my mum ruined my brain chemistry?

[Brainchemistry]

Hi,
I was just wondering if anyone has any advice etc

my mum tried her best but wasn’t always the best mum. I’m not annoyed at her anymore because what’s the point, it won’t change anything. But the only thing that still annoys me is the fact she’s made me such a perfectionist

its a really long boring story but the background of it is that I lived with my mum- she hated my dad because he was violent to us and thankfully we got away from him but only because he had another family on the side and eventually left us for them. Instead of moving on my mum was obsessed with proving our family was better than his so she was determined that I had to prove why we were better. She said I could do that by being successful because then they would find out and they would think she was being a good mum whereas if I was stupid and unsuccessful then they would think she was a terrible mum and they might even call social services and have me taken away from her if she was such an awful mum. Sounds ridiculous I know but when I was 8 it was terrifying. So I had to get straight As in everything, be the best at sports, music, everything I could to be the best. We live in a smallish rural town so my dad and his new family would find out via circles and local newspapers. I didn’t even care about doing well but I was terrified of doing badly in case they would think my mum was being a bad mum or in case they got me taken away from her so I became obsessive about always being perfect. So at school I would sob if I got 19/20 in a spelling test or if I was 2nd in a sprinting race. Everyone thought I was being over dramatic but my mum would tell me she was so disappointed in me and that I had let her down and she was obviously a bad mum and she made multiple threats to kill herself if I didn’t do well. I remember being terrified before a science test in lower high school because I HAD to do well or I was terrified my mum would slash her wrists. It was all just empty threats though and she was never suicidal but she just said it to frighten me into doing well and it worked. I had to be perfect at everything- even looks- but unfortunately I’m far from that so my mum used to tell me how stupid and ugly I am and how I need to get x y z fixed when I grow up because I look like an ugly monster and no guy will ever love me like that.

once I got to my early to mid teens I realised my mum was toxic and spent more time with other family who I eventually moved in with. I’m an adult now and I understand my mum was being toxic but it’s like she changed my brain chemistry. I can’t ever accept the way I am. I feel ugly every single day and I feel like a fat monster even though my bmi is 19 so I know I’m technically not. But the worst side of perfectionism is with studying and work. My own inner voice has become my mums voice and if I make the slightest mistake my mind tells me how awful I am and how much of a disappointment I am and that I’m a terrible person. It’s absolutely exhausting but I don’t know how to stop it. It’s hindering me at work now because if I make a tiny mistake I can’t stop thinking about how much I hate myself and how I’m an embarrassment. Everyone says not to be so hard on myself but I honestly don’t know how not to be, this is just how I was made

by the time I sat my high school exams I was living with other family and wasn’t under pressure from my mum (other than a rare phone call) but by then I had learned to put the pressure on myself. I got straight As and everyone thought I was dramatic when I cried about getting 99 not 100 but for me 99= failure. I remember at 15 years old deciding that if I didn’t get straight As I would be as well just to kill myself and I kept that thought in the back of my mind to motivate me to work hard. I did get As but if I hadn’t I honestly think I’d have been devastated enough to do it. I am NOT suicidal now but I’m just using that as an example of how bad it used to be. It’s not like that now thankfully but I still struggle with feeling like a failure when I’m not perfect

does anyone have any advice? I’ve had CBT and paid privately for therapy but I’m still such a perfectionist and i honestly feel like my mum has changed my brain chemistry

is there any hope I can stop being a perfectionist?

God that's awful, you poor thing.
Yes this will have certainly changed your brain chemistry.

Have you looked into EMDR or accelerated resolution therapy? It might be harder to find a therapist for ART as it's a newer form of therapy.

sorry I should have said in my OP, I paid privately for EMDR and it didn’t make much difference unfortunately although I’ve never tried ART so I’ll look into that

I just feel so angry that I have to feel shit every single day and it’s all because of her. It honestly feels like she’s changed the way my brain developed x

She HAS changed the way your brain developed! Christ on a bike OP she has been an utterly shite parent to you.

The only way out of this is therapy. You have to find something that works for you.

Do everything you can to draw a line under this, step over and move forward but bloody hell you are not wrong to fee the way you do.

I had a bad childhood but it was via benign neglect not stuff you have gone through. Good luck.

You can certainly blame her. Being a perfectionist will stand you in good stead in the working world so try and see it in a positive light. Employers love people like you

What you now need to do is learn how not to beat yourself up

You can change. Habit change is hard, thought - pattern change is hard, but you can do it.

You said you've had CBT. How many of the techniques are you adopting in your daily life?

Thanks, honestly it doesn’t feel like it stands me in good stead though at work, if anything the opposite. If I make the slightest mistake my brain will go nuts in my head about how awful I am and it will just beat itself up and I’ll even physically throw up, I can’t even take a break or lunch without sitting worrying about it and I’m exhausted when I come home because I’m so stressed x

You need to find a therapist that works for you. Whilst you're holding on to the anger and blame, you're not going to heal. You're not that child any more. Your DM has no control over your life. You need to realise that.

I think you need to accept you have personal agency and are able to change and have control over your thoughts.
Whilst your mother’s actions may have prompted it, you’re never going to change if you keep telling yourself your brain chemistry has been changed and you can’t think any differently. You can, it might be difficult but it’s not impossible.

I totally get what people are saying but over the years I’ve tried accepting it and realising she has no control over me etc, I’ve tried different therapists + types of therapy but somehow my brain just seems to work this way and won’t seem to change ☹️ like when you get hurt and automatically cry, or when you sneeze and automatically close your eyes, this feels as automatic as that if that makes sense even though I know she has no bearing on my life as an adult x

So sorry op, how awful to have a childhood that is so abusive.

DBT is a useful therapy for identifying the link between emotions and behaviour and bringing change (from personal experience).

You have a lot of insight, but as you say, your thought patterns have been altered. It will take time and support to break the perfection route, but I think you can.

Have you heard the story of the happy perfectionist? No? That’s because there isn’t one. Happiness and perfectionism are incompatible.

There's nothing wrong with your brain chemistry but there is a core belief, developed when you were a child, that anything below perfect is a failure and therefore unacceptable. This, as far as your subconscious mind is concerned is as absolute truth and why you can't allow yourself to 'fail'.

If we set ourselves the task of attaining perfection then we doom ourselves to a life of disappointment and feelings of inadequacy. Striving to improve is a positive thing, but it becomes a problem when we withhold happiness until we reach perfection (which is illusionary anyway).

Remedial hypnosis is a type of talking therapy, except the conversation is with your subconscious/inner child, which is where your problem lies.

Have you tried mindfulness? You can do things like mindful self compassion courses. The idea is, these slowly change your brain chemistry. If you can be self compassionate when you make a mistake “I didn’t mean that to happen, but it’s ok, it was only a mistake” or something then you will slowly alter the way you think of yourself, and actually the way you think of others.

There’s a Ted Talk about it.

Maybe google some courses in your area?

Have you tried meds OP? A low dose of antidepressants along with talking therapy focused on childhood trauma might help you to stabilise.

My senior NHS psychologist friend describes meds as the life ring and therapy as help swimming back to shore. Separately I've seen DP transform from an anxious mess to a healthy man who enjoys life and can think about the future in a happy way, since he started meds along with specialised therapy for his terrible OCD.

He resisted meds for years and now says his only regret is not starting sooner.

Could be worth discussing with your GP xx

So sorry you went through this

I would recommend head trash clearance as you have a lot to get rid of

clearyourheadtrash.com/about-head-trash/the-head-trash-story/

Just to echo was Evaka has just said - my DH didn't have the same childhood as you at all, but I think through anxiety and insecurity exhibited a lot of the same things you have mentioned, so crippling anxiety at the thought of not being perfect and feelings of self loathing if something didn't go well, especially at work. If he felt someone was smarter or more efficient than him, it would really badly affect him.

He eventually went to the docs because it was really affecting his life and they prescribed anti depressants, even though he wasn't actually depressed, and he said he cant believe how much of a difference it has made. He said its sort of allowed him to take a step back and rationalise a lot of the behaviour and he also started mindfulness around the same time. Honestly, it has made such a difference. Hes not a cocky person at all, so his desire to be the best was never to do with that, it was a more a counter to the self hating if that makes sense.

Anyway, I don't know if that is helpful at all and you may well have tried ADs already.

Good luck though, it sounds tough. Just out of interest, how old are you and do you have kids?

Neuroplasticity means that your brain chemistry can continue to change. A long lasting warm relationship with an experienced therapist that you completely connect with will help you with this. I think you should stay away from fast solutions such as EMDR, CBT , ART, etc. Instead you need to slowly rebuild your approach to life, always aware that you have old habits that will reappear from time to time. Best of luck xxx

I realise it feels automatic but it can be changed. Your therapists haven't been right for you if they haven't helped you find techniques that work.
You can approach it from an intrusive thoughts/ OCD perspective. That provides techniques on letting negative thoughts float through - acknowledged but let go.
You can use 'bubble' or 'armour' techniques to protect you.
You can use visualisation techniques to 'reduce' the negative reaction and 'focus on and grow' the reaction you want to have.
You can use meditation techniques to ground you in the moment.
You don't have to live with this but some of the first steps are realising this is all within your control. This isn't about your mum anymore.

To echo the above, antidepressants might be what you need to calm your mind while you continue therapy to address the core issue. I've very recently started sertraline for anxiety/panic attacks and it's already helping with intrusive thoughts and rumination. I wish you well. X

Unfortunately the answer is simple but not easy (if it were easy you would have done it already). Flush the past down the drain. Throw it away. Let it melt and disappear. Be in the moment. Sit with yourself. Sit with the pain and hurt and fear. Be the calm in the eye of the storm. Watch it raging. It will feel like you're going to die, but you won't. After a time of watching and waiting, it will subside. Rinse and repeat every hour of every day. Be vigilant. Be curious about your own internal world. Get to know yourself. Be surprised by what you find. Learn to feel at home in your body.

You can re program your brain. It takes consistent effort and a faith in the process. But it can be done. You deserve it.

This.

Well done for working so hard to move past this and as a teenager, you were so brave and insightful to use your resources to get away from her.

You are so insightful about what has happened.

The only thing I thought as I read the replies, is I wonder if your perfectionist tendencies apply also to your healing. That unless you’re 100% healed, A* recover, it feels like failure. I would say incremental improvement is still transformative in its own way.

I would continue therapy as actually given the insight you display, I suspect you might be getting something from it you can continue to build on (but you may always have some traits, but forgive yourself for having them).

Not sure anything can really change your brain but maybe something like hypnotherapy might help Xx

I agree with a lot of the responses you have had OP. You need to find your own agency, separate from your past. We couldn't be here without our past but we can understand that we are no longer the conditioned child that we once were. It takes work tho, and not of the perfectionist variety that you are familiar with. You can do this tho OP. You deserve this.

have a read of this book, it is completely eye opening

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842

Have you read into schema therapy? So the reason CBT isn't working it's because it works on the thoughts but as you've seen that doesn't change how you feel. That feeling is what they call a schema, it's activated within millisecond's of being triggered and it feels intense and is hard to logically challenge in the moment.

The main book for clients is called reinventing your life but I also find the textbook very easy to read "schema therapy a practitioners guide" - a bit of reading will help you know if it's for you.

I used this place but it is expensive schematherapyassociates.com/

It's changed things massively for me, I still have a little bit of stuff left over but the intensity of the feeling has reduced by about 70%

I'm so sorry for everything you went through as a child.