-50 of raising a newborn. Working out who had more sleep ("I had 6.5 hrs he had 6") is quite frankly silly

Ah come on, loads of people reach a point of competitive sleep deprivation arguments at some stage of a new baby. Baby will be fine with dad giving a bit of toast and fruit or whatever while mum sleeps in one day a week, she just needs to actually catch up, which will take longer than lying in until 7.30.

ThunderSnacks · 10/09/2023 06:56

I think you split fairly on Friday and then one of you had to take the hit on Saturday, which you did.

I think 50/50 is important but it only works if you take it as a principle rather than a rule. By that, I mean you can't do a running tally every minute of every day because it always works out lose/lose. It'll destroy your relationship.

Like you say, he's also doing all the driving, which is tiring. Can you nap in the car?

I hope you still had a lovely weekend with your friends!

Doingmybest12 · 10/09/2023 06:58

How does tiredness affect him and his driving? Was he also up drinking? I would also be a bit annoyed about this but that's based on knowing my husband really struggles to cope with tiredness and I'm a terrible back seat driver. We share the driving pretty often . It's been so hot ,I think everyone is a bit frazzled.

crumblingschools · 10/09/2023 06:58

Was he drinking until 2am?

Mindymomo · 10/09/2023 06:59

Everything gets blown out of proportion when you are sleep deprived, please don’t make an issue out of it, you need to coparent and it sounds like you are both doing a great job between you. My DH and I had tremendous arguments in the first few months of parenting, mainly due to baby crying and lack of sleep, we each walked out several times, just because we didn’t know how to handle the situation.

Original poster
PepeParapluie · 10/09/2023 07:04

Thanks everyone, sounds like I am just letting the tiredness get to me too much.

We definitely do share things generally, and I realise my post makes it sound like I count minutes all the time but I really don’t - I realise that us both being tired doesn’t make me less tired and it’s not his fault she still needs breastfeeding overnight.

I do drive but for various reasons DH prefers to.

He was drinking until 2.30 but he won’t have been drunk, so I’m not begrudging him that.

It was a joint idea to come on the trip but we’re both off work for some shared leave at the moment and have been away from home at his family’s for more than we’ve been home so I think that’s probably made it all a bit harder too.

But you’re all right about not arguing with him over this, I’ll try and let it go a bit before he gets up.

Thanks for the perspective!

OP posts:
skippy67 · 10/09/2023 07:05

Can you not share the driving if you're so worried?

larlypops · 10/09/2023 07:11

Lack of sleep is hard, I wouldn’t say anything but definitely try get a nap in either in the car or when you get home.

PollyPut · 10/09/2023 07:11

Assuming that he stayed up late, with friends, then I don't think it's too bad at all. You did go there to see them and he's probably not been out much in the last 8 months or so.

As long as he's not drunk too much before a long drive...

If he stayed up til 2.30 on his own watching movies then I'd be fed up.

Pippylongstock · 10/09/2023 07:12

It’s sooooo hard at that stage to feel anything but resentful. But it’s just a stage when you haven’t slept properly for months. If you are both on shared leave, make sure you get some proper day naps when you’re back. I don’t think your husband has done anything wrong, but you do need to try and get more sleep once you get home. It’s all just a phase, but these early days are really exhausting.

Baconking · 10/09/2023 07:12

How long is the drive home?

MuggleMe · 10/09/2023 07:19

So you went to bed 'early' at midnight but he stayed up 'late' til 2.30? If you can sleep/rest in the car I don't think it's unreasonable for him to get a lie in today.

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